EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY
Brendon stands at the curb waiting for his mom to pick him up. Coach McGuirk pulls up in his car.
COACH MCGUIRK
Hey, Brendon, let me give you a ride home.
BRENDON
Not if you make me pay for gas like last time.
COACH MCGUIRK
Don’t worry, buddy, this one’s on me.
INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S CAR – DAY
Brendon gets in the car.
BRENDON
Cool, can I pick the radio station?
COACH MCGUIRK
No you can’t, Brendon. Even if I had a working radio, I think I would respect you more not knowing the kind of music you listen to. And I need that respect, Brendon, do you hear me?
BRENDON
Yeah.
COACH MCGUIRK
I know I’m good at hiding it, but that new soccer coach is really getting on my nerves. I need you to get all your little friends together and make them all play well for just one game.
BRENDON
You mean coach them?
COACH MCGUIRK
More or less.
BRENDON
But aren’t you the coach?
COACH MCGUIRK
Oh I know! Oh wait, I’m actually all out of expired frozen yogurt coupons.
BRENDON
You know what, Coach, I don’t know what you’re offering, but I pass. I just got done writing for you and being your prostitute.
COACH MCGUIRK
What did I tell you about using that word around me?
BRENDON
It’s time that I focus on what I want. This time when I sell myself, it’s gonna be to me.
COACH MCGUIRK
And what is it that you want, Brendon?
BRENDON
I want to make an independent documentary that takes the festival circuit by storm.
COACH MCGUIRK
Oh, well then, I just may have the perfect subject matter for your little documentary.
BRENDON
Really?
INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S GARAGE – DAY
The garage door opens to reveal Coach McGuirk and Brendon on the other side.
BRENDON
Whoa, what is that?
COACH MCGUIRK
Brendon, that’s my twin brother, Steve.
In front of them is a glowing tank with a deformed fetus-looking person inside.
COACH MCGUIRK
Don’t be rude, Brendon, say hello.
BRENDON
Is he alive?
COACH MCGUIRK
Yes he’s alive and he has better health insurance than I’ll ever have. Sometimes one twin will try to devour the other twin in the womb. I was only half successful in that process. Anyway, being the dominant twin, it turns out, doesn’t come with government-mandated healthcare.
BRENDON
Hey, Steve. Does Steve ever talk back?
COACH MCGUIRK
No, he just kinda floats in there. I tell him jokes and you can tell he’s laughing because he really starts bobbing around.
Steve beeps once.
COACH MCGUIRK
Oh, yeah, and he beeps once for no, two for yes.
BRENDON
Will Steve let me make a documentary about him?
COACH MCGUIRK
Oh yeah, Steve was always the center of attention in our house growing up. It was always Steve this, Steve that. Steve’s so amazing, why can’t you be more like Steve? Because I’m my own person, okay, Mom!
BRENDON
Whoa.
COACH MCGUIRK
I’m sorry. It was just always stiff competition growing up in Steve’s shadow.
BRENDON
Alright fine, I’ll help you, Coach. Now will you take me home? I need to ask my mom if I ever had a Steve.
COACH MCGUIRK
There are no other Steves, Brendon. Steve is the only Steve.
BRENDON
He’s one lucky guy.
COACH MCGUIRK
Oh crap, Brendon, I’m out of gas. Throw me a five and I’ll get you home.
BRENDON
I can walk from here.
COACH MCGUIRK
Great.
FADE TO BLACK.
James P. W. Martin 