I have officially launched an investigation into Russia meddling in the karaoke competition which took place on August 23, 2018. Though I have zero legal authority, I have placed indictments on several Russian agents, who have ties with operatives within the karaoke bar, Finny’s Pub in Doylestown, PA. If any evidence should be required of my claims, the very fact that I have opened an investigation and placed indictments is evidence enough that Russia is guilty.
The winner of the competition was a shady figure who goes by the name of “Sam,” however, reliable sources within the karaoke bar later revealed that Sam’s full name is Saminski Popolovski. Many patrons of the bar that night noted that they “didn’t even remember hearing her sing.” A testimony from the karaoke DJ, who wished to remain anonymous, revealed that Popolovski had mumbled her song in fluent Russian.
The judges of the karaoke competition were unknown figures within the community, two females in their early-twenties, who vanished quickly after the winner of the competition was announced. However, a reliable source from the karaoke bar confirmed that the credit card used by the two judges was directly linked to a lawyer who is directly linked to the Kremlin. Furthermore, there are multiple witnesses who can confirm the fact that both judges were drinking White Russians.
Then I considered the prize of the karaoke competition: a beer cooler with attached bottle opener. My skeptics have already decried a lack of motivation for Russia to want the beer cooler. But I realized, it wasn’t about the beer cooler, it was about sowing discord among a local community. This shadow of doubt Russia has cast on our democratic process of karaoke competitions has destroyed America’s faith in karaoke competitions all together. So long as Russia is an acceptable scapegoat in polite society, I foresee that faith will never be restored.
Karaokegate has officially been declared.
James P. W. Martin 