Official Investigation Launched into Russian Meddling of Karaoke Competition

I have officially launched an investigation into Russia meddling in the karaoke competition which took place on August 23, 2018.  Though I have zero legal authority, I have placed indictments on several Russian agents, who have ties with operatives within the karaoke bar, Finny’s Pub in Doylestown, PA.  If any evidence should be required of my claims, the very fact that I have opened an investigation and placed indictments is evidence enough that Russia is guilty.

The winner of the competition was a shady figure who goes by the name of “Sam,” however, reliable sources within the karaoke bar later revealed that Sam’s full name is Saminski Popolovski.  Many patrons of the bar that night noted that they “didn’t even remember hearing her sing.”  A testimony from the karaoke DJ, who wished to remain anonymous, revealed that Popolovski had mumbled her song in fluent Russian.

The judges of the karaoke competition were unknown figures within the community, two females in their early-twenties, who vanished quickly after the winner of the competition was announced.  However, a reliable source from the karaoke bar confirmed that the credit card used by the two judges was directly linked to a lawyer who is directly linked to the Kremlin.  Furthermore, there are multiple witnesses who can confirm the fact that both judges were drinking White Russians.

Then I considered the prize of the karaoke competition: a beer cooler with attached bottle opener.  My skeptics have already decried a lack of motivation for Russia to want the beer cooler.  But I realized, it wasn’t about the beer cooler, it was about sowing discord among a local community.  This shadow of doubt Russia has cast on our democratic process of karaoke competitions has destroyed America’s faith in karaoke competitions all together.  So long as Russia is an acceptable scapegoat in polite society, I foresee that faith will never be restored.

Karaokegate has officially been declared.

Vladimir Putin, the scumbag responsible for rigging the karaoke competition.

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Field of Creams” – Scene 2

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY

Brendon stands at the curb waiting for his mom to pick him up.  Coach McGuirk pulls up in his car.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hey, Brendon, let me give you a ride home.

BRENDON

Not if you make me pay for gas like last time.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t worry, buddy, this one’s on me.

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S CAR – DAY

Brendon gets in the car.

BRENDON

Cool, can I pick the radio station?

COACH MCGUIRK

No you can’t, Brendon.  Even if I had a working radio, I think I would respect you more not knowing the kind of music you listen to.  And I need that respect, Brendon, do you hear me?

BRENDON

Yeah.

COACH MCGUIRK

I know I’m good at hiding it, but that new soccer coach is really getting on my nerves.  I need you to get all your little friends together and make them all play well for just one game.

BRENDON

You mean coach them?

COACH MCGUIRK

More or less.

BRENDON

But aren’t you the coach?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh I know!  Oh wait, I’m actually all out of expired frozen yogurt coupons.

BRENDON

You know what, Coach, I don’t know what you’re offering, but I pass.  I just got done writing for you and being your prostitute.

COACH MCGUIRK

What did I tell you about using that word around me?

BRENDON

It’s time that I focus on what I want.  This time when I sell myself, it’s gonna be to me.

COACH MCGUIRK

And what is it that you want, Brendon?

BRENDON

I want to make an independent documentary that takes the festival circuit by storm.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, well then, I just may have the perfect subject matter for your little documentary.

BRENDON

Really?

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S GARAGE – DAY

The garage door opens to reveal Coach McGuirk and Brendon on the other side.

BRENDON

Whoa, what is that?

COACH MCGUIRK

Brendon, that’s my twin brother, Steve.

In front of them is a glowing tank with a deformed fetus-looking person inside.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t be rude, Brendon, say hello.

BRENDON

Is he alive?

COACH MCGUIRK

Yes he’s alive and he has better health insurance than I’ll ever have.  Sometimes one twin will try to devour the other twin in the womb.  I was only half successful in that process.  Anyway, being the dominant twin, it turns out, doesn’t come with government-mandated healthcare.

BRENDON

Hey, Steve.  Does Steve ever talk back?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, he just kinda floats in there.  I tell him jokes and you can tell he’s laughing because he really starts bobbing around.

Steve beeps once.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, yeah, and he beeps once for no, two for yes.

BRENDON

Will Steve let me make a documentary about him?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh yeah, Steve was always the center of attention in our house growing up.  It was always Steve this, Steve that.  Steve’s so amazing, why can’t you be more like Steve?  Because I’m my own person, okay, Mom!

BRENDON

Whoa.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m sorry.  It was just always stiff competition growing up in Steve’s shadow.

BRENDON

Alright fine, I’ll help you, Coach.  Now will you take me home?  I need to ask my mom if I ever had a Steve.

COACH MCGUIRK

There are no other Steves, Brendon.  Steve is the only Steve.

BRENDON

He’s one lucky guy.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh crap, Brendon, I’m out of gas.  Throw me a five and I’ll get you home.

BRENDON

I can walk from here.

COACH MCGUIRK

Great.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Field of Creams” – Scene 3

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Field of Creams” – Scene 1

EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon approaches the bench where Coach McGuirk is typing on a laptop.  A soccer game is in progress.

BRENDON

Coach, we’re getting creamed out there.

COACH MCGUIRK

This isn’t news to me, Brendon, you get creamed every game.

BRENDON

So shouldn’t you try to give us some motivation instead of just sitting there?

COACH MCGUIRK

If my silent disapproval doesn’t motivate you, nothing will.

BRENDON

Nothing is what you’re already doing.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m writing, Brendon.  I’m a writer now.  Writers don’t waste time with motivation or deep thinking, it’s all on the surface.

BRENDON

I guess you don’t care if we lose then.

COACH MCGUIRK

No one cares if you lose, Brendon, they only care that you play.  I learned that writing; people don’t want to read anything that makes them think.  Thinking hurts, Brendon, people don’t like to do it.  Just write a corny love story and the masses will love you for it.

BRENDON

You want me to write a love story?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, I want you to get on the field and stop thinking about it.  And stop looking so terrified when the ball comes near you, the other kids can sense it.

BRENDON

It’s probably because their coach is so involved in the game.  Look how intense she is.

COACH MCGUIRK

Dammit, Brendon, you made me make eye contact.  Is she walking over here?

BRENDON

Yeah, she’s headed right for you.

COACH MCGUIRK

Crap, I don’t have time for this.

MANDY

What’s the hold up over here?  Who let this homeless guy on the field?

BRENDON

He’s not homeless, that’s our coach.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m a writer, thank you very much.

MANDY

Wait a minute.  John?  John McGuirk, is that you?

COACH MCGUIRK

Uhh, yeah.  And you are?

MANDY

It’s me, Mandy, from summer camp all those years ago.  I remember I had the biggest crush on you back then.

COACH MCGUIRK

You see Brendon, being a writer gets all the ladies riled up, I can hardly claw ’em off me.  I’m sorry, Miss, but I’m currently in a relationship.  I would say take a number, but I don’t have one of those number machines.  Maybe I should invest in one.

MANDY

Oh I don’t mean to give you the wrong impression.  It was actually you who made me realize I was gay.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?

MANDY

I realized that I was attracted to how round and supple your chest was, and I realized I liked boobs.

COACH MCGUIRK

Is that a fat joke?

MANDY

Oh, I don’t mean to be crude, I remember you were sensitive about your weight.  Oh, and the kids used to call you Mini Michelin cause it looked like a stack of tires when you took your shirt off.

BRENDON

Some things never change.

COACH MCGUIRK

This isn’t helping.

MANDY

Well, I just wanted to tell you that you were an inspiration to my life.

BRENDON

I wish he could be an inspiration to any of us.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hey, I’m a good coach.

MANDY

I have to agree with the kid, John.  From what I see, you have the motivational skills of a dead fish.

COACH MCGUIRK

Truth be told, I’m not really a coach.  I’m a writer.

MANDY

Really?  Do you have anything published?

COACH MCGUIRK

Well, no.  I’m not making money as a writer yet, which is why I still need the coaching job.

MANDY

So truth be told, you’re not really a writer.  You’re a coach, coach.

COACH MCGUIRK

How dare you.  Just for that, I’m writing you into my story and you’re not gonna like how I portray you.

MANDY

Are you going to keep in the part where I’m a way better coach than you?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, marshmallow lava is way too quick of a death for you.

MANDY

No you’re right, it would be too hard for you to portray a decent coach, since you have no idea what it’s like to be one.

COACH MCGUIRK

You’d love for me to prove you wrong, wouldn’t you?  I’m not falling for it.

BRENDON

(to Mandy)

Can you just be our coach, too?

COACH MCGUIRK

Dammit, Brendon, stay out of this.

MANDY

No he’s right.  I’ll coach both teams and you sit there and take notes on what a coach is supposed to do.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s it!  I’ll show you what a coach is supposed to do.

Coach McGuirk slams his fists on the table and stands up.

COACH MCGUIRK

Brendon, get on the field!  Melissa, why are your shoes off?

MELISSA

Because I like how the grass feels on my toes.

COACH MCGUIRK

Put your shoes back on!  Why is no one in the goal?  Walter, get in the goal!

WALTER

Only if Perry can be goalie with me.

COACH MCGUIRK

There can only be one goalie, so Perry stays on the field.

WALTER AND PERRY

Nooooo!

PERRY

I won’t let you go!

WALTER

Never let go!

COACH MCGUIRK

Fine, Brendon, get in the goal.  Brendon, why did you take your shoes off?

BRENDON

Melissa’s right, the grass feels good on your toes.

COACH MCGUIRK

What the hell are you people doing?

BRENDON

Hey, I’m just taking your advice and trying not to think about it.

WALTER AND PERRY

Shoes off!  Shoes off!

COACH MCGUIRK

(to Mandy)

Fine!  You coach them.  I’ll be on the bench putting words to how unflattering your personality is.

MANDY

Hey, coach, let’s make a deal.  You want time to write, I want to see the inspiring John I used to know.  Show these kids the Mini Michelin I know and love.

COACH MCGUIRK

Please stop saying that.

MANDY

I’m here for the rest of the week.  If you coach one game where you give it your all, and you win, I’ll coach your team for the rest of the week.

COACH MCGUIRK

And if I lose?

MANDY

Then you take off your shirt and show me that stack of tires.  And I’ll still coach your team for the week.

COACH MCGUIRK

Jesus Christ.  Fine.  But don’t expect me to spare you from the marshmallow lava.

MANDY

I told you I’m a lesbian.  I’m not interested in your ejaculate.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Field of Creams” – Scene 2

“My Cat Is Depressed,” And 99 Other Reasons I Didn’t Write A Blog Post Today

I’m writing a novel, I’m writing a blog, I have a life, and I like to keep up to date with books, movies and music.  I’m only one person and I only have 24 hours in a day, so I’ve been delegating editing work to my cat.  I know what you’re going to say, “Jim, just hire a human editor to proof-read your work.”  I’m sorry I can’t afford that right now.  Everything I write has to go by my cat before it gets published.  Subsequently, my cat is depressed and is feeling extra lethargic.  He’s still working through what I wrote for him two days ago and his mood is not picking up.  As you can imagine, with my editor D.I.A. (depressed in action), it’s impossible to get any work done which is why I haven’t written a blog post in the last few days.

I’m going to the store later tonight to buy some catnip in hopes that will brighten his mood and get him back on track so that I can finish a blog post in (hopefully) the next day or two.  But, of course, I don’t want my cat to be reliant on elicit substances in order to function.  So I’ll just start by micro-dosing the catnip – not me of course, my cat.  I mean, why would I micro-dose catnip, that would be pointless, I’m a human.  It’s that kind of thinking that makes me need a cat-editor in the first place.

Look at me.  My cat doesn’t edit a single post and the entire blog falls to shit.  I can’t even write one blog post without my cat fixing my blunders and making sense of it.  I guess I’ll never be a real writer.  Not until my cat is feeling better, that is.  Now you know the truth of how my sad little sausage is made.  I write barely-comprehendible garbage and my cat edits it down to something easily digestible, unlike whatever he’s currently throwing up on my rug.

So, I apologize for this blog post, hopefully my cat is feeling better soon and gets back to editing my long-winded dribble, so that I can return to publishing quality blog posts regularly.

Mueller Indicts Russians Who Gave Trump $2 Billion Free Ad Time

[WASHINGTON, D.C.] – Robert Mueller announced more indictments on Russians responsible for Hillary losing the 2016 presidential election.  “We finally indicted those Russians who gave Trump $2 billion in free ad time on mainstream American television,” Mueller announced, before indicating that the FBI was preparing additional indictments for Russians responsible for Trump’s 2016 win.  “We will soon announce indictments on the Russians who prevented Hillary from campaigning in Michigan and Wisconsin, and from there, we will target the Russians who created the Electoral College,” which caused Hillary to lose the election, even though she won 3 million more votes than her opponent.  He suggested that from there, the FBI investigation of Russian meddling could go on to include: The Russians who forced Hillary to chose Tim Kaine as her VP, the Russians who kept private her transcripts to Wall Street, and even the Russians who rigged the Democratic Primary against Bernie Sanders.  “If we let these Russians get away with stealing our elections,” Mueller added with un-ironic certainty, “they will do it again in 2018 and again in 2020.”

Television Review: “Who Is America?”

(Photo: Showtime)

Sacha Baron Cohen returns with the interview-style, impersonation comedy, made famous by the socially extreme, satirical characters he portrays, such as Ali G, Borat, and Bruno.  In this series, he plays four new characters, all of which resemble a contemporary American ideology, which has been exaggerated to its most absurdly logical conclusion.

Like any prank show, the real entertainment comes from the response elicited by the prankster; as in, how far can a persona manipulate this unsuspecting person into saying or doing something they normally wouldn’t.  For this to work, the viewer’s suspense of disbelief is reliant upon Cohen’s target to fully believe that his persona is real.  I personally had a hard time believing that Bernie didn’t know it was some kind of prank show, which deflates the humor to a degree, because it’s less funny when someone knows they’re being pranked.  But for the most part, Cohen is able to maintain the illusion of sincerity and improvise, based on the interviewee’s response, to the scene’s maximum potential.  His greatest success in this matter is getting Republican politicians to publicly support training four-year-olds to use firearms against mass shooters in schools.

By honestly addressing society as personified extremity, Cohen reveals the satire that sits on the surface of what is considered “normal” political discourse.  In the Trump era, when politicians lie and spout Orwellian propaganda, many comedians have pointed out that it’s hard to make fun of these people when they are basically walking self-parodies.  Cohen doesn’t attempt to make fun of anyone; instead he allows his absurdity to reveal the absurdity in others; to expose them for the self-parodies that they are.

Anyone who is a fan of impressions should find something to love in Cohen’s performance.  His characters are believable because he doesn’t just perform them, he lives through them; his walk changes, the way he carries himself changes, his speech patterns change – he really is the master of disguise (despite the fact that the make-up is a little over-done at times).  His absurd characters work because he plays them with deft honesty.  He doesn’t just play an absurd point of view, instead he fully embodies the kind of person who would house such thoughts.

There is definitely a lot of potential to be squeezed from these four new characters, and I’m on board for the ride to see how far Cohen can take this, given how uniquely ridiculous he is willing to go.  However, now that people know of the kind of pranks he is pulling off, I wonder how successful he will be in the future in continuing to fool people of power.  His ability to get genuinely surprised and outrageous reactions in this manner may have a shelf life.

Hi, Welcome to My Blog

If you’re reading this, you’re probably one of my Facebook friends, or in my writing group, or you’re one of my parents, or you’re one of those few people who actually stumbled on my blog (I don’t know, maybe you like reading spec scripts for a cartoon that’s been off the air for 14 years).  Whatever the case, you made it!  You’re here!

It’s called the “Boundary-Bending Blog” because I’m not making any attempt to nail down the nature of posts I will be publishing here.  If you look at my most recent posts, they consist of my honest political opinion, vulgar satire, a book review, and speculative screenplays.  That’s the way things go around here: I write what I want to write.

Right now I’m in the process of writing a science fiction novel and it’s been a long road thus far; but one of the lessons I’ve learned is that when you are writing something that large, while you’re in the process of doing so, a whole bunch of other ideas will surface and permeate your consciousness and you have to get write them down and get them out, so you can move on (Even this very blog post is an idea that popped into my head and took control of the creative reins until it was satiated by release).  I created this blog because I wanted to have a place to publish all the random things that pop into my head as I work on completing my novel.  I’m also thinking of it as a kind of resume to prove to possible employers that I’m capable of writing.

I’m going to do my best to continue churning out more quality posts and hopefully you’re on board for the ride.  Maybe you dig my spec scripts but you aren’t into satire.  Maybe you like my opinion on books but my opinion on politics freaks you out.  Whatever the case, I don’t care.  I’m just going to keep chugging along and maybe you’ll like something you read.  And feel free to indulge me in the comments section along the way.

Newest Mueller Indictments: Another Empty Gesture

(GETTY IMAGES)

The overarching trend in the Russiagate investigation has been to make sweeping gestures that fill headlines and then never follow up on those headlines, as key information is retracted or forgotten about.  A prime example of this happening is when media outlets reported that all 17 U.S. Agencies had confirmed Russia meddled in our election; that number was later retracted to 4 Agencies.  But people don’t remember the retraction; they remember the sensationalized headlines and will, to this day, repeat the lie that all 17 Agencies confirmed Russia “hacked our election.”

This pattern continues as Mueller announces indictments on 12 Russians for “hacking the DNC.”  Since no evidence has been presented that Russia hacked the DNC emails, instead the indictments themselves are touted as ample evidence to support that claim; which is simply absurd.  Additionally, the timing of these new indictments is suspicious, because of the other recent indictments made against Paul Manafort for criminal corruption charges.  Now these Russiagate conspiracy-mongers can lump in these erroneous, baseless indictments with the valid corruption indictments, as if they’re all valid.   And again, you’re not allowed to accurately point out that there is no evidence to back up these indictments, because the indictments themselves are somehow evidence that Russia hacked the DNC.  Clearly, Mueller doesn’t actually want these indictments to reach any new truth; the only point is for this to litigate in court for years, so that they can leave the evidence in question and keep the truth in the dark.  By the time they actually get around to revealing that their evidence won’t hold up in court, the Russiagate conspiracy-mongers will have moved onto a new target, meanwhile this grand, baseless headline will remain in the consciousness of those who buy into this Red Scare McCarthyist narrative.

Of course, while those in power withhold information from the public, we can assess the information discerned by professionals according to the metadata.  With the metadata, they can see how much data was transferred from the DNC server, when the transfer started, and when the transfer ended.  Using those three pieces of data it was deemed physically impossible, due to the speed of the transfer, for the data to be traveling to Russia.  The quick speed of the transfer, instead, indicates that the data was stolen using a USB drive – meaning the emails were not “hacked” at all, they were leaked.  So for those of us privy enough to understand the conclusions of the metadata, these paper tiger indictments are a show of how deeply Mueller and his team are willing to sully their names to cover for Hillary’s embarrassingly epic loss.

Yet for those of us with a political memory longer than a goldfish, we remember that Mueller has no integrity and is a full-throated liar.  Mueller was one of the intelligence officials who testified that Iraq had WMDs and was an imminent threat and we had to invade, and now liberals hang on his every word as if he’s not a lying scumbag.

I’m not defending Trump or Russia, I’m just pointing out facts.  The crimes between Trump and Russia will surmount to corruption; because Trump is a corrupt businessman – a fact we knew before he ever took office.  But it’s inconvenient for Russiagate conspiracy-mongers to point out that Trump’s foreign collusion also applies to Israel, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Qatar, and the list goes on.  During the campaign Trump registered 8 new businesses in Saudi Arabia, then got in power and gave them a massive weapons deal.  Why is there no hysteria about Trump being a puppet for Saudi Arabia?  Only Russia?  The narrative makes no sense and reveals itself to be exactly that: a narrative.  Clearly, they are using Russia as a scapegoat so that the establishment never has to have an introspective look as to the real reasons why Hillary lost.

The McResistance can continue clutching their pearls over imagined Russian hacking, as if that is the straw that will break Trump’s back.  They could already impeach Trump on the Emoluments Clause alone (because of his business dealings with foreign governments), so searching for another reason to impeach is pointless, because this Congress clearly will never impeach.  The truth is, most Americans don’t care about or believe this Russiagate narrative, and those who do vote Democrat anyway; thus continuing this pointless narrative will actually empower Trump’s second presidential run, when it turns up that there is no evidence to back up the Russiagate claims and all of this has been for naught, just like all nine Benghazi hearings.  And meanwhile, you could have been fighting for policies that people actually care about and that actually help people; those of us who actually care about defeating Trump in 2020 will be doing just that: fighting for Medicare-for-All, tuition-free education, Net Neutrality, abolishing ICE, ending our foreign wars, ending the drug war, and starting a Green New Deal to transition off of fossil fuels.  Remember: the same people who want us to focus on Russia are the same people who lost to Trump the first time.

Venezuela: A Lesson for the United States

CARACAS, VENEZUELA (Photo by Carlos Becerra/Anadolu Agency/Getty Images)

If you talk to a conservative about Socialism, they’re favorite strawman is to bring up the economic crisis in Venezuela and suggest that any amount of Socialism will plummet our economy into the same over-inflated mess.  But there is actually a way that the United States could face the same consequences being felt in Venezuela, and one of those ways is to stay on the same course we are currently on.

The reason Venezuela is having an economic crisis has nothing to do with the “ist” or “ism” attached to their economic model; it has to do with the fact that 96% of Venezuela’s exports and 40% of their GDP is petrol.  For a decades, Venezuela was one of the wealthiest countries in the region due to their massive reserves of petrol.  When the price of petrol drops, Venezuela’s economy will undoubtedly suffer.  Conservatives claim that if we adopt policies in America meant to serve the people, we will end up like Venezuela, but to compare their economy to the United State’s economy is where they will make their first mistake, because America’s economy is not reliant upon the price of petrol.

Their second mistake is to suggest that Venezuela is Socialist or Communist; 500 different U.S. corporations operate within Venezuela, so by definition, they are Capitalist.  Differentiating their petrol companies from American oil companies because they are “state-owned” is metaphorically slicing hairs.  In 2015 alone, the United States subsidized fossil fuels for a total of $600 billion.  Re-read that fact again a couple times and then tell me American fossil fuel companies are not “state-owned.”  America’s government is no less invested in its fossil fuel companies than Venezuela’s government is invested in theirs.

The reason that Venezuela has strong social protections is because they have five branches of government, as opposed to our three, one of which is the Citizen’s Branch; meaning that the people have more of a voice in which legislation is passed.  The consequence being that the state subsidizes products for their poorest citizens and takes a net loss, because they feel it’s worth it to take care of their most vulnerable citizens.  Of course, with that ideology (which comes from an inherently good place), comes more subsequent problems, such a black market for government-sold items, which become increasingly rare for those who need them.  But it should be emphasized, that this net loss suffered by the state has nothing to do with the current economic turmoil, which, again, has everything to do with the price of petrol dropping.

If conservatives were at all interested in understanding why the price of petrol is dropping, they might actually come closer to understanding the real reason why Venezuela’s economy is in crisis.  To do that, is to look at our own foreign and economic policies, in tandem to Saudi Arabia’s.  The main goal for Saudi Arabia is to create a global monopoly on oil by first destroying the markets of their main competitor’s, Russia and Iran.  Their strategy for doing so is to over-produce oil, so that the market is saturated and the price drops; their goal being that this price drop will hurt Russia and Iran.  At this point, the only countries that have actually been hurt by this change are those which rely on petrol for economic growth, such as Libya, Angola, Nigeria, and Venezuela.

So what is the real lesson the United States can learn from Venezuela, since we know the lesson is not that policies designed to help the poor will destroy our country.  To do that, we need to understand the other reason why the price of fossil fuels is dropping: The price of oil, as with any other commodity, is regulated through supply and demand. When there is an oil surplus, or a reduction in demand, the price will fall.  Saudi Arabia’s actions demonstrate what happens in an oil surplus, but what happens when there is a reduction of demand are very similar and the brunt impact of that could be faced by the United States.  This is what is called the “Carbon Bubble.”  (Hint: the word “Bubble” should be an indicator that it has potential to pop and cause havoc.)  Currently, China is leading the world in investments into renewable energy.  This trend will only increase around the world, as manufacturing renewable technology becomes cheaper than digging dinosaurs out of the ground.  Maybe now is a good time to revisit that number of $600 billion the United States taxpayers paid in 2015 to subsidize the fossil fuel industry.

We are investing billions of dollars of taxpayer money to subsidize pipelines sprawling across our country; trillions to secure global oil reserves for American corporations – what happens if we never see a return on that investment, because in 20 years the price of oil has halved because of China’s booming renewable industry.  The United States could be on the forefront of that new manufacturing industry, instead we are stuck in the past, digging in the dirt; trying to force everyone to watch VHS instead of leading the switch to DVD, or digital.  Right now there is a profit in ignoring the growing renewable market, but once that profit disappears, so will the investors, and so will a large portion of our economy.  Venezuela’s mistake was assuming petrol prices would remain high and our current mistake is the assumption that the price of fossil fuels will remain high.  With our current course of action, it is inevitable that the global demand of fossil fuels will continue to reduce until the Carbon Bubble pops, at which point, it will be far more accurate to compare the United States to Venezuela.

How to Convince People on the Internet That Your Opinion is Correct

When you’re scrolling through Facebook, often times you will stumble upon a comment in which someone is talking about their stupid political opinion.  There are many ways to tackle this situation, but if you actually want to convince them that they are wrong and you are right, there is a very specific set of instructions you must follow:

Step One: Listen to Their Position

And take notes of every stupid thing they say, you’ll need these notes later on.  This shouldn’t be hard since, at this point, you’re still just stalking the comment thread, waiting for the right moment to strike.  Now that you have thoughtfully considered their point of view, we can move on to Step Two.

Step Two: Call Them a Dumb Fuck.

On top of being a great icebreaker, calling someone a dumb fuck in the first sentence of your argument is sure to pacify and emasculate your opponent, publically humiliate them for their lack of knowledge, and put them in the perfect mind frame to accept a new worldview.

Step Three: Strawman Their Position

Don’t attack your opponent’s argument; that feeds into the illusion that their framing is correct.  Instead, build up an extreme version of their argument and attack that.  In most cases they will attempt to correct your strawman, but don’t back down, because best case scenario, they will accept your framing and argue from a weakened position.

Step Four: Stalk Their Facebook Page

Keep in mind weak points to attack.  Are they ugly, overweight, have no friends, or post stupid things to their wall?  These are all great options of weaknesses to take note of, but be creative!  Sometimes it’s more effective to take something they view to be a positive thing and turn it into a negative thing.

Step Five: Attack Their Weaknesses

You’ve stocked your arsenal, heard their stupid opinions, scoured their stupid page, called them a dumb fuck, and now you’re ready to dress down this silly human and attack every crevice of their existence.   The key to being successful in Step Five is to utilize every previous step: 1) maintain and build upon your strawman and continually reference it.  This keeps them on the defense.  2) point out how shitty their personal life is and link it to how stupid their opinion is. 3) call them a dumb fuck again.

Step Six: “Haha” React Their Comments

On each of your opponent’s comments, hover over the “Like” button and select the “Haha” reaction.  This will make it look like you are laughing at how stupid their point of view is.  At the very least this will make them feel self conscious and reconsider whether they did actually say something stupid (they did!).

Step Seven: Success

The biggest mistake newcomers make in this process is that they don’t know when to fold and bail from the comment thread.  Your opponent is too full of pride and ego to actually admit that you convinced them.  Leaving a conversation demonstrates that you are far too intellectual to continue speaking.  At this point, you’ve demonstrated how much smarter than them you are and sometimes, all it takes is a seed of knowledge to grow into a big stupid tree.  It may not happen now, it may not happen tomorrow, but rest easy knowing that if you followed this strategy to the T, your opponent will fully change and adopt your worldview.