CREDITS: A McGuirk in Progress
CREDITS: A Documentary by Brendon Small
INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S GARAGE – DAY
Open on montage shots of Steve throughout his life.
V.O.
Born with all odds against him, Steve McGuirk had nothing but himself and his words. A writer unable to write, unable to speak at all because he lives in a jar. His only method of communication is two beeps for yes and one beep for no.
Enter Steve’s assistant holding an alphabet chart with a notepad in his lap.
V.O.
In order to write, Steve’s assistant will point to each letter on an alphabet chart. If Steve responds with one beep, he points to the next letter; two beeps and he writes the letter down. Steve has written five full novels using this tiresome method.
Steve sits alone in the garage.
V.O.
But that was his life back in New York, where accessible facilities and nurses make his work possible. He has decided to take a hiatus to visit his brother John, a soccer coach at the end of his rope.
Enter Coach McGuirk. Brendon is behind the camera.
COACH MCGUIRK
Hey, I told you to keep me out of your stupid documentary, Brendon. I’ve had enough embarrassment in my life.
BRENDON
I can’t just leave you out of the documentary, it’s a documentary, it’s supposed to show the truth. I can’t just make up a new brother for Steve.
COACH MCGUIRK
Ugh, fine, but you better make me look good. I’m a writer, too, you know.
BRENDON
And how did it feel deciding to become a writer knowing the success your brother already had writing?
COACH MCGUIRK
What are you kidding me? It was the most nerve wracking experience of my life. With every word I wrote I could feel the ghost of my mother comparing me to Steve and judging me.
Steve beeps once.
COACH MCGUIRK
I know mother isn’t dead, Steve, but it sure as hell feels that way. I bet she visits you all the time in New York.
Steve beeps twice.
COACH MCGUIRK
And I knew if I failed at writing, it would only fuel her disappointment in me and dad would try to send me back to the textiles factory again. I don’t want to work there, dad, all the kids make fun of my scabs!
BRENDON
This is going to be a great documentary.
Steve beeps twice.
COACH MCGUIRK
You know what? I change my mind. I do want to be in your little documentary. It’s about time people got to hear my side of the story.
BRENDON
Tell us your sad story.
COACH MCGUIRK
I had all the odds against me, Brendon. My parents were against me, the entire school system was against me, they called me names. The principle! Called me names! What kind of person does that?
BRENDON
Are you okay?
COACH MCGUIRK
I’m not an unteachable sack of sausages, you are! I try to make friends but it would always end with me beating them up for their lunch money. It wasn’t the lunch money I wanted, Brendon, it was the attention.
Steve beeps once.
COACH MCGUIRK
Okay fine and I tend to stress eat. And I have a long history of being stressed out, ever since mom left me at the mall for a week and I hid in clothes racks and ate trash.
Coach McGuirk grabs the camera out of Brendon’s hands and holds it up to his face.
BRENDON
Hey, give that back!
COACH MCGUIRK
But I’m here to tell you it gets better, kids. I’m a writer now, I have a girlfriend, and uh I can’t think of a third thing, but my life is awesome now. So never give up on yourselves, okay? Who ever is putting you down, just get in their face and say, I’ll repeat fourth grade a thousand times if I want to, so you can add and subtract the division of my ass cheeks. Mic drop.
Coach McGuirk drops the camera on the ground. Brendon rushes to pick it up.
BRENDON
Hey! My camera!
FADE TO BLACK.
James P. W. Martin 