EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY
Brendon walks to the bench where Coach McGuirk is putting soccer balls into a bag.
BRENDON
Wow, I can’t remember the last time we actually won a game.
COACH MCGUIRK
Thank you, Brendon. As your coach…
BRENDON
Oh no, you didn’t do anything.
COACH MCGUIRK
Oh.
BRENDON
Well I guess your complete lack of guidance forced me to think on my feet which made me a better person.
COACH MCGUIRK
That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
BRENDON
That’s sad.
COACH MCGUIRK
I live a sad life, Brendon.
BRENDON
I don’t know, have some perspective, your brother lives in a jar. I don’t hear him complaining.
COACH MCGUIRK
Oh, who are you? My parents? Just because I don’t live in a jar doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings, okay mom?
BRENDON
Geez, you know my mom said she went to high school with you and Steve.
COACH MCGUIRK
Emphasis on Steve. They were all part of the popular group while I made something of myself on the soccer team.
BRENDON
You used to play soccer?
COACH MCGUIRK
Yeah, well I mean, I was on the soccer team and someone had to wash all those jockstraps.
BRENDON
Coach, what’s a jockstrap?
COACH MCGUIRK
It’s a hallmark of soccer and a necessity of safety.
BRENDON
I thought you told me you worked in a textiles factory at thirteen.
COACH MCGUIRK
Angels come in all shapes and sizes, Brendon. My angel goes by the name Child Protective Services.
BRENDON
I caught my mom having sex with someone yesterday.
COACH MCGUIRK
What, really? Should I call my angel for you?
BRENDON
No.
COACH MCGUIRK
I guess it’s been years since your father left.
BRENDON
I’m pretty sure she wants to have sex with your brother next. I don’t know what’s gotten into her.
COACH MCGUIRK
That’s just the charisma of Steve, Brendon. All the ladies love him and I’ll never get it. You join sports teams to try to get noticed, you drive Steve to all the parties, you peel your scabs from the textiles factory, and you should just feel lucky that you get to wash the jockstraps.
BRENDON
Why not try for something more?
COACH MCGUIRK
But then who would wash the jockstraps, Brendon? No, this is where I belong. On this field. You know, something you said today really stuck with me, that all losers are just winners waiting to win. I sincerely feel that way having finally won something, Brendon. It doesn’t matter how many games we get creamed, every morning I return to this field and feel like a winner.
BRENDON
So to keep winning, I’m thinking we create motivational posters about how sad your life is. What do you think of this: Don’t be like McGuirk, get to work.
COACH MCGUIRK
Don’t be a jerk.
BRENDON
If life is hard to approach, just look at our coach.
COACH MCGUIRK
Stop it you little roach.
BRENDON
Get out of the kitchen or become a Mini Michelin.
COACH MCGUIRK
Okay that one was funny.
FADE TO BLACK.
CREDITS.
James P. W. Martin 