Book Review: The Hike by Drew Magary

The Hike by Drew Magary is a cynical mindfuck of a page-turner, which begs the question: Is it possible to have a more complete understanding of a person after being separated for more than a decade?

The book opens with Ben who, upon a whim, decides to take a hike in the Poconos and somehow gets lost in a parallel universe, or a dream, or a coma; part of the intrigue of the story is the mystery surrounding what precise circumstance has Ben experiencing this metaphysical world.  As he gets more lost, we delve deeper into who he is as person and the memories past, which have shaped him, and in fact, have shaped his current predicament.

The novel presents a complete adventure, from start to finish, which takes Ben across an ever-changing landscape of trials, each one more mind-bending than the last.  The inertia of the narrative is constantly on edge; not just pulling the reader through the story, but doing so at such a rapid speed that you’ll quickly lose track of page numbers.  This is the kind of book where once you read those fated two words, “THE END,” you don’t stare at them and ponder what they entail; instead you slam the book closed, because you know in your heart that everything that needs to be said has been said.

Ben is the perfect character for the reader to discover themselves as: imperfect, lazy, cynical, crude, and deeply hilarious.  He is an unwitting imbecile being prodded forward by fate, quick to notice his own suffering and loud at expressing it.  Much of the humor comes from him trying to pinpoint exactly who is responsible for his situation, God or otherwise, and his feeble attempts to express his outrage.  Ben has limited control; he’s being taken on a journey – just like the reader – and through his experience we get a more profound understanding of what really matters to him, and in turn, what matters to us.  I am he as you are me, and we are Crab together.

As we experience Ben’s predicament, we ponder what it means to our own lives.  For example, being lost in a parallel universe can be very similar to living with depression; people don’t know how to reach you, you feel dead to the world, you trudge along a predetermined path hoping it will lead to happiness.  Then long enough on that path, years maybe, you can look back and see the progress you’ve made as a person, building yourself back up like a castle.  It is in this way that Ben’s psychological experience is transformed from profound to personal, as his pain mirrors our own.

With full force you will be compelled to the end of this novel and (just for the sake of outdoing violent metaphors on the book cover) the ending will bulldoze your face with a spiked baseball bat, leaving your decimated jaw agape in silent wonder.

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“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 6

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INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM – NIGHT

The sign on the door reads: WRITING COMPETITION TONIGHT!  Melissa is on stage in front of the crowd, reading her submission.

MELISSA

And here, thou art cast away, Wilson.  Bound to mine own earthly raft, I cannot reach.  For if I follow, to the tide, I will finally succumb. You are cast and I am cast, and we are both castaways.

INT. BACKSTAGE – NIGHT

Brendon is watching Melissa from backstage, while he continues to write his submission.

BRENDON

And, done!

Brendon puts down the pen and paper.  Coach McGuirk and Clara approach him.

COACH MCGUIRK

Brendon, I’m glad I caught you.  Listen, you don’t have to do that thing any more.

BRENDON

Ah ah ah, I’m a man of my word, Coach.  I told you I could handle it and I did.

COACH MCGUIRK

What did you do?

BRENDON

I finished your novel, but I didn’t have time to write for the competition, so I combined them into one.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh my god, Brendon, don’t.

The audience applause and Mr. Lynch takes the microphone.

MR. LYNCH

That was Melissa, with A Midsummer Night’s Castaway.  And now, our next competitor, Brendon Small.

BRENDON

You’ll thank me for this later, Coach.

Melissa exits and Brendon walks on stage. Coach McGuirk turns to Clara.

COACH MCGUIRK

We should leave right now.

CLARA

Why, babe?  What’s wrong?

COACH MCGUIRK

It’s just…

BRENDON

Ahem, if I could get everyone’s attention please.  My submission to the writing competition is dedicated to my soccer coach, Coach McGuirk.

CLARA

That’s so sweet.

BRENDON

He’s always there for me when I have a question and he teaches me valuable lessons.  He’s honestly more of a father figure to me than my own dad is.

AUDIENCE

Awwww!

BRENDON

Most recently, he taught me that it’s okay to be a prostitute.

COACH MCGUIRK

Jesus Christ, Brendon, what are you doing?

CLARA

Aww!

MR. LYNCH

Excuse me?

BRENDON

We’re all prostitutes in our own way and society needs prostitutes in order to thrive.  Being a prostitute is a beautiful thing.

CLARA

You go, little weird kid!

BRENDON

And now for my writing submission.  In that moment, double agent Coach McGuirk decided to hire a prostitute, because hiring a prostitute is a lot easier than doing it yourself.

MR. LYNCH

Get off the stage, Brendon.  You don’t have to do it anymore.

BRENDON

Okay.  Oh, and by the way, if anyone needs a prostitute, I’m currently selling my services.

Brendon walks off stage.

CLARA

Okay, that got weird.

COACH MCGUIRK

The imaginations on these kids, huh?

MR. LYNCH

I’ll see you in my office after the show, McGuirk.

BRENDON

(To Coach McGuirk)

So, what did you think?

COACH MCGUIRK

I think I just lost my job.

CLARA

I thought it was amazing.  You have a real talent with words.

Clara leans down and kisses Brendon on the forehead.

BRENDON

Oh, wow.  Now I get why you want to be a writer, Coach.

COACH MCGUIRK

You’re lucky I don’t want to go back to prison, Brendon.

INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM – NIGHT

MR. LYNCH

And the winner of tonight’s writing competition is Jason Penopolis, who wrote, Culture of the Cultured: An Ode to Yogurt.

JASON

Alright!  Yogurt-eaters for the win!

MR. LYNCH

And your prize is a twenty-dollar gift-certificate to Ike Dream’s Ice Cream!

JASON

Are you friggin’ kidding me?

FADE TO BLACK.

CREDITS.

Continue to Episode 3: “Field of Creams” – Scene 1

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 5

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INT. STROMBOLI OLIE’S – NIGHT

Coach McGuirk sits at a table across from Clara.

CLARA

Thanks for inviting me to dinner, John.  It’s so great to be able to sit down with other writers and talk about writing.

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, you know me, I love writing so much, I can hardly stand it.

CLARA

I’m so fascinated by your novel.  It’s so sexy when a man can come up with good ideas and turn them into words on a page.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about, Clara.  You see, I’m not the person you think I am from my novel.

CLARA

What, do you think I’m stupid?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, I…

CLARA

I know you’re not a secret double agent, John, I know it’s just a book.  You’ve never killed a whale with your bare hands, you probably don’t have a yacht, and there’s no such thing as marshmallow volcano lava.

COACH MCGUIRK

What?  Of course there is.  It’s not that, Clara.  The truth is, I’m not a real writer.  What I submitted was the most I’ve ever written in my entire life and I plan to keep it that way.

CLARA

I see.  That certainly changes things.

COACH MCGUIRK

It does?

CLARA

Big time.  Unfortunately, I’m only attracted to writers, so if that’s not you, I may have gotten my hopes up.

COACH MCGUIRK

There’s gotta be another way.  I like you so much, there has to be a way we can make this work.

CLARA

Well, truth be told, I haven’t been honest with you either, John.

COACH MCGUIRK

You haven’t?

CLARA

Yes, I’m an aspiring author, but I’m also a prostitute, John.

COACH MCGUIRK

Uhh, wait, what?

CLARA

I’m a prostitute, John.  So you can have me if you can afford me.

COACH MCGUIRK

And how much is that?

Clara leans over the table and whispers in his ear.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh.  Is there any chance you would accept 20%-off coupons to Bogurt’s Yogurt?

CLARA

That’s a confirmed no on the yacht, huh?

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait a minute.  I did write what I submitted.  You’re telling me, all I have to do is keep writing and you’ll be my girlfriend?

Clara smiles.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 6

Unknown Rapper Trying to Get Shot For Fame

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SquiggleXLampshade diving headfirst into the crossfire of gang violence. 

Virtually unknown Chicago-based rapper, SquiggleXLampshade, is trying to earn his place among the greatest rappers by getting shot.  “My music sounds like every other rap song,” he bragged, “my hair-do looks like an exotic bird, I have face tattoos, now I just need some bullet holes to get clicks on my soundcloud.”  Our interview took place on a street corner in the Chicago projects, where the 20-year-old rapper was actively searching for drive-by shooters.  “All the best rappers got shot before they made it big, I’m just looking for my shot at fame,” SquiggleXLampshade said, before spitting out two verses which rhymed fame with fame, causing the interviewer to roll his eyes.  “I’m out here starting beefs with everyone – that’s how you play the rap game.”  He appeared optimistic that he would soon be discovered, claiming, “once I get shot, I can finally get in the studio and make some music.”  As of press time, SquiggleXLampshade was wearing a deer outfit while frolicking through hunting grounds.

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 4

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EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon sits on the soccer field alone with a pen, pad of paper, a copy of Coach McGuirk’s printed novel, and an empty ice cream bowl.  He flips through McGurik’s manuscript.

BRENDON

I just can’t follow Double Agent John McGuirk’s character arc.  He starts on a whaling ship, then the ninja assassins come out of no where, and somehow the Russian spy sub can pass through the marshmallow lava.  This source material is garbage!  I can’t work with this.

Brendon throws the manuscript a few feet away.  SHANNON walks over and picks it up and begins to read it.

SHANNON

After snapping the neck of the last ninja with a swift high kick, Double Agent John McGuirk grabbed Clara for one last kiss before he dove into the marshmallow lava.  Did you write this crap, Brendon?

BRENDON

No, I didn’t write it, Coach McGuirk did.  He paid me to finish writing it for him.

SHANNON

Oh, so you’re a prostitute.

BRENDON

A what?

SHANNON

A prostitute.  You’re a prostitute, Brendon.  You sell yourself to men so they can get off.

BRENDON

Is that what I’m doing?

SHANNON

How much did he pay you?

BRENDON

Twenty dollars.

SHANNON

Oh, so you’re a cheap prostitute.

BRENDON

I don’t think you’re using that word correctly.

SHANNON

Oh, I’m using it correctly.  You think you’re the only one Coach asked to write for him?  He practically begged the entire basketball team.  You’re the only pretty woman who said yes to him.

BRENDON

I really don’t appreciate that reference.

SHANNON

How does it feel to know that you’re helping an old desperate man get his rocks off?

Shannon picks up Brendon’s empty ice cream container.

SHANNON

And what’s this?  Ike Dream’s Ice Cream and a receipt for exactly $20 in ice cream?  How did it feel, Brendon, going down your throat?  Did it feel like guilt?

BRENDON

Ok, Shannon, I’ve had enough of this conversation.  Unless you can help me write this, you’re wasting my time.

SHANNON

Unlike you, Brendon, I’m not a prostitute.  So, no, I can’t help you write McGuirk’s jizzfest.  But what I can do is give you advice.

BRENDON

Advice?

SHANNON

Don’t write it.

BRENDON

But Coach McGuirk already paid me.

SHANNON

You’d think he would have learned by now not to pay a hooker until after she’s finished.

BRENDON

So you’re saying I shouldn’t write it?  I’d have to feign my death, grow a mustache, learn French and move to Canada.

SHANNON

You’d really go through all that?  What’s the worst he could do to you?  He’s just a soccer coach.

BRENDON

Yeah, but he gets that look where his eyes go all black, like a shark about to strike, but instead of rows of teeth, it’s smells of vodka.

SHANNON

He’s not a shark, Brendon, he’s a whale.  Didn’t you see the title?  Moby McGuirk.  He’s a big fat white whale.

BRENDON

I don’t think I want to anger that whale.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 5

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 3

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INT. BOGURT’S FROZEN YOGURT – DAY

Brendon and Melissa follow Jason along the line of frozen yogurt dispensers and toppings, as he adds them to his bowl.

JASON

Are you guys seriously not getting any yogurt?

MELISSA

No, it’s too expensive and it’s not that good.

JASON

Not that good?  Step aside Melissa, because you’ve never seen a pro decorate yogurt.

BRENDON

(to Melissa)

So how much did Coach pay you to write for him?

MELISSA

He didn’t pay me anything.  I told him no.

BRENDON

You told him no?  I didn’t even know that was an option.

MELISSA

He wouldn’t go higher than $20 and I’m not that cheap.

JASON

Wait he paid you $20?

BRENDON

Yeah.

MELISSA

Now do you feel stupid for accepting the 20%-off yogurt coupons?

JASON

No, Melissa, I don’t.  Yogurt is amazing and worth it.

BRENDON

Meh, I’d go for Ike Dream’s Ice Cream over Bogurt’s Frozen Yogurt any day.

JASON

That’s because you don’t have a refined pallet.  I don’t even know if I want to be writing the same novel as you with that lack of judgment.

MELISSA

Can I have one of those coupons?

JASON

No, Melissa, get your own 20%-off coupons.  I worked for these.

BRENDON

Well, technically, you haven’t written anything yet.

JASON

I’m going to write so well, I’ll be filled up to here with 20% free yogurt.  You’ll be joining the ranks of Melissa in begging for yogurt coupons.

MELISSA

Brendon, aren’t you supposed to submit to the writing competition?

BRENDON

Yeah, so?

MELISSA

Well, where are you going to find the time to write that and Coach McGuirk’s novel?

BRENDON

That is exactly why I have you two!  I was thinking we could sit down at Ike Dream’s Ice Cream and bounce a few ideas back and forth.  We’ll be done in no time.

JASON

Oh sure, punish the yogurt-eaters in the group.  We don’t all eat ice cream, Brendon!

MELISSA

I told you I’m not doing it, Brendon.  I’m also submitting to the writing competition and I want to win this year.

BRENDON

Wait, what?  You’re submitting?  But Mr. Lynch didn’t force you to.

MELISSA

I know, I just want to prove to myself that I can do it.

BRENDON

Well if our movies suffer as a result, we will certainly have to revisit your contract.

MELISSA

I can still do the movies, Brendon.  You’re the one who isn’t going to be able to work on movies with all your extracurricular activities.

BRENDON

Fine, I’ve seen your work ethic and I don’t need it.  Jason and I can finish that novel in no time.

Jason reaches the checkout counter and hands the coupon to the TELLER.

TELLER

Sorry sir, but this coupon is expired.

JASON

Oh.  Now I feel stupid for accepting the coupons.  I’m not doing it either, Brendon.  It’s like, if you have to pay more than 80% for yogurt, what’s even the point?

Jason and Melissa head for the door.

BRENDON

What?  Really?  Neither of you will help me on this.  Not even for yogurt?

Jason turns around before leaving.

JASON

Oh, I got my yogurt, Brendon, and I’m eating it, too.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 4

Laurel: “Stop Calling Me Yanny!”

[OPINION]: Laurel Peterson

“No, my name is not Yanny.  I said Laurel.  You incorrectly heard Yanny.  You were wrong when you heard that.  I’m not going to pretend that you’re right and change my name to Yanny, just because you can’t admit you made a mistake.  Here, look at my birth certificate, I’m not lying, it says Laurel Peterson right there.

“And don’t even start with the color of my dress.  The color of my dress is empirically blue and black and just because your vision is construed or the lighting is funky, doesn’t make your perception factual.  The only thing that is factual is your incorrect perception of the facts.

“You being allowed to live your life believing that my name is Yanny, or that my dress is gold and white, is the ideological equivalent to every participant getting a trophy.  You were incorrect and if you refuse to admit that, your opinion is not valid.  God dammit, my name is Laurel.”

blue-and-black-dress
Laurel Peterson tired of having her name confused.

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 2

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EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon walks up to the bench where Coach McGuirk is sitting.

COACH MCGUIRK

Brendon, I’m glad you’re here.  Listen, buddy, I need your help on something – and you know what, all your little friends can help out, too.

BRENDON

You’re not going to make us put lotion on your varicose veins again, are you?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, Brendon, this is serious.  I have a girlfriend now.  I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life and it’s killing me inside, because soon Clara’s going to figure out that I’m not a real writer.

BRENDON

But didn’t you write that submission to the writer’s group?

COACH MCGUIRK

I did, Brendon, and it wore me out.  I’m like that chick who toured with The Rolling Stones and then afterward, her voice didn’t work anymore.  I’m spent, Brendon.  I’m a fraud.

BRENDON

So what do you want me to do?

COACH MCGUIRK

You’re a creative.  Your brain is still young and ambitious with the imagination that only comes from being really small; like the smile of a child, or something.

BRENDON

Coach, what are you talking about?

COACH MCGUIRK

You see? I can’t even form sentences anymore, my brain is cooked.  I need you to finish my novel, so I can submit it to the writer’s group, so Clara won’t dump me.

BRENDON

No, I don’t care if Clara dumps you.

COACH MCGUIRK

Please, Brendon, I hate writing so much.  I can’t do it anymore.

BRENDON

I hate writing even more.  Just ask Mr. Lynch how I do in English.

COACH MCGUIRK

I don’t need to talk to that guy.  I’ve seen your movie collection, Brendon.  You write scripts all the time.  You’ve written more in your short life than I’ve ever written in mine.

BRENDON

I’m in the fourth grade.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m going to tell you something you might not know about me, Brendon.  I dropped out of school in fourth grade, so my writing level is probably on par with yours.  You could just finish where I left off and no one will know the difference.

BRENDON

Why did you drop out of school?

COACH MCGUIRK

My father was an alcoholic and couldn’t hold down a job.  He was abusive and made me drop out to work in a textiles factory.

BRENDON

In the fourth grade?

COACH MCGUIRK

Luckily, I’ve always been freakishly large, so no one knew I was only thirteen.

BRENDON

You were thirteen in fourth grade?

COACH MCGUIRK

Cut me some slack, Brendon, I need your help on this.  I have the spirit and testosterone of James Bond, in the body of Jabba the Hutt, with the intellect of a fourth grader.  Have the pity on me my father never had.

BRENDON

I really don’t want to.  I already have too much homework.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’ll pay you.

BRENDON

How much?

COACH MCGUIRK

I have a whole stack of 20%-off coupons to Bogurt’s Frozen Yogurt.  That’s all I can afford right now.

BRENDON

I hate frozen yogurt.  It’s like, hey, yogurt, have you ever heard of ice cream?  It’s only better in every way.

COACH MCGUIRK

Fine, twenty dollars.

BRENDON

Sold!  But I’m not splitting it with Jason and Melissa.  You’ll have to bribe them separately.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m already regretting this.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 3

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 1

HM

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Brendon sits in the back of the classroom drawing, while Mr. Lynch teaches at the front.  Brendon is drawing a picture of Mr. Lynch being usurped by the students in dramatic revolutionary-war style.

MR. LYNCH

Brendon?  Brendon?  Brendon!

BRENDON

The answer is 1776, the revolution began.

MR. LYNCH

No, I asked you to read the freewrite you’ve been working on the entire class period.

BRENDON

This isn’t history class?

MR. LYNCH

No, Brendon, this is English class.

BRENDON

Oh, that explains a lot.

MR. LYNCH

Brendon, I’m starting to get the impression that you’re not enthused about writing.

BRENDON

You’re just getting that impression now?

MR. LYNCH

That’s it, Brendon.  I’m mandating that you submit to this year’s writing competition.

BRENDON

What?  That nerd-o read-a-thon with all the kids that wear glasses?

MR. LYNCH

Hmm, I guess they do all wear glasses.

BRENDON

I just wouldn’t fit in with that crowd.  We come from different worlds, them with glasses, me without glasses.

MR. LYNCH

You’re doing it, Brendon.

BRENDON

No no no, what do you call this?  Extracurricular activity?  No thank you.  Keep that extra because all my school activities are strictly curricular.

MR. LYNCH

Not anymore.  Your participation grade is non-existent, so if you don’t participate in the writing competition, I’m failing you.

BRENDON

What?  When is the deadline?

MR. LYNCH

Next Friday.

BRENDON

That is not nearly enough time for me to sit down and write something.

MR. LYNCH

That is not my problem.  It’s just a twenty page minimum to submit.  I know you can handle that.

BRENDON

And what if I can’t handle it?  Do you really want that on your conscience?

MR. LYNCH

I think I’ll manage.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 2

Steven Tyler Leaks Unreleased Aerosmith Song: “I Don’t Want To Kiss Your Thing”

On Joe Rogan’s podcast last week, Steven Tyler let it slip that the original lyrics to the song, “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing,” may have had been profoundly different than the song we have come to know.  After some deep web research and a few house calls in Maui, this blog was granted exclusive access to a portion of the unreleased song.  Below is the leak from Joe Rogan’s podcast, followed by the clip of the unreleased song.  It appears that the original version of the song was actually about Steven Tyler’s refusal to kiss “your thing,” which by the described “stink,” must surely refer to a gentle-lady’s private parts.  Following the revelation of the unreleased track, DJ Khaled commented that he, too, “does not kiss it.”

After reviewing the song, we interviewed Steven Tyler, mainly to ask about the quality of his voice in the unreleased song.  “I must have had a cold that day,” Tyler mused.  “It really did work out to re-record the track when I was feeling better.  And I think removing the part about smelly pussy helped make it a smash hit.”