“Home Movies” Spec Script – “A McGuirk In Progress” – Scene 5

EXT. COACH MCGUIRK’S BACKYARD – DAY

Coach McGuirk walks outside, where the wedding is being set up.  Brendon follows with the camera.

COACH MCGUIRK

You know, I’m actually glad you brought that camera, Brendon.  I might need to use this as evidence in court, depending how things go tonight.  Help me out and I’ll even sign a waiver so you can put me in your little documentary.

BRENDON

You already signed a waiver last night.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?  You mean you had me sign a waiver when I was drunk?

BRENDON

Yeah.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s called taking advantage of someone while they’re drunk, Brendon, and it’s a crime.  My sister Donna is a cop, I should call her over here.

BRENDON

Cool, I’d love to snag an interview with her.

COACH MCGUIRK

You better hope your camera can catch a bullet.  Look, there she is.

Donna notices them and walks over.  She is only moderately smaller in size than Coach McGuirk.

DONNA

Well if it isn’t my little baby bro.  My little punching bag blew up into a full grown punching bag full of lumps.  Get over here.

Donna bear hugs Coach McGuirk and then holds him at arms length.

DONNA

I feel like I’m looking in a mirror, only your breasts are bigger than mine.

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, except I can’t use mine to crush beer cans.

DONNA

I got first place, didn’t I?

BRENDON

I think I’ll take one of those bullets now.

DONNA

And who is this little squirt?  You never told me you had a kid, Johnny.

BRENDON

I’m not a kid, I’m a documentary filmmaker.

COACH MCGUIRK

And he’s not my son, okay?  I know I don’t have great genes, but I think I could do better than that.

BRENDON

Hey!

COACH MCGUIRK

But I do have a girlfriend who I’m in love with and she’s in love with me and I would love for you to meet her once I find her.

DONNA

You’re nervous, huh?  Scared you’re going to McGuirk it up again?

COACH MCGUIRK

I don’t even want to think about that.

DONNA

No I get it, you ruined my wedding and now you’re scared you’re going to ruin someone else’s wedding.

COACH MCGUIRK

Even after you got divorced, mom and dad still never forgave me.

DONNA

I think that has to do with them being in denial that I date chicks now.

COACH MCGUIRK

Look at us.  You, me and Steve — all three of us lady killers.  Don’t tell me you’re a writer, too.

DONNA

No, I just crush little candies on my cell phone all day.  It’s great.

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, I used to have time for that.

DONNA

Oh, let’s take a picture, I’ll go find Steve, you stay right here.

Donna exits frame.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, don’t leave me.  Crap.  Alright, Brendon, be careful and keep and eye out for…

SHIRLEY

My good for nothing son!

Shirley is yelling at a caterer by the buffet.

SHIRLEY

Make sure you don’t let him anywhere near the buffet.

CATERER

But sir, he lives in a jar.

SHIRLEY

Not him.  The blimp in a tux baby-eater.  There he is.

Shirley walks over to Coach McGuirk.

SHIRLEY

This one right here. I’d point at him but I don’t want to get my fingers bit.  Keep him away from the buffet, he can’t be trusted with ham.

COACH MCGUIRK

Dad, you’re embarrassing me.

SHIRLEY

Good.  Being publicly embarrassed is a family tradition.

COACH MCGUIRK

Are you drunk already?

SHIRLEY

I don’t know, are you a disappointment already?

Coach McGuirk sees Clara walking over.

COACH MCGUIRK

Stop putting your shame for being named Shirley on me, dad.  I have a girlfriend now and I won’t have you treat me that way in front of her.

SHIRLEY

Wait, what?

Clara walks over and joins them.

COACH MCGUIRK

Shirley, I mean, dad, this is my girlfriend, Clara.

SHIRLEY

Wow.

COACH MCGUIRK

We’ve been dating for a couple weeks now and I’m pretty sure if someone dared her to date me, it would have come up by now.

SHIRLEY

Oh my God, I can’t believe it.

COACH MCGUIRK

I know, your little baby boy is becoming a man.

SHIRLEY

No, I mean I can’t believe she hasn’t run away screaming yet.  Is she blind?

CLARA

Hey, you’re being really mean.  John is a good man and he took his brother in when he needed him.

SHIRLEY

Sweetheart, it was a trick.  So that this lug would show up to his brother’s wedding in the first place because of last time how he…

COACH MCGUIRK

Dad, don’t.

CLARA

Last time, what?

SHIRLEY

He ruined his sister’s reception after a beautiful ceremony.  He stormed the buffet table and ate everything before anyone else could get there.  Every chicken wing, every scoop of potatoes, every drop of gravy, gone.  At first we thought a gang a raccoons came through, or maybe a bear.  And then we found him.

COACH MCGUIRK

Dad, stop.

SHIRLEY

Then everyone started saying he McGuirked it up, turning my one good name into an insult and a pejorative.  My one good name!

COACH MCGUIRK

It’s been fifteen years, dad.  When are you going to get over it?

Laverne walks over.

LAVERNE

Shirley, John, the ceremony is beginning, come find a seat.

SHIRLEY

I have to go watch my one good son get married.

COACH MCGUIRK

You’re stressing me out, dad.  I get hungry when I’m stressed.

SHIRLEY

You keep your grubby paws off that buffet until your nana gets a pork chop.  Her blood sugar can’t suffer another episode.

CLARA

You can’t speak to John like that.  He may have his faults but we all do.  He’s sweet and he deserves a second chance.

SHIRLEY

He has a sweet tooth and that’s about it.

Shirley exits frame.

COACH MCGUIRK

I guess we should go find our seats.

CLARA

Screw that.  I say we go over to that buffet together and McGuirk the tater tots off of it.

COACH MCGUIRK

What?  No, we can’t do that.  That’s exactly what I’m not supposed to do.  My dad will never forgive me.

CLARA

Oh please.  If after fifteen years he can’t forgive you for stress eating a buffet, it clearly has nothing to do with you and he’s just projecting his own insecurities.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wow, that’s true.  But it’s my brother’s wedding.  He’ll be so upset if I miss it.

CLARA

I’ve been reading his books and if there’s one thing I can tell, it’s that your brother loves you and he’ll understand you did the right thing.

COACH MCGUIRK

I love you.

Coach McGuirk and Clara come together for a kiss.

LAVERNE

There’s the wedding photographer!

Laverne grabs Brendon and drags him away from Coach McGuirk and Clara and towards the wedding.

BRENDON

Ow!  Hey!

LAVERNE

The wedding is about to begin, you need to get into place.

EXT. BACKYARD WEDDING – DAY

LAVERNE

Here.

The camera stops shaking and Brendon has a side-angle view of the wedding, including Steve, the Bride, the Priest, and the whole front row of chairs, including Shirley and Laverne just now sitting down.

PRIEST

The bride and groom have prepared their own vows.  Steve you may go first.

Jamal steps up and reads from a note card.  He clears his throat.

JAMAL

Celine, when I first heard your voice on the Titanic soundtrack, I knew we were meant to be and here we are.  It is true when I say that for you my heart will go on and on because I have tremendous government-funded healthcare.

PRIEST

Celine, you may read your vows.

CELINE

Steve, you are my Jack and I am your Rose.  I’m full throttle on this ship with you with not enough life boats and I don’t care what happens.

PRIEST

If there are no objections, I now pronounce you man and wife.

Celine hugs and kisses Steve while he beeps the tune of “Here Comes The Bride.”

BYSTANDER

Oh my God!  It’s a McGuirk!  They’re McGuirking!

SHIRLEY

What the hell?

Everyone in the first row turns around and the camera turns to show BYSTANDER pointing to something out of frame.  Brendon moves in for a closer shot.

BYSTANDER

I can’t believe it!  It’s a McGuirk!

Laverne and Shirley and everyone get up to see Clara and Coach McGuirk raiding the buffet table.

BYSTANDER

He’s McGuirking it!  This is a McGuirk in progress!

SHIRLEY

I knew this would happen.  Stop that!

CLARA

God I am so full.  Keep on going babe, you can do it!

Clara has stopped eating but Coach McGuirk continues through the buffet pouring entire trays of food into his mouth.

SHIRLEY

You stop that right now!

COACH MCGUIRK

No!  This is all because you were never able to forgive me for stress eating Steve in the womb!  I’m sorry, Steve!  I’m also sorry to you, Celine Dion, I didn’t even know you were here.  But I’m really sorry to you Steve!  I tried to devour you before you were even born and now I’m devouring everything in front of me and I ruined your wedding.

SHIRLEY

That’s for sure.  And what about Donna?  You McGuirked her wedding and it resulted in her divorce three months later.

DONNA

No, dad, you keep refusing to hear me when I tell you I’m gay.

SHIRLEY

Yes, Donna, we’re all very happy.

JAMAL

Wait!  Steve has something to say!

Jamal pushes Steve over and he begins to beep a series of beeps.

JAMAL

Steve says John did nothing wrong.  He McGuirked tonight as I knew he would because my parents stress him out and I’ve known he was a stress-eater since we shared a womb.

COACH MCGUIRK

I can’t help it!  I get so hungry when I’m stressed.

JAMAL

Steve says this has to end.  He has forgiven John for all McGuirks past and McGuirks in progress and our father should as well.

SHIRLEY

Oh my God, you’re right.  In all my anger, I never thought of how I was hurting my family.  Steve, Donna, Johnny… Everyone get in for a hug!

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, I’ll be right there once I finish these pork chops.

FADE TO BLACK.

CREDITS.

AS CREDITS ROLL:

EXT. BACKYARD WEDDING – DAY

Paula shows up in a wedding dress holding a bouquet of white roses.

PAULA

Steve?  Steve where are you?

BRENDON

Mom, what are you doing here?

PAULA

Brendon, have you seen Steve?

BRENDON

Yeah he’s over there.

Brendon points the camera to Steve and Celine Dion making out and back to Paula.

PAULA

Oh crap, he married Celine Dion?

Paula drops the white roses.

PAULA (Continued)

I should probably get changed.

FADE TO BLACK.

Advertisement

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Field of Creams” – Scene 5

EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon walks to the bench where Coach McGuirk is putting soccer balls into a bag.

BRENDON

Wow, I can’t remember the last time we actually won a game.

COACH MCGUIRK

Thank you, Brendon.  As your coach…

BRENDON

Oh no, you didn’t do anything.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh.

BRENDON

Well I guess your complete lack of guidance forced me to think on my feet which made me a better person.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

BRENDON

That’s sad.

COACH MCGUIRK

I live a sad life, Brendon.

BRENDON

I don’t know, have some perspective, your brother lives in a jar.  I don’t hear him complaining.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, who are you?  My parents?  Just because I don’t live in a jar doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings, okay mom?

BRENDON

Geez, you know my mom said she went to high school with you and Steve.

COACH MCGUIRK

Emphasis on Steve.  They were all part of the popular group while I made something of myself on the soccer team.

BRENDON

You used to play soccer?

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, well I mean, I was on the soccer team and someone had to wash all those jockstraps.

BRENDON

Coach, what’s a jockstrap?

COACH MCGUIRK

It’s a hallmark of soccer and a necessity of safety.

BRENDON

I thought you told me you worked in a textiles factory at thirteen.

COACH MCGUIRK

Angels come in all shapes and sizes, Brendon.  My angel goes by the name Child Protective Services.

BRENDON

I caught my mom having sex with someone yesterday.

COACH MCGUIRK

What, really?  Should I call my angel for you?

BRENDON

No.

COACH MCGUIRK

I guess it’s been years since your father left.

BRENDON

I’m pretty sure she wants to have sex with your brother next.  I don’t know what’s gotten into her.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s just the charisma of Steve, Brendon.  All the ladies love him and I’ll never get it.  You join sports teams to try to get noticed, you drive Steve to all the parties, you peel your scabs from the textiles factory, and you should just feel lucky that you get to wash the jockstraps.

BRENDON

Why not try for something more?

COACH MCGUIRK

But then who would wash the jockstraps, Brendon?  No, this is where I belong.  On this field.  You know, something you said today really stuck with me, that all losers are just winners waiting to win.  I sincerely feel that way having finally won something, Brendon.  It doesn’t matter how many games we get creamed, every morning I return to this field and feel like a winner.

BRENDON

So to keep winning, I’m thinking we create motivational posters about how sad your life is.  What do you think of this: Don’t be like McGuirk, get to work.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t be a jerk.

BRENDON

If life is hard to approach, just look at our coach.

COACH MCGUIRK

Stop it you little roach.

BRENDON

Get out of the kitchen or become a Mini Michelin.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay that one was funny.

FADE TO BLACK.

CREDITS.

Continue to Episode 4: “A McGuirk in Progress”

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Field of Creams” – Scene 3

INT. BRENDON’S HOUSE – DAY

Brendon walks in and heads for the basement before he hears a sound a follows it up the stairs.

VOICE

Oh my God!  Oh my God!

INT. PAULA’S ROOM – DAY

Brendon opens the door.

BRENDON

Mom?

PAULA

Oh my God, Brendon, how many times have I told you to knock?

Covered in sheets, Paula jumps out of bed to the closet and starts throwing on clothes.

BRENDON

Mom!  What are you doing?

PAULA

Leave and close the door, Brendon.  Why are you still in here?

BRENDON

Who is that?

TONY

Hey kid, I’m Tony.

Tony is sitting in bed, a blanket covering his lower half.

PAULA

Christ, Tony, why are you talking to my son naked?

TONY

He needs to learn the truth, Paula.

PAULA

Why?

BRENDON

What is happening?

TONY

Brendon, I’m in love with your mother.

PAULA

Really?  You decide to say that now?

BRENDON

I’m so confused.

TONY

I know you’re probably feeling a lot of strange emotions right now.

PAULA

Oh my God, why are you still talking to my son naked?

TONY

Honestly Paula, I just met your kid and I thought he could handle it.

PAULA

Look at him, he clearly can’t.

TONY

I can see that now.

Paula returns fully clothed and kneels down to comfort Brendon.  Tony puts on a shirt.

PAULA

What is it, Brendon?  Are you okay?

BRENDON

No mom, I’m not okay.

TONY

I’m sorry, Brendon, you’ll probably be confused for the rest of your life.

BRENDON

I hate to disappoint you, but this is not the most scarring thing I’ve seen today.

PAULA AND TONY

It’s not?

BRENDON

Mom, have you ever met Steve?

PAULA

Steve?  You can’t possibly mean Steven McGuirk?

BRENDON

Wait, you’ve met him?

PAULA

Met him?  I was his girlfriend for two months in senior year.  The best two months of my life.

Tony now fully clothed gets out of bed.

TONY

Wait, who is this Steve?

PAULA

Only the most popular guy in school.

TONY

Should I feel threatened right now?

PAULA

Don’t worry, he broke up with me.  I never really had a chance with him.  Those looks and that intellect.

TONY

You just told me not to be worried.  Now I’m worried.

BRENDON

Did I ever have a Steve?

PAULA

Oh sweetie, you know I tell you you’re special all the time, but you’re not that special.

BRENDON

Gee, thanks, mom.

PAULA

Steve is a miracle and an accomplished author and the singular inspiration of my life.

TONY

I’m not feeling any less insecure over here.

BRENDON

Wow, he’s an author, too?

PAULA

He had a full scholarship to Harvard while I only got into state school, where I settled for your father.  I’m sure he wouldn’t even remember me.

BRENDON

Well I hope it’s not weird that I’m making a documentary about him.

PAULA

Wait, Steven is back in town?  I thought he had a loft in Manhattan.

BRENDON

Yeah, I guess he’s staying with Coach or something.

PAULA

Oh, wow.  Do you need a ride over there, Brendon?  How does my hair look?

TONY

I just said I love you.  Does that mean nothing to you?

BRENDON

No, mom.

PAULA

Where does your coach live again, it couldn’t hurt to say hello to an old friend.

TONY

Oh, so is that who you were thinking about when you wouldn’t look at me?

BRENDON

Mom, I learned a lot today about what grown-ups like to do, but I’m not going to help you do those things with more grown-ups.

PAULA

Got it.

Brendon walks out.

TONY

That kid is going to be messed up for life.

PAULA

I know.

TONY

I mean sexually.

PAULA

Oh God, I know.

TONY

Like whips and chains and probably some mommy diaper stuff.

PAULA

I think you should leave.

TONY

Yeah, okay.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Field of Creams” – Scene 4

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Field of Creams” – Scene 2

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY

Brendon stands at the curb waiting for his mom to pick him up.  Coach McGuirk pulls up in his car.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hey, Brendon, let me give you a ride home.

BRENDON

Not if you make me pay for gas like last time.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t worry, buddy, this one’s on me.

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S CAR – DAY

Brendon gets in the car.

BRENDON

Cool, can I pick the radio station?

COACH MCGUIRK

No you can’t, Brendon.  Even if I had a working radio, I think I would respect you more not knowing the kind of music you listen to.  And I need that respect, Brendon, do you hear me?

BRENDON

Yeah.

COACH MCGUIRK

I know I’m good at hiding it, but that new soccer coach is really getting on my nerves.  I need you to get all your little friends together and make them all play well for just one game.

BRENDON

You mean coach them?

COACH MCGUIRK

More or less.

BRENDON

But aren’t you the coach?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh I know!  Oh wait, I’m actually all out of expired frozen yogurt coupons.

BRENDON

You know what, Coach, I don’t know what you’re offering, but I pass.  I just got done writing for you and being your prostitute.

COACH MCGUIRK

What did I tell you about using that word around me?

BRENDON

It’s time that I focus on what I want.  This time when I sell myself, it’s gonna be to me.

COACH MCGUIRK

And what is it that you want, Brendon?

BRENDON

I want to make an independent documentary that takes the festival circuit by storm.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, well then, I just may have the perfect subject matter for your little documentary.

BRENDON

Really?

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S GARAGE – DAY

The garage door opens to reveal Coach McGuirk and Brendon on the other side.

BRENDON

Whoa, what is that?

COACH MCGUIRK

Brendon, that’s my twin brother, Steve.

In front of them is a glowing tank with a deformed fetus-looking person inside.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t be rude, Brendon, say hello.

BRENDON

Is he alive?

COACH MCGUIRK

Yes he’s alive and he has better health insurance than I’ll ever have.  Sometimes one twin will try to devour the other twin in the womb.  I was only half successful in that process.  Anyway, being the dominant twin, it turns out, doesn’t come with government-mandated healthcare.

BRENDON

Hey, Steve.  Does Steve ever talk back?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, he just kinda floats in there.  I tell him jokes and you can tell he’s laughing because he really starts bobbing around.

Steve beeps once.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, yeah, and he beeps once for no, two for yes.

BRENDON

Will Steve let me make a documentary about him?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh yeah, Steve was always the center of attention in our house growing up.  It was always Steve this, Steve that.  Steve’s so amazing, why can’t you be more like Steve?  Because I’m my own person, okay, Mom!

BRENDON

Whoa.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m sorry.  It was just always stiff competition growing up in Steve’s shadow.

BRENDON

Alright fine, I’ll help you, Coach.  Now will you take me home?  I need to ask my mom if I ever had a Steve.

COACH MCGUIRK

There are no other Steves, Brendon.  Steve is the only Steve.

BRENDON

He’s one lucky guy.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh crap, Brendon, I’m out of gas.  Throw me a five and I’ll get you home.

BRENDON

I can walk from here.

COACH MCGUIRK

Great.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Field of Creams” – Scene 3

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Field of Creams” – Scene 1

EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon approaches the bench where Coach McGuirk is typing on a laptop.  A soccer game is in progress.

BRENDON

Coach, we’re getting creamed out there.

COACH MCGUIRK

This isn’t news to me, Brendon, you get creamed every game.

BRENDON

So shouldn’t you try to give us some motivation instead of just sitting there?

COACH MCGUIRK

If my silent disapproval doesn’t motivate you, nothing will.

BRENDON

Nothing is what you’re already doing.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m writing, Brendon.  I’m a writer now.  Writers don’t waste time with motivation or deep thinking, it’s all on the surface.

BRENDON

I guess you don’t care if we lose then.

COACH MCGUIRK

No one cares if you lose, Brendon, they only care that you play.  I learned that writing; people don’t want to read anything that makes them think.  Thinking hurts, Brendon, people don’t like to do it.  Just write a corny love story and the masses will love you for it.

BRENDON

You want me to write a love story?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, I want you to get on the field and stop thinking about it.  And stop looking so terrified when the ball comes near you, the other kids can sense it.

BRENDON

It’s probably because their coach is so involved in the game.  Look how intense she is.

COACH MCGUIRK

Dammit, Brendon, you made me make eye contact.  Is she walking over here?

BRENDON

Yeah, she’s headed right for you.

COACH MCGUIRK

Crap, I don’t have time for this.

MANDY

What’s the hold up over here?  Who let this homeless guy on the field?

BRENDON

He’s not homeless, that’s our coach.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m a writer, thank you very much.

MANDY

Wait a minute.  John?  John McGuirk, is that you?

COACH MCGUIRK

Uhh, yeah.  And you are?

MANDY

It’s me, Mandy, from summer camp all those years ago.  I remember I had the biggest crush on you back then.

COACH MCGUIRK

You see Brendon, being a writer gets all the ladies riled up, I can hardly claw ’em off me.  I’m sorry, Miss, but I’m currently in a relationship.  I would say take a number, but I don’t have one of those number machines.  Maybe I should invest in one.

MANDY

Oh I don’t mean to give you the wrong impression.  It was actually you who made me realize I was gay.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?

MANDY

I realized that I was attracted to how round and supple your chest was, and I realized I liked boobs.

COACH MCGUIRK

Is that a fat joke?

MANDY

Oh, I don’t mean to be crude, I remember you were sensitive about your weight.  Oh, and the kids used to call you Mini Michelin cause it looked like a stack of tires when you took your shirt off.

BRENDON

Some things never change.

COACH MCGUIRK

This isn’t helping.

MANDY

Well, I just wanted to tell you that you were an inspiration to my life.

BRENDON

I wish he could be an inspiration to any of us.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hey, I’m a good coach.

MANDY

I have to agree with the kid, John.  From what I see, you have the motivational skills of a dead fish.

COACH MCGUIRK

Truth be told, I’m not really a coach.  I’m a writer.

MANDY

Really?  Do you have anything published?

COACH MCGUIRK

Well, no.  I’m not making money as a writer yet, which is why I still need the coaching job.

MANDY

So truth be told, you’re not really a writer.  You’re a coach, coach.

COACH MCGUIRK

How dare you.  Just for that, I’m writing you into my story and you’re not gonna like how I portray you.

MANDY

Are you going to keep in the part where I’m a way better coach than you?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, marshmallow lava is way too quick of a death for you.

MANDY

No you’re right, it would be too hard for you to portray a decent coach, since you have no idea what it’s like to be one.

COACH MCGUIRK

You’d love for me to prove you wrong, wouldn’t you?  I’m not falling for it.

BRENDON

(to Mandy)

Can you just be our coach, too?

COACH MCGUIRK

Dammit, Brendon, stay out of this.

MANDY

No he’s right.  I’ll coach both teams and you sit there and take notes on what a coach is supposed to do.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s it!  I’ll show you what a coach is supposed to do.

Coach McGuirk slams his fists on the table and stands up.

COACH MCGUIRK

Brendon, get on the field!  Melissa, why are your shoes off?

MELISSA

Because I like how the grass feels on my toes.

COACH MCGUIRK

Put your shoes back on!  Why is no one in the goal?  Walter, get in the goal!

WALTER

Only if Perry can be goalie with me.

COACH MCGUIRK

There can only be one goalie, so Perry stays on the field.

WALTER AND PERRY

Nooooo!

PERRY

I won’t let you go!

WALTER

Never let go!

COACH MCGUIRK

Fine, Brendon, get in the goal.  Brendon, why did you take your shoes off?

BRENDON

Melissa’s right, the grass feels good on your toes.

COACH MCGUIRK

What the hell are you people doing?

BRENDON

Hey, I’m just taking your advice and trying not to think about it.

WALTER AND PERRY

Shoes off!  Shoes off!

COACH MCGUIRK

(to Mandy)

Fine!  You coach them.  I’ll be on the bench putting words to how unflattering your personality is.

MANDY

Hey, coach, let’s make a deal.  You want time to write, I want to see the inspiring John I used to know.  Show these kids the Mini Michelin I know and love.

COACH MCGUIRK

Please stop saying that.

MANDY

I’m here for the rest of the week.  If you coach one game where you give it your all, and you win, I’ll coach your team for the rest of the week.

COACH MCGUIRK

And if I lose?

MANDY

Then you take off your shirt and show me that stack of tires.  And I’ll still coach your team for the week.

COACH MCGUIRK

Jesus Christ.  Fine.  But don’t expect me to spare you from the marshmallow lava.

MANDY

I told you I’m a lesbian.  I’m not interested in your ejaculate.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Field of Creams” – Scene 2

Television Review: “Who Is America?”

(Photo: Showtime)

Sacha Baron Cohen returns with the interview-style, impersonation comedy, made famous by the socially extreme, satirical characters he portrays, such as Ali G, Borat, and Bruno.  In this series, he plays four new characters, all of which resemble a contemporary American ideology, which has been exaggerated to its most absurdly logical conclusion.

Like any prank show, the real entertainment comes from the response elicited by the prankster; as in, how far can a persona manipulate this unsuspecting person into saying or doing something they normally wouldn’t.  For this to work, the viewer’s suspense of disbelief is reliant upon Cohen’s target to fully believe that his persona is real.  I personally had a hard time believing that Bernie didn’t know it was some kind of prank show, which deflates the humor to a degree, because it’s less funny when someone knows they’re being pranked.  But for the most part, Cohen is able to maintain the illusion of sincerity and improvise, based on the interviewee’s response, to the scene’s maximum potential.  His greatest success in this matter is getting Republican politicians to publicly support training four-year-olds to use firearms against mass shooters in schools.

By honestly addressing society as personified extremity, Cohen reveals the satire that sits on the surface of what is considered “normal” political discourse.  In the Trump era, when politicians lie and spout Orwellian propaganda, many comedians have pointed out that it’s hard to make fun of these people when they are basically walking self-parodies.  Cohen doesn’t attempt to make fun of anyone; instead he allows his absurdity to reveal the absurdity in others; to expose them for the self-parodies that they are.

Anyone who is a fan of impressions should find something to love in Cohen’s performance.  His characters are believable because he doesn’t just perform them, he lives through them; his walk changes, the way he carries himself changes, his speech patterns change – he really is the master of disguise (despite the fact that the make-up is a little over-done at times).  His absurd characters work because he plays them with deft honesty.  He doesn’t just play an absurd point of view, instead he fully embodies the kind of person who would house such thoughts.

There is definitely a lot of potential to be squeezed from these four new characters, and I’m on board for the ride to see how far Cohen can take this, given how uniquely ridiculous he is willing to go.  However, now that people know of the kind of pranks he is pulling off, I wonder how successful he will be in the future in continuing to fool people of power.  His ability to get genuinely surprised and outrageous reactions in this manner may have a shelf life.

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 3

INT. BOGURT’S FROZEN YOGURT – DAY

Brendon and Melissa follow Jason along the line of frozen yogurt dispensers and toppings, as he adds them to his bowl.

JASON

Are you guys seriously not getting any yogurt?

MELISSA

No, it’s too expensive and it’s not that good.

JASON

Not that good?  Step aside Melissa, because you’ve never seen a pro decorate yogurt.

BRENDON

(to Melissa)

So how much did Coach pay you to write for him?

MELISSA

He didn’t pay me anything.  I told him no.

BRENDON

You told him no?  I didn’t even know that was an option.

MELISSA

He wouldn’t go higher than $20 and I’m not that cheap.

JASON

Wait he paid you $20?

BRENDON

Yeah.

MELISSA

Now do you feel stupid for accepting the 20%-off yogurt coupons?

JASON

No, Melissa, I don’t.  Yogurt is amazing and worth it.

BRENDON

Meh, I’d go for Ike Dream’s Ice Cream over Bogurt’s Frozen Yogurt any day.

JASON

That’s because you don’t have a refined pallet.  I don’t even know if I want to be writing the same novel as you with that lack of judgment.

MELISSA

Can I have one of those coupons?

JASON

No, Melissa, get your own 20%-off coupons.  I worked for these.

BRENDON

Well, technically, you haven’t written anything yet.

JASON

I’m going to write so well, I’ll be filled up to here with 20% free yogurt.  You’ll be joining the ranks of Melissa in begging for yogurt coupons.

MELISSA

Brendon, aren’t you supposed to submit to the writing competition?

BRENDON

Yeah, so?

MELISSA

Well, where are you going to find the time to write that and Coach McGuirk’s novel?

BRENDON

That is exactly why I have you two!  I was thinking we could sit down at Ike Dream’s Ice Cream and bounce a few ideas back and forth.  We’ll be done in no time.

JASON

Oh sure, punish the yogurt-eaters in the group.  We don’t all eat ice cream, Brendon!

MELISSA

I told you I’m not doing it, Brendon.  I’m also submitting to the writing competition and I want to win this year.

BRENDON

Wait, what?  You’re submitting?  But Mr. Lynch didn’t force you to.

MELISSA

I know, I just want to prove to myself that I can do it.

BRENDON

Well if our movies suffer as a result, we will certainly have to revisit your contract.

MELISSA

I can still do the movies, Brendon.  You’re the one who isn’t going to be able to work on movies with all your extracurricular activities.

BRENDON

Fine, I’ve seen your work ethic and I don’t need it.  Jason and I can finish that novel in no time.

Jason reaches the checkout counter and hands the coupon to the TELLER.

TELLER

Sorry sir, but this coupon is expired.

JASON

Oh.  Now I feel stupid for accepting the coupons.  I’m not doing it either, Brendon.  It’s like, if you have to pay more than 80% for yogurt, what’s even the point?

Jason and Melissa head for the door.

BRENDON

What?  Really?  Neither of you will help me on this.  Not even for yogurt?

Jason turns around before leaving.

JASON

Oh, I got my yogurt, Brendon, and I’m eating it, too.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 4

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 6

(Original picture source: Adult Swim)

INT. MEETING ROOM – NIGHT

Coach McGuirk opens the door and walks in.  Three other men sit at the table in the room.

COACH MCGUIRK

Is this the writer’s group?

DEVIN

Yup, this is the Super Fun Writer’s Club!

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s what you call it?

DEVIN

What’s wrong with the name?

COACH MCGUIRK

Well, writing isn’t fun or super, so everything.  What about The Honey Pot-tential Authors?  That’s more relevant, huh?

DEVIN

What are you talking about?

COACH MCGUIRK

I guess you wouldn’t get it.  Hey, I was expecting a female to be here, her name is Clara.

DEVIN

Clara isn’t here yet, but I’m Devin, and this is Greg and Mark.  And you are?

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m John McGuirk.

GREG

John McGuirk?  So you named the main character after yourself, huh?

Greg and Mark laugh.  Coach McGuirk sits down.

COACH MCGUIRK

Um.

DEVIN

Alright guys, we haven’t started the review yet.  First, some ground rules.  Rule number one, you’re not allowed to speak while the group reviews you.  Rule number two is have fun.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh Jesus Christ.

DEVIN

And I’m a stickler for the rules, John.  So, let’s get started on your piece.  Greg, what did you think of John’s piece titled, Moby McGuirk?

GREG

I just have a question real quick.  Were you aiming for a crappier version of Moby Dick or is that just what you landed on?

COACH MCGUIRK

What kind of question is that?

GREG

Look, I just mean-

COACH MCGUIRK

You’re lucky Clara isn’t here yet, buddy.  If you talk to me like that when she’s here-

DEVIN

John, you can’t speak.

COACH MCGUIRK

I will follow you to your car, stalk you home, watch you for a few days or a week, until I figure out what you love most, by the looks of you, probably a cat.

GREG

Mr. Pickles.

DEVIN

John, I just want to remind you that you can’t speak during the review.

COACH MCGUIRK

He asked me a question.  So, yeah, don’t make me finish that sentence when — Clara you’re here!

Clara walks into the room and sits down.

CLARA

Sorry I’m late.  I’m so glad you could make it, John.

GREG

So glad.  We were just reviewing his novel.

COACH MCGUIRK

Let’s hear what the lady has to say, okay buddy, you had your chance.

DEVIN

John, remember, you can’t speak.

COACH MCGUIRK

I got it.

CLARA

Well at first, when I was reading it, I was confused.

GREG

See, that’s what I’m saying.

CLARA

But then I realized the genius behind it, how all great artists steal, and you have weaved the artists in your life into a beautiful mesh of raw passion.

Coach McGuirk and Clara move closer to each other.

COACH MCGUIRK

What else do you like about it, baby?

DEVIN

John, I want to remind you that-

COACH MCGUIRK

I heard you!  Can it already!

CLARA

When Double Agent John McGuirk erupts out of the marshmallow volcano, my breath was taken.

COACH MCGUIRK

I knew you’d like that.

CLARA

And I realized that whoever wrote this manuscript should be the father of my children.

GREG

Come again?

COACH MCGUIRK

Did you?

CLARA

And again.

COACH MCGUIRK

Kiss me.

Coach McGuirk and Clara start making out.

DEVIN

John, I just want to remind you that you’re not allowed to talk.

Coach McGuirk and Clara ignore him and keep making out.

DEVIN

John?  Clara?  Well what did everyone else think?

GREG

I honestly thought it was written by a fourth grader.

FADE TO BLACK.

CREDITS.

Continue to Episode 2: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 1

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 4

(Original picture source: Adult Swim)

EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon walks to the bench.  Coach McGuirk is sitting on the bench, resting his laptop on a soccer ball.  He is still writing.  He clearly hasn’t slept.

BRENDON

Coach?

COACH MCGUIRK

For art thou – what Brendon?!  Don’t interrupt me!

BRENDON

What are you doing?

COACH MCGUIRK

What does it look like?  I’m writing!  Never interrupt a writer, Brendon.

BRENDON

Why?

COACH MCGUIRK

What?  Do you just walk up to a firefighter and say, ‘hey, why are you putting out that burning building?’

BRENDON

No.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s right, no.  They stop to answer your little feeble-minded question, and in the mean time, people burn alive.  You want that on your hands?

BRENDON

No.

COACH MCGUIRK

Well, the burning building is my mind, Brendon.  Every second you waste yakking, it gets hotter and hotter.

BRENDON

What happened to marinating those idea pearls?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, get off your high horse, Brendon.  It’s not a good look for you.

BRENDON

Where does that cable go?

Brendon points to the extension cord attached to McGuirk’s laptop, which extends out of frame.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t worry about it and don’t bug me, I have three hours hours to finish this chapter.  Do you have any idea how long it takes to write?  I’ve been at it for fifteen hours and I’m barely at four and a half pages.

Brendon looks over Coach McGuirk’s shoulder.

BRENDON

Are you copying Moby Dick?

COACH MCGUIRK

Not anymore.  The book was just a jumping point, but I’ve reached a new plane and the ideas are excreting out of me faster than ever.

BRENDON

Reading is hard, too, huh?

COACH MCGUIRK

I couldn’t stomach another word of that garbage.

Coach McGuirk throws the book as hard as he can over the bleachers.

MELISSA

Ow!

Melissa walks into frame carrying the book.

MELISSA

Who threw this?  Was it you Brendon?

BRENDON

No, it wasn’t me, it was, uh, the wind.  Blew it right over there.

MELISSA

It’s not even windy, Brendon.

BRENDON

Oh, it was, just a moment ago.

MELISSA

Well now I don’t remember because I was just hit in the head by Moby Dick.

Melissa trips on the extension cord and falls down.

MELISSA

Ow!  What the?

Melissa stands up.

MELISSA

Coach this wire is a safety hazard.

COACH MCGUIRK

No it’s not.

MELISSA

Yes it is, I just tripped on it, it’s a hazard of safety.

COACH MCGUIRK

Well now you know it’s there and you won’t trip again.

MELISSA

No!  First I get hit with a Dick!

COACH MCGUIRK

Could you change the wording, please?

MELISSA

Then I trip on your computer wire.  This isn’t okay, I’m about to call Mr. Lynch over here.  Mr. Lynch!

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay, okay, Melissa.  Technically, I’m not allowed to have my laptop on the field.  But technically, girls aren’t allowed to play on the soccer team and I allow you to play any way.

MELISSA

Is that true?

COACH MCGUIRK

No.  But if it were, wouldn’t you appreciate me for that?

MELISSA

Yeah.

COACH MCGUIRK

Well there you go.  And technically, I threw the book that hit you in the head.  Hehe.

MELISSA

What?  Brendon you knew about this?  And you lied to me?

BRENDON

What?  No?

MELISSA

Why would you lie about something so trivial?

BRENDON

No I didn’t lie!  It was simply a misjudgment.  I had my back turned and I didn’t see it.  I really did think it was the wind.

MELISSA

Well you’d have to be pretty stupid to think that, it’s a really heavy book.

BRENDON

Okay, Melissa, I admit I am very stupid.

MELISSA

Well that’s true.  Okay I have to go.

Melissa exits frame.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wow, Brendon that was incredible.

BRENDON

What was?

COACH MCGUIRK

A female catches you in a lie and you dodge claiming stupidity.  Haha.  To think, fifty years of lying to women and I’m still learning new tricks.

BRENDON

So what are you writing about?

COACH MCGUIRK

James Bond, well it started out like Moby Dick, but Double Agent John McGuirk is way too cool to be stuck on some whaling boat sausage fest.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 5

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 3

INT. JOHN MCGUIRK’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Coach McGuirk sits on the floor, talking on the phone, his laptop propped up on a box.

COACH MCGUIRK

So, Clara, when will I see you again?

CLARA

You’re still coming to the writing group on Wednesday, right?

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, of course.

CLARA

Great, I’ll see you then.  You’re submitting part of your novel, right?

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, definitely.

CLARA

Great, just email it to me by Friday, so the group has enough time to read it.

COACH MCGUIRK

Friday?  That’s tomorrow.

CLARA

Is that a problem?

COACH MCGUIRK

Not at all, since I already wrote it.

CLARA

Great!  I’ll talk to you tomorrow then.

COACH MCGUIRK

Great.

Clara hangs up the phone and Coach McGuirk sighs heavily.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay, John, you got this.  Just read Moby Dick and copy down the good stuff and change anything you don’t like.  McGuirk it up a little.

Coach McGuirk opens the book Moby Dick, typing in his laptop as he goes.

COACH MCGUIRK

Let’s see here.  Chapter one.  Call me Ishmael.  Well that sucks.  Let’s change that to: Call me Coach McGuirk.  Wait, no.  Call me McGuirk, comma, John McGuirk.  Yeah, like James Bond did it; and look how much action he got.  Moving on.  Some years ago–never mind how precisely–having little or no money in my purse.  Purse?!  No, McGuirk doesn’t own a purse.  When does it get to the part about the boat?

Coach McGuirk flips through the book.

COACH MCGUIRK

Here we go.  The whaling voyage was welcome; the great flood-gates of the wonder-world swung open. Oh, that’s good.  That’ll swing open her flood gates.  I don’t even know what it means, but it’s good.  Let’s see, crap, I keep losing my place.  Here it is.  And in the wild conceits that swayed me to my purpose, two and two there floated into my inmost soul, endless processions of the whale.  Oh, yeah, that’ll get her wet.  She’ll be begging for the endless processions of my whale.  Mid most of them all, one grand hooded phantom – that sounds dope – like a snow hill in the air.  Hmm.  Okay, dial it down, Shakespeare.  We’ll change that to: like my private yacht, which I use to go on whaling expeditions.

Coach McGuirk turns the page.

COACH MCGUIRK

Alright, chapter two.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 4