EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY
Brendon approaches the bench where Coach McGuirk is typing on a laptop. A soccer game is in progress.
BRENDON
Coach, we’re getting creamed out there.
COACH MCGUIRK
This isn’t news to me, Brendon, you get creamed every game.
BRENDON
So shouldn’t you try to give us some motivation instead of just sitting there?
COACH MCGUIRK
If my silent disapproval doesn’t motivate you, nothing will.
BRENDON
Nothing is what you’re already doing.
COACH MCGUIRK
I’m writing, Brendon. I’m a writer now. Writers don’t waste time with motivation or deep thinking, it’s all on the surface.
BRENDON
I guess you don’t care if we lose then.
COACH MCGUIRK
No one cares if you lose, Brendon, they only care that you play. I learned that writing; people don’t want to read anything that makes them think. Thinking hurts, Brendon, people don’t like to do it. Just write a corny love story and the masses will love you for it.
BRENDON
You want me to write a love story?
COACH MCGUIRK
No, I want you to get on the field and stop thinking about it. And stop looking so terrified when the ball comes near you, the other kids can sense it.
BRENDON
It’s probably because their coach is so involved in the game. Look how intense she is.
COACH MCGUIRK
Dammit, Brendon, you made me make eye contact. Is she walking over here?
BRENDON
Yeah, she’s headed right for you.
COACH MCGUIRK
Crap, I don’t have time for this.
MANDY
What’s the hold up over here? Who let this homeless guy on the field?
BRENDON
He’s not homeless, that’s our coach.
COACH MCGUIRK
I’m a writer, thank you very much.
MANDY
Wait a minute. John? John McGuirk, is that you?
COACH MCGUIRK
Uhh, yeah. And you are?
MANDY
It’s me, Mandy, from summer camp all those years ago. I remember I had the biggest crush on you back then.
COACH MCGUIRK
You see Brendon, being a writer gets all the ladies riled up, I can hardly claw ’em off me. I’m sorry, Miss, but I’m currently in a relationship. I would say take a number, but I don’t have one of those number machines. Maybe I should invest in one.
MANDY
Oh I don’t mean to give you the wrong impression. It was actually you who made me realize I was gay.
COACH MCGUIRK
Wait, what?
MANDY
I realized that I was attracted to how round and supple your chest was, and I realized I liked boobs.
COACH MCGUIRK
Is that a fat joke?
MANDY
Oh, I don’t mean to be crude, I remember you were sensitive about your weight. Oh, and the kids used to call you Mini Michelin cause it looked like a stack of tires when you took your shirt off.
BRENDON
Some things never change.
COACH MCGUIRK
This isn’t helping.
MANDY
Well, I just wanted to tell you that you were an inspiration to my life.
BRENDON
I wish he could be an inspiration to any of us.
COACH MCGUIRK
Hey, I’m a good coach.
MANDY
I have to agree with the kid, John. From what I see, you have the motivational skills of a dead fish.
COACH MCGUIRK
Truth be told, I’m not really a coach. I’m a writer.
MANDY
Really? Do you have anything published?
COACH MCGUIRK
Well, no. I’m not making money as a writer yet, which is why I still need the coaching job.
MANDY
So truth be told, you’re not really a writer. You’re a coach, coach.
COACH MCGUIRK
How dare you. Just for that, I’m writing you into my story and you’re not gonna like how I portray you.
MANDY
Are you going to keep in the part where I’m a way better coach than you?
COACH MCGUIRK
Oh, marshmallow lava is way too quick of a death for you.
MANDY
No you’re right, it would be too hard for you to portray a decent coach, since you have no idea what it’s like to be one.
COACH MCGUIRK
You’d love for me to prove you wrong, wouldn’t you? I’m not falling for it.
BRENDON
(to Mandy)
Can you just be our coach, too?
COACH MCGUIRK
Dammit, Brendon, stay out of this.
MANDY
No he’s right. I’ll coach both teams and you sit there and take notes on what a coach is supposed to do.
COACH MCGUIRK
That’s it! I’ll show you what a coach is supposed to do.
Coach McGuirk slams his fists on the table and stands up.
COACH MCGUIRK
Brendon, get on the field! Melissa, why are your shoes off?
MELISSA
Because I like how the grass feels on my toes.
COACH MCGUIRK
Put your shoes back on! Why is no one in the goal? Walter, get in the goal!
WALTER
Only if Perry can be goalie with me.
COACH MCGUIRK
There can only be one goalie, so Perry stays on the field.
WALTER AND PERRY
Nooooo!
PERRY
I won’t let you go!
WALTER
Never let go!
COACH MCGUIRK
Fine, Brendon, get in the goal. Brendon, why did you take your shoes off?
BRENDON
Melissa’s right, the grass feels good on your toes.
COACH MCGUIRK
What the hell are you people doing?
BRENDON
Hey, I’m just taking your advice and trying not to think about it.
WALTER AND PERRY
Shoes off! Shoes off!
COACH MCGUIRK
(to Mandy)
Fine! You coach them. I’ll be on the bench putting words to how unflattering your personality is.
MANDY
Hey, coach, let’s make a deal. You want time to write, I want to see the inspiring John I used to know. Show these kids the Mini Michelin I know and love.
COACH MCGUIRK
Please stop saying that.
MANDY
I’m here for the rest of the week. If you coach one game where you give it your all, and you win, I’ll coach your team for the rest of the week.
COACH MCGUIRK
And if I lose?
MANDY
Then you take off your shirt and show me that stack of tires. And I’ll still coach your team for the week.
COACH MCGUIRK
Jesus Christ. Fine. But don’t expect me to spare you from the marshmallow lava.
MANDY
I told you I’m a lesbian. I’m not interested in your ejaculate.
COACH MCGUIRK
Wait, what?
FADE TO BLACK.
James P. W. Martin 