“Home Movies” Spec Script – “A McGuirk In Progress” – Scene 5

EXT. COACH MCGUIRK’S BACKYARD – DAY

Coach McGuirk walks outside, where the wedding is being set up.  Brendon follows with the camera.

COACH MCGUIRK

You know, I’m actually glad you brought that camera, Brendon.  I might need to use this as evidence in court, depending how things go tonight.  Help me out and I’ll even sign a waiver so you can put me in your little documentary.

BRENDON

You already signed a waiver last night.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?  You mean you had me sign a waiver when I was drunk?

BRENDON

Yeah.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s called taking advantage of someone while they’re drunk, Brendon, and it’s a crime.  My sister Donna is a cop, I should call her over here.

BRENDON

Cool, I’d love to snag an interview with her.

COACH MCGUIRK

You better hope your camera can catch a bullet.  Look, there she is.

Donna notices them and walks over.  She is only moderately smaller in size than Coach McGuirk.

DONNA

Well if it isn’t my little baby bro.  My little punching bag blew up into a full grown punching bag full of lumps.  Get over here.

Donna bear hugs Coach McGuirk and then holds him at arms length.

DONNA

I feel like I’m looking in a mirror, only your breasts are bigger than mine.

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, except I can’t use mine to crush beer cans.

DONNA

I got first place, didn’t I?

BRENDON

I think I’ll take one of those bullets now.

DONNA

And who is this little squirt?  You never told me you had a kid, Johnny.

BRENDON

I’m not a kid, I’m a documentary filmmaker.

COACH MCGUIRK

And he’s not my son, okay?  I know I don’t have great genes, but I think I could do better than that.

BRENDON

Hey!

COACH MCGUIRK

But I do have a girlfriend who I’m in love with and she’s in love with me and I would love for you to meet her once I find her.

DONNA

You’re nervous, huh?  Scared you’re going to McGuirk it up again?

COACH MCGUIRK

I don’t even want to think about that.

DONNA

No I get it, you ruined my wedding and now you’re scared you’re going to ruin someone else’s wedding.

COACH MCGUIRK

Even after you got divorced, mom and dad still never forgave me.

DONNA

I think that has to do with them being in denial that I date chicks now.

COACH MCGUIRK

Look at us.  You, me and Steve — all three of us lady killers.  Don’t tell me you’re a writer, too.

DONNA

No, I just crush little candies on my cell phone all day.  It’s great.

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, I used to have time for that.

DONNA

Oh, let’s take a picture, I’ll go find Steve, you stay right here.

Donna exits frame.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, don’t leave me.  Crap.  Alright, Brendon, be careful and keep and eye out for…

SHIRLEY

My good for nothing son!

Shirley is yelling at a caterer by the buffet.

SHIRLEY

Make sure you don’t let him anywhere near the buffet.

CATERER

But sir, he lives in a jar.

SHIRLEY

Not him.  The blimp in a tux baby-eater.  There he is.

Shirley walks over to Coach McGuirk.

SHIRLEY

This one right here. I’d point at him but I don’t want to get my fingers bit.  Keep him away from the buffet, he can’t be trusted with ham.

COACH MCGUIRK

Dad, you’re embarrassing me.

SHIRLEY

Good.  Being publicly embarrassed is a family tradition.

COACH MCGUIRK

Are you drunk already?

SHIRLEY

I don’t know, are you a disappointment already?

Coach McGuirk sees Clara walking over.

COACH MCGUIRK

Stop putting your shame for being named Shirley on me, dad.  I have a girlfriend now and I won’t have you treat me that way in front of her.

SHIRLEY

Wait, what?

Clara walks over and joins them.

COACH MCGUIRK

Shirley, I mean, dad, this is my girlfriend, Clara.

SHIRLEY

Wow.

COACH MCGUIRK

We’ve been dating for a couple weeks now and I’m pretty sure if someone dared her to date me, it would have come up by now.

SHIRLEY

Oh my God, I can’t believe it.

COACH MCGUIRK

I know, your little baby boy is becoming a man.

SHIRLEY

No, I mean I can’t believe she hasn’t run away screaming yet.  Is she blind?

CLARA

Hey, you’re being really mean.  John is a good man and he took his brother in when he needed him.

SHIRLEY

Sweetheart, it was a trick.  So that this lug would show up to his brother’s wedding in the first place because of last time how he…

COACH MCGUIRK

Dad, don’t.

CLARA

Last time, what?

SHIRLEY

He ruined his sister’s reception after a beautiful ceremony.  He stormed the buffet table and ate everything before anyone else could get there.  Every chicken wing, every scoop of potatoes, every drop of gravy, gone.  At first we thought a gang a raccoons came through, or maybe a bear.  And then we found him.

COACH MCGUIRK

Dad, stop.

SHIRLEY

Then everyone started saying he McGuirked it up, turning my one good name into an insult and a pejorative.  My one good name!

COACH MCGUIRK

It’s been fifteen years, dad.  When are you going to get over it?

Laverne walks over.

LAVERNE

Shirley, John, the ceremony is beginning, come find a seat.

SHIRLEY

I have to go watch my one good son get married.

COACH MCGUIRK

You’re stressing me out, dad.  I get hungry when I’m stressed.

SHIRLEY

You keep your grubby paws off that buffet until your nana gets a pork chop.  Her blood sugar can’t suffer another episode.

CLARA

You can’t speak to John like that.  He may have his faults but we all do.  He’s sweet and he deserves a second chance.

SHIRLEY

He has a sweet tooth and that’s about it.

Shirley exits frame.

COACH MCGUIRK

I guess we should go find our seats.

CLARA

Screw that.  I say we go over to that buffet together and McGuirk the tater tots off of it.

COACH MCGUIRK

What?  No, we can’t do that.  That’s exactly what I’m not supposed to do.  My dad will never forgive me.

CLARA

Oh please.  If after fifteen years he can’t forgive you for stress eating a buffet, it clearly has nothing to do with you and he’s just projecting his own insecurities.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wow, that’s true.  But it’s my brother’s wedding.  He’ll be so upset if I miss it.

CLARA

I’ve been reading his books and if there’s one thing I can tell, it’s that your brother loves you and he’ll understand you did the right thing.

COACH MCGUIRK

I love you.

Coach McGuirk and Clara come together for a kiss.

LAVERNE

There’s the wedding photographer!

Laverne grabs Brendon and drags him away from Coach McGuirk and Clara and towards the wedding.

BRENDON

Ow!  Hey!

LAVERNE

The wedding is about to begin, you need to get into place.

EXT. BACKYARD WEDDING – DAY

LAVERNE

Here.

The camera stops shaking and Brendon has a side-angle view of the wedding, including Steve, the Bride, the Priest, and the whole front row of chairs, including Shirley and Laverne just now sitting down.

PRIEST

The bride and groom have prepared their own vows.  Steve you may go first.

Jamal steps up and reads from a note card.  He clears his throat.

JAMAL

Celine, when I first heard your voice on the Titanic soundtrack, I knew we were meant to be and here we are.  It is true when I say that for you my heart will go on and on because I have tremendous government-funded healthcare.

PRIEST

Celine, you may read your vows.

CELINE

Steve, you are my Jack and I am your Rose.  I’m full throttle on this ship with you with not enough life boats and I don’t care what happens.

PRIEST

If there are no objections, I now pronounce you man and wife.

Celine hugs and kisses Steve while he beeps the tune of “Here Comes The Bride.”

BYSTANDER

Oh my God!  It’s a McGuirk!  They’re McGuirking!

SHIRLEY

What the hell?

Everyone in the first row turns around and the camera turns to show BYSTANDER pointing to something out of frame.  Brendon moves in for a closer shot.

BYSTANDER

I can’t believe it!  It’s a McGuirk!

Laverne and Shirley and everyone get up to see Clara and Coach McGuirk raiding the buffet table.

BYSTANDER

He’s McGuirking it!  This is a McGuirk in progress!

SHIRLEY

I knew this would happen.  Stop that!

CLARA

God I am so full.  Keep on going babe, you can do it!

Clara has stopped eating but Coach McGuirk continues through the buffet pouring entire trays of food into his mouth.

SHIRLEY

You stop that right now!

COACH MCGUIRK

No!  This is all because you were never able to forgive me for stress eating Steve in the womb!  I’m sorry, Steve!  I’m also sorry to you, Celine Dion, I didn’t even know you were here.  But I’m really sorry to you Steve!  I tried to devour you before you were even born and now I’m devouring everything in front of me and I ruined your wedding.

SHIRLEY

That’s for sure.  And what about Donna?  You McGuirked her wedding and it resulted in her divorce three months later.

DONNA

No, dad, you keep refusing to hear me when I tell you I’m gay.

SHIRLEY

Yes, Donna, we’re all very happy.

JAMAL

Wait!  Steve has something to say!

Jamal pushes Steve over and he begins to beep a series of beeps.

JAMAL

Steve says John did nothing wrong.  He McGuirked tonight as I knew he would because my parents stress him out and I’ve known he was a stress-eater since we shared a womb.

COACH MCGUIRK

I can’t help it!  I get so hungry when I’m stressed.

JAMAL

Steve says this has to end.  He has forgiven John for all McGuirks past and McGuirks in progress and our father should as well.

SHIRLEY

Oh my God, you’re right.  In all my anger, I never thought of how I was hurting my family.  Steve, Donna, Johnny… Everyone get in for a hug!

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, I’ll be right there once I finish these pork chops.

FADE TO BLACK.

CREDITS.

AS CREDITS ROLL:

EXT. BACKYARD WEDDING – DAY

Paula shows up in a wedding dress holding a bouquet of white roses.

PAULA

Steve?  Steve where are you?

BRENDON

Mom, what are you doing here?

PAULA

Brendon, have you seen Steve?

BRENDON

Yeah he’s over there.

Brendon points the camera to Steve and Celine Dion making out and back to Paula.

PAULA

Oh crap, he married Celine Dion?

Paula drops the white roses.

PAULA (Continued)

I should probably get changed.

FADE TO BLACK.

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“Home Movies” Spec Script – “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 4

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S BEDROOM – DAY

Coach McGuirk has changed into a suit and is fixing his bow tie in the mirror.

COACH MCGUIRK

God, I am so annoyed that this fits perfectly.  And why the hell did they give me a bow tie?  I look like a waiter!

Coach McGuirk turns around and notices Brendon.

COACH MCGUIRK

Dammit, Brendon, I told you to stop filming me.

BRENDON

I can’t stop now, it’s just starting to get good.  Besides, they told me to get out of the way while they set up.

COACH MCGUIRK

Set up?

Coach McGuirk looks out the window and sees people setting up rows of chairs.

COACH MCGUIRK

This can’t be happening.  I literally can’t escape.  This is worse than being at the textiles factory.

They hear the front door slam shut.

LAVERNE

Johnny?  Where are you poopsikins?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh my God, that’s mother.  Hide me, Brendon, quick!

Coach McGuirk tries fitting under the bed.  Brendon sets down the camera and tries to push him.

BRENDON

I’m trying, you don’t fit.

LAVERNE

(getting closer)

Johnny?  Where’s mamma’s little marshmallow?

COACH MCGUIRK

This isn’t going to work, Brendon, pull me back out.

Brendon yanks on Couch McGuirk’s suit.

BRENDON

I can’t, you’re stuck.

LAVERNE

(closer)

Johnny?!  Mommy missed you!

COACH MCGUIRK

This is a nightmare!  I gotta get out of here!

Brendon picks up the camera.  Coach McGuirk claws his way out from under the bed and darts for the closet by the door.  Just then, Laverne sticks her head through the doorway.

LAVERNE

Where’s Johnny?!!

Coach McGuirks falls backward into the closet and screams at the top of his lungs.  He tries to get away but he’s stuck in the closet.  Laverne is dressed up with a big fluffy feather boa.

LAVERNE

Dawww!  Aren’t you adorable in your wittle outfit!  Get out here so mommy can get a good look.

COACH MCGUIRK

I can’t!

LAVERNE

Oh, is my Johnnyboy stuckie-wuckie again?  Dawww.  You better unstuck yourself before you father walks in.  You know he will call the fire department.

Coach McGuirk strains and falls out of the closet onto the floor and stands up.

COACH MCGUIRK

He does love getting a crowd together to laugh at me.

LAVERNE

Au contraire, Johnny.  This is your last chance to redeem yourself in the eyes of your father.  When he gets here, you will respect him and you will sit silently while your brother gets married.  And don’t McGuirk anything up this time!  Your father will not suffer another embarrassment to his name; but he’s willing to forgive you – if you don’t mess up.

COACH MCGUIRK

Papa?  I mean, yes, mother.  Anything you say, mother.  Can I get you a drink, mommy?

Laverne slaps Coach McGurik in the face.

LAVERNE

I had three gins in the car.  What, are you trying to get your mother drunk?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, mommy.

LAVERNE

I need to sober up for the wedding.  Get me a peach schnapps on the rocks.

Coach McGuirk runs out of the room.

LAVERNE

And who is this handsome photographer?  You look like a young Fredrick Scott Archer, hunny.

BRENDON

How old are you?

LAVERNE

Nevermind that.  Stand your tiny little self on that bed over there.  I refuse to be filmed from a low angle.

Brendon stands on the bed.

LAVERNE

There.  I’m ready for my close-up Mr. Demille.  You better zoom in closer, I’m too big for those tiny pictures.

Coach McGuirk returns with a mug for Laverne.

COACH MCGUIRK

Here, mommy.

LAVERNE

A coffee mug?  Are you kidding me?

COACH MCGUIRK

It’s all I have.

LAVERNE

You’re going to have to do better than that when your father gets here.

The door slams shut.

SHIRLEY

Laverne!  Where are you?

LAVERNE

That’s him.  I’m in here, Shirley!

BRENDON

Wait, your name is Laverne and his name is Shirley?

SHIRLEY, a large grey-haired man, enters the room.

SHIRLEY

We got married before that show ever came out!  As if a man named Shirley doesn’t have enough problems to deal with.  What’s that camera?  Why are you filming me?

LAVERNE

Obviously, he’s the wedding photographer.  And, if you don’t mind, he was just in the middle of capturing my beauty.

SHIRLEY

Isn’t that the same thing that happened when that sea witch gave you legs?

LAVERNE

Shirley you can come up with a better retort than that.

SHIRLEY

You know I hate it when people use my name in a sentence!

LAVERNE

And I hate when you bring up my past.  Focus!  Your son is here.

SHIRLEY

Don’t you think I know that?  My only son is getting married, it’s the most important day of my life.

LAVERNE

Not him.  The other one.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hi, papa.

Coach McGuirk moves in for a hug.  Shirley denies him and refuses to look at him.

SHIRLEY

No.  If you manage to not completely disappoint me today, I will give you a brief moment of eye contact and that is all.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh my God, yes, thank you.

SHIRLEY

I gave my sons men’s names!  Steve and John!  And only one has lived up to that name.

Jamal enters the room.

JAMAL

Oh, great, the family is all here.  Why don’t ya’ll follow me and we’ll do a quick run-through.

SHIRLEY

What about Donna?

JAMAL

She’s already here, she’s right out back.

Laverne and Shirley follow Jamal out of the room.

SHIRLEY

At least I can count on two of my children.

COACH MCGUIRK

Help me, Brendon, please!  Call Child Protective Services!

BRENDON

No!  Look, your parents are a lot to handle, I get that, but they seem harmless to me.

COACH MCGUIRK

Harmless?  Do you see how they treat me?

BRENDON

I see how everyone treats you.  The teachers at school, the students, all the other teams we face and their coaches, everyone rips on you, how is this any different?

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, the teachers make fun of me, too?

BRENDON

Of course they do.  Now quit it with the sob story, I already got enough footage of that.

COACH MCGUIRK

What ever happens to me out there, Brendon, it’s on you.  I will destroy your documentary if you make me.  I never told my parents the truth of what you’re doing and I will sell you out so fast.

BRENDON

Okay, fine.  If things really start looking rough, I’ll help you, but right now you need to do that thing where you pretend to be an adult.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay, fine!  Let’s go, Brendon, and stay close to me.  I may need to use you as a human shield.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “A McGuirk In Progress” – Scene 5

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 3

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S GARAGE – DAY

Brendon walks in and sees Steve and Jamal.

BRENDON

Oh, hello there.

JAMAL

Oh, hi!  I’m Jamal, Steve’s caretaker and assistant.

BRENDON

Oh wow, really?  I should probably interview you for my documentary.

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S GARAGE – DAY

The shot is set up confessional style, Jamal seated.

JAMAL

I’ve been working with Steve since his first novel and I’ve been on this crazy journey ever since.  It’s a pretty big change for Steve to visit his brother, but he was adamant that John attend his wedding.

BRENDON

Wait, Steve’s getting married?  Coach never told me that.

JAMAL

There was always a contentious sibling rivalry between John and Steve.  Steve really goes into detail about in his first autobiography titled, Is That A Pickle In That Jar?

BRENDON

Are you serious?  I have to read this.

JAMAL

Steve actually has a great sense of humor about his condition, which provides a unique perspective on dealing with hardship.

BRENDON

What do you think about his brother, John?

JAMAL

Well, I know that John struggled to maintain his weight, a job, a relationship.  It’s all kind of a sad tale, but given his brother lives in a jar, it’s easy to keep it in perspective.

Coach McGuirk barges in.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hey, I heard that!  You know, I’ve been dealing with people like you my whole life.  I wish I lived in a jar!  It would protect me from all of you and I’d have healthcare!

Coach McGuirk walks up to Steve.

COACH MCGUIRK

How could you do this to me Steve?  How could you call mom and dad behind my back?

Steve beeps a few times.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, get off your high horse, Steve.  You were always the favorite child and you know it!

Steve beeps a few more times.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, it’s so easy for you, isn’t it, Steve?  Your jar is on the outside so nothing can touch you, but my jar is in here.

Coach McGuirk points to his chest.

COACH MCGUIRK

My jar is deep under the surface and all my emotions are bottled up inside and no one can get in.

JAMAL

How much glass did you eat at the textiles factory?  A whole jar?  God damn!

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, what did you tell people about me, Steve?

JAMAL

He’s written five novels, John.  Have you never read your brother’s work?

COACH MCGUIRK

What I was actually supposed to read it?  I thought just saying you read something and that it was great was the polite thing to do.  That’s what I would have wanted.

Jamal hands a book to Coach McGuirk.

JAMAL

Here, take a look for yourself.

Coach McGuirk opens the book.

COACH MCGUIRK

Per – pre – prek…

Jamal reads over Coach McGuirks shoulder.

JAMAL

Precipitation.

COACH MCGUIRK

You read it!

Coach McGuirk gives the book back to Jamal and he reads from it.

JAMAL

Precipitation began to form on the inside of all the car windows, like a salty sauna.  My brother John was radiating sweat from terror, as they drove him back to the factory, the worst of which I was spared, given my jar was all fogged up from his panic.  All I could do was beep.  So I just kept beeping.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay, stop reading!  What part of I’m moving to a new town and repressing the last forty years do you not understand, Steve?

Steve beeps a few times.

COACH MCGUIRK

I know that, Steve, I really appreciate you’re getting married before me, but could your wedding not destroy my life?  I finally have something good going for myself here.

Coach McGuirk starts crying.

COACH MCGUIRK

We’re the same, Steve.  We’re both writers and we both have women in our lives who we’re in love with.  You can’t ruin this for me!

There’s a knock at the door.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, no, that’s them, I know it!

BRENDON

Coach, you know I’m filming all of this, right?  You’re really embarrassing yourself.

JAMAL

Yeah, John, relax.  They shouldn’t be here yet.

Brendon leaves the room to check the door, sees CLARA at the door and then goes back to the garage.

BRENDON

Actually, Coach, I think it’s your girlfriend.

COACH MCGUIRK

No, she can’t see me like this.

BRENDON

Well, she’s standing at the door, so what should I do?  I can shoo her off for you after I get her to sign a waiver.

COACH MCGUIRK

Sign a waiver, what are you talking about?

BRENDON

Well, yeah, so she can be in my documentary.

COACH MCGUIRK

Forget it with the documentary!

BRENDON

I’m liable to legal action if I show her face without permission!

COACH MCGUIRK

Well then blur it out or something!

BRENDON

That would infringe the integrity of my documentary!

COACH MCGUIRK

She was only in it for a second!

There’s a knock again at the door.

COACH MCGUIRK

Forget it, I’ll answer.

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S KITCHEN – DAY

Coach McGuirk opens the door.  Brendon follows with the camera.

CLARA

Darling!  I’m so excited for today!

COACH MCGUIRK

Clara, the love of my life, what are you doing here?  And why are you so dressed up.

CLARA

I’m here for the wedding, silly.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wedding?  That’s today?

CLARA

Yeah, Jamal called and told me, I assumed you knew.

COACH MCGUIRK

Jamal?  Why didn’t you tell me?

JAMAL

Steve said we had to spring it on you all at once.  He knew you’d try to flee if you knew in advance.

COACH MCGUIRK

Steve!?

JAMAL

Here’s your suit, John, go put it on and everything will be okay.

Jamal hands Coach McGuirk an over-sized suit.

COACH MCGUIRK

Is it even tailored to my size?

JAMAL

I just got the largest possible option for everything, it should be fine.

CLARA

Yeah, babe, it’s your brother’s wedding, it’s going to be beautiful.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay.  I’m fine.  This is fine.  Everything happening here is completely normal.  I’m not going to climb out the window.  This is great.

Steve beeps twice.

JAMAL

Great.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 4

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 2

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S KITCHEN

Brendon looks into the camera lens.  Piano music playing.

BRENDON

Well thank God it isn’t broken.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t thank God, Brendon, thank me for not dropping it too hard.  You’re welcome.

BRENDON

I can’t believe you would do that.  You have no respect.  I can’t just buy another camera.

COACH MCGUIRK

You’re right, I’m sorry.  I really respect you, Brendon.  I’m glad you never told me the music you like.  I’m really enjoying this respect we share.

BRENDON

I like Coldplay.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh God, why did you have to say that?  You’re not going to put piano music over me speaking are you?

Piano music stops playing.

BRENDON

Um, no.

COACH MCGUIRK

I can’t take that risk.  Give me the camera, Brendon.

BRENDON

No!  Get away from me!

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m taking control of this documentary!

BRENDON

Actually, Steve and I had a different idea.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?  You two schemed behind my back?  This is fourth grade all over again.

BRENDON

Which time through fourth grade?

COACH MCGUIRK

What?  Every time.  Stop asking stupid questions and tell me what you’re up to.

BRENDON

Alright.  I talked to Steve’s assistant and got a hold of your parents.  They’re on their way over here now.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?  This documentary was going to be about how I’m an awesome writer.  How could you do this to me, Brendon?  You have no idea how they treat me.

BRENDON

I just think it would be best if the four of you work this out.

COACH MCGUIRK

Best for who?

BRENDON

For the documentary.

COACH MCGUIRK

And who’s going to rescue me from the textiles factory this time, Brendon?  Huh?  Child Protective Services won’t help me anymore.

BRENDON

You’re not a child any more, Coach.  You can handle this.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s what they tell me!  And I say, well then someone needs to tell my parents that, because they…

There’s a knock on the door.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh God, that’s them!  This isn’t happening!  I can’t handle this.  I’m jumping out the kitchen window.

Coach McGuirk opens the kitchen window.

BRENDON

Chill out, it’s not you’re parents.

COACH MCGUIRK

Who is it, then?

Brendon opens the door.  Paula walks in.

PAULA

Hey, guys, how’s the documentary going?

BRENDON

Mom, what are you doing here?

PAULA

I brought some snacks for the production crew.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, can I have some?

PAULA

Of course, silly.

COACH MCGUIRK

Sweet.

Paula hands the snacks to Coach McGuirk and he starts eating.

PAULA

Go on and McGuirk it up.

BRENDON

What’s that mean?  McGuirk it up.

PAULA

Oh, it’s just this thing we used to say about John in high school.  Anyway, where’s Steve?  I thought I’d say hello while I’m here.

BRENDON

Oh, no you don’t, mom.  You’re not going to ruin my documentary by trying to engage in sex with my subject.

PAULA

Watch it, Brendon!  Steve doesn’t have sex in the typical fashion.  Steve is the kind of man who makes emotional love.

BRENDON

Oh my God, and you’re not doing that either!

Brendon shoos his mother to the door.

BRENDON

That’s all we need from you, Mom.  Thanks for the snacks, we’ll see you at the wrap party.  Oh, wait, there is no wrap party, so I guess we won’t see you.  Bye.

PAULA

Hey, wait!

Brendon closes the door.

BRENDON

Yeesh.  Moms, am I right, Coach?

Coach McGuirk is stuffing his face with the last of the chips and snacks.  He drops the empty garbage on the ground when he’s done with it.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh wait, your mom can help me with my parents.  She can save me when they try to send me to the textiles factory.

BRENDON

Relax, Coach.  No one is going to send you away.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh yeah?  Well, when they do, I’m taking you with me.  Last time the factory had closed down and they still locked me in there.  It was cold so my dad said, if you’re shivering so much, why don’t you knit yourself a sweater?  Because I’m a child!

BRENDON

Alright, I know you’d love for this documentary to be all about you, but I’m here to get to know Steve, your brother.  Can you do this for your brother?

COACH MCGUIRK

He can’t save me.  All he can do is beep a bunch of times.  It sounds like an alarm but it translates to no no no no no no no.

BRENDON

Alright, I’m going back to the garage to talk to Steve.

COACH MCGUIRK

No, Brendon, come back!

Brendon opens the door and leaves.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 3

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 1

CREDITS: A McGuirk in Progress

CREDITS: A Documentary by Brendon Small

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S GARAGE – DAY

Open on montage shots of Steve throughout his life.

V.O.

Born with all odds against him, Steve McGuirk had nothing but himself and his words.  A writer unable to write, unable to speak at all because he lives in a jar.  His only method of communication is two beeps for yes and one beep for no.

Enter Steve’s assistant holding an alphabet chart with a notepad in his lap.

V.O.

In order to write, Steve’s assistant will point to each letter on an alphabet chart.  If Steve responds with one beep, he points to the next letter; two beeps and he writes the letter down.  Steve has written five full novels using this tiresome method.

Steve sits alone in the garage.

V.O.

But that was his life back in New York, where accessible facilities and nurses make his work possible.  He has decided to take a hiatus to visit his brother John, a soccer coach at the end of his rope.

Enter Coach McGuirk.  Brendon is behind the camera.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hey, I told you to keep me out of your stupid documentary, Brendon.  I’ve had enough embarrassment in my life.

BRENDON

I can’t just leave you out of the documentary, it’s a documentary, it’s supposed to show the truth.  I can’t just make up a new brother for Steve.

COACH MCGUIRK

Ugh, fine, but you better make me look good.  I’m a writer, too, you know.

BRENDON

And how did it feel deciding to become a writer knowing the success your brother already had writing?

COACH MCGUIRK

What are you kidding me?  It was the most nerve wracking experience of my life.  With every word I wrote I could feel the ghost of my mother comparing me to Steve and judging me.

Steve beeps once.

COACH MCGUIRK

I know mother isn’t dead, Steve, but it sure as hell feels that way.  I bet she visits you all the time in New York.

Steve beeps twice.

COACH MCGUIRK

And I knew if I failed at writing, it would only fuel her disappointment in me and dad would try to send me back to the textiles factory again.  I don’t want to work there, dad, all the kids make fun of my scabs!

BRENDON

This is going to be a great documentary.

Steve beeps twice.

COACH MCGUIRK

You know what?  I change my mind.  I do want to be in your little documentary.  It’s about time people got to hear my side of the story.

BRENDON

Tell us your sad story.

COACH MCGUIRK

I had all the odds against me, Brendon.  My parents were against me, the entire school system was against me, they called me names.  The principle!  Called me names!  What kind of person does that?

BRENDON

Are you okay?

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m not an unteachable sack of sausages, you are!  I try to make friends but it would always end with me beating them up for their lunch money.  It wasn’t the lunch money I wanted, Brendon, it was the attention.

Steve beeps once.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay fine and I tend to stress eat.  And I have a long history of being stressed out, ever since mom left me at the mall for a week and I hid in clothes racks and ate trash.

Coach McGuirk grabs the camera out of Brendon’s hands and holds it up to his face.

BRENDON

Hey, give that back!

COACH MCGUIRK

But I’m here to tell you it gets better, kids.  I’m a writer now, I have a girlfriend, and uh I can’t think of a third thing, but my life is awesome now.  So never give up on yourselves, okay?  Who ever is putting you down, just get in their face and say, I’ll repeat fourth grade a thousand times if I want to, so you can add and subtract the division of my ass cheeks.  Mic drop.

Coach McGuirk drops the camera on the ground.  Brendon rushes to pick it up.

BRENDON

Hey!  My camera!

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 2

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Field of Creams” – Scene 5

EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon walks to the bench where Coach McGuirk is putting soccer balls into a bag.

BRENDON

Wow, I can’t remember the last time we actually won a game.

COACH MCGUIRK

Thank you, Brendon.  As your coach…

BRENDON

Oh no, you didn’t do anything.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh.

BRENDON

Well I guess your complete lack of guidance forced me to think on my feet which made me a better person.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

BRENDON

That’s sad.

COACH MCGUIRK

I live a sad life, Brendon.

BRENDON

I don’t know, have some perspective, your brother lives in a jar.  I don’t hear him complaining.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, who are you?  My parents?  Just because I don’t live in a jar doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings, okay mom?

BRENDON

Geez, you know my mom said she went to high school with you and Steve.

COACH MCGUIRK

Emphasis on Steve.  They were all part of the popular group while I made something of myself on the soccer team.

BRENDON

You used to play soccer?

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, well I mean, I was on the soccer team and someone had to wash all those jockstraps.

BRENDON

Coach, what’s a jockstrap?

COACH MCGUIRK

It’s a hallmark of soccer and a necessity of safety.

BRENDON

I thought you told me you worked in a textiles factory at thirteen.

COACH MCGUIRK

Angels come in all shapes and sizes, Brendon.  My angel goes by the name Child Protective Services.

BRENDON

I caught my mom having sex with someone yesterday.

COACH MCGUIRK

What, really?  Should I call my angel for you?

BRENDON

No.

COACH MCGUIRK

I guess it’s been years since your father left.

BRENDON

I’m pretty sure she wants to have sex with your brother next.  I don’t know what’s gotten into her.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s just the charisma of Steve, Brendon.  All the ladies love him and I’ll never get it.  You join sports teams to try to get noticed, you drive Steve to all the parties, you peel your scabs from the textiles factory, and you should just feel lucky that you get to wash the jockstraps.

BRENDON

Why not try for something more?

COACH MCGUIRK

But then who would wash the jockstraps, Brendon?  No, this is where I belong.  On this field.  You know, something you said today really stuck with me, that all losers are just winners waiting to win.  I sincerely feel that way having finally won something, Brendon.  It doesn’t matter how many games we get creamed, every morning I return to this field and feel like a winner.

BRENDON

So to keep winning, I’m thinking we create motivational posters about how sad your life is.  What do you think of this: Don’t be like McGuirk, get to work.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t be a jerk.

BRENDON

If life is hard to approach, just look at our coach.

COACH MCGUIRK

Stop it you little roach.

BRENDON

Get out of the kitchen or become a Mini Michelin.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay that one was funny.

FADE TO BLACK.

CREDITS.

Continue to Episode 4: “A McGuirk in Progress”

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Field of Creams” – Scene 4

EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon walks to the field.

COACH MCGUIRK

Psst!  Over here!

Coach McGuirk is hiding behind the bleachers.  Brendon walks over to him.

BRENDON

Coach?  What are you doing back there?

COACH MCGUIRK

What are you doing, Brendon?  You were supposed to be here already.  You said you would help me coach.

BRENDON

Oh, that was today?

COACH MCGUIRK

Yes today!  I need to win a soccer game.  Today is the soccer game.  We need to win, Brendon.

BRENDON

Our team doesn’t look prepared.

COACH MCGUIRK

They’re not.

BRENDON

I mean it doesn’t even look like they’ve warmed up.

COACH MCGUIRK

They haven’t

BRENDON

Well why not?

COACH MCGUIRK

Because they’re waiting for you to get out there and coach them.

BRENDON

Okay fine, geez.

Brendon turns to leave.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh and Brendon, don’t be upset if I try to take credit for you coaching.

BRENDON

Alright, fine.

COACH MCGUIRK

And don’t be upset if I take my shirt off.

BRENDON

Wait, what?

COACH MCGUIRK

Go, Brendon, get out there.

Brendon walks to the field and stands on the bench in front of his teammates.

BRENDON

Alright everyone, listen up!

MELISSA

What, Brendon?  We’re all right here, you don’t have to yell.

BRENDON

Sorry, I’ve just never done this before.

MELISSA

Done what?

BRENDON

Ahem, teammates, fellow patriots, are not all losers just winners waiting to win?

MELISSA

What are you doing, Brendon?

BRENDON

I’m giving an inspirational speech to help motivate you.

MELISSA

It isn’t working.

BRENDON

It’s not?

MELISSA

No.  You can’t just drone on in platitudes and expect it to affect anyone.  You have actually reach people in a way that affects their lives.

BRENDON

Okay, so how do I do that?

MELISSA

I don’t know, why don’t you think of things that motivate you to be a better person.

BRENDON

Hmmm.  Oh, I know!

Brendon runs back behind the bleachers.

COACH MCGUIRK

What are you doing over here, Brendon?  The team looks less prepared than before.

BRENDON

Just roll with it and come with me.

COACH MCGUIRK

Ugh, fine.

Brendon drags Coach McGuirk to the field and stands on the bench next to him.

BRENDON

Everyone, look at Coach McGuirk.

COACH MCGUIRK

This is stupid, Brendon.  I told you I don’t want to coach.

BRENDON

Look how pathetic he is.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?

BRENDON

Ask yourself, is Coach McGuirk the kind of person you want to be.  He’s like a six-foot Pillsbury Doughboy.

COACH MCGUIRK

It’s muscle, I swear.

BRENDON

He’s in and out of prison so much they probably think he works there.  What about you, Perry, do you want to grow up to be like Coach McGuirk?

PERRY

No way!

BRENDON

That’s right, no way!  He can eat an entire ham but he can’t spell the word.

COACH MCGUIRK

It’s two ‘M’s right?

BRENDON

If you want to be like Coach McGuirk you can just keep losing.  Everyone else, let me hear you!

The whole team cheers and gets ready to play.  Mandy walks over.

MANDY

Wow Coach, you really got them riled up.  That’s the Mini Michelin I know and love.  You had me worried there for a minute.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s right, team, let’s get out there and show them what we’re made of!

Mandy walks away.

COACH MCGUIRK

God I hate my life.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Field of Creams” – Scene 5

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Field of Creams” – Scene 3

INT. BRENDON’S HOUSE – DAY

Brendon walks in and heads for the basement before he hears a sound a follows it up the stairs.

VOICE

Oh my God!  Oh my God!

INT. PAULA’S ROOM – DAY

Brendon opens the door.

BRENDON

Mom?

PAULA

Oh my God, Brendon, how many times have I told you to knock?

Covered in sheets, Paula jumps out of bed to the closet and starts throwing on clothes.

BRENDON

Mom!  What are you doing?

PAULA

Leave and close the door, Brendon.  Why are you still in here?

BRENDON

Who is that?

TONY

Hey kid, I’m Tony.

Tony is sitting in bed, a blanket covering his lower half.

PAULA

Christ, Tony, why are you talking to my son naked?

TONY

He needs to learn the truth, Paula.

PAULA

Why?

BRENDON

What is happening?

TONY

Brendon, I’m in love with your mother.

PAULA

Really?  You decide to say that now?

BRENDON

I’m so confused.

TONY

I know you’re probably feeling a lot of strange emotions right now.

PAULA

Oh my God, why are you still talking to my son naked?

TONY

Honestly Paula, I just met your kid and I thought he could handle it.

PAULA

Look at him, he clearly can’t.

TONY

I can see that now.

Paula returns fully clothed and kneels down to comfort Brendon.  Tony puts on a shirt.

PAULA

What is it, Brendon?  Are you okay?

BRENDON

No mom, I’m not okay.

TONY

I’m sorry, Brendon, you’ll probably be confused for the rest of your life.

BRENDON

I hate to disappoint you, but this is not the most scarring thing I’ve seen today.

PAULA AND TONY

It’s not?

BRENDON

Mom, have you ever met Steve?

PAULA

Steve?  You can’t possibly mean Steven McGuirk?

BRENDON

Wait, you’ve met him?

PAULA

Met him?  I was his girlfriend for two months in senior year.  The best two months of my life.

Tony now fully clothed gets out of bed.

TONY

Wait, who is this Steve?

PAULA

Only the most popular guy in school.

TONY

Should I feel threatened right now?

PAULA

Don’t worry, he broke up with me.  I never really had a chance with him.  Those looks and that intellect.

TONY

You just told me not to be worried.  Now I’m worried.

BRENDON

Did I ever have a Steve?

PAULA

Oh sweetie, you know I tell you you’re special all the time, but you’re not that special.

BRENDON

Gee, thanks, mom.

PAULA

Steve is a miracle and an accomplished author and the singular inspiration of my life.

TONY

I’m not feeling any less insecure over here.

BRENDON

Wow, he’s an author, too?

PAULA

He had a full scholarship to Harvard while I only got into state school, where I settled for your father.  I’m sure he wouldn’t even remember me.

BRENDON

Well I hope it’s not weird that I’m making a documentary about him.

PAULA

Wait, Steven is back in town?  I thought he had a loft in Manhattan.

BRENDON

Yeah, I guess he’s staying with Coach or something.

PAULA

Oh, wow.  Do you need a ride over there, Brendon?  How does my hair look?

TONY

I just said I love you.  Does that mean nothing to you?

BRENDON

No, mom.

PAULA

Where does your coach live again, it couldn’t hurt to say hello to an old friend.

TONY

Oh, so is that who you were thinking about when you wouldn’t look at me?

BRENDON

Mom, I learned a lot today about what grown-ups like to do, but I’m not going to help you do those things with more grown-ups.

PAULA

Got it.

Brendon walks out.

TONY

That kid is going to be messed up for life.

PAULA

I know.

TONY

I mean sexually.

PAULA

Oh God, I know.

TONY

Like whips and chains and probably some mommy diaper stuff.

PAULA

I think you should leave.

TONY

Yeah, okay.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Field of Creams” – Scene 4

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Field of Creams” – Scene 2

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY

Brendon stands at the curb waiting for his mom to pick him up.  Coach McGuirk pulls up in his car.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hey, Brendon, let me give you a ride home.

BRENDON

Not if you make me pay for gas like last time.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t worry, buddy, this one’s on me.

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S CAR – DAY

Brendon gets in the car.

BRENDON

Cool, can I pick the radio station?

COACH MCGUIRK

No you can’t, Brendon.  Even if I had a working radio, I think I would respect you more not knowing the kind of music you listen to.  And I need that respect, Brendon, do you hear me?

BRENDON

Yeah.

COACH MCGUIRK

I know I’m good at hiding it, but that new soccer coach is really getting on my nerves.  I need you to get all your little friends together and make them all play well for just one game.

BRENDON

You mean coach them?

COACH MCGUIRK

More or less.

BRENDON

But aren’t you the coach?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh I know!  Oh wait, I’m actually all out of expired frozen yogurt coupons.

BRENDON

You know what, Coach, I don’t know what you’re offering, but I pass.  I just got done writing for you and being your prostitute.

COACH MCGUIRK

What did I tell you about using that word around me?

BRENDON

It’s time that I focus on what I want.  This time when I sell myself, it’s gonna be to me.

COACH MCGUIRK

And what is it that you want, Brendon?

BRENDON

I want to make an independent documentary that takes the festival circuit by storm.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, well then, I just may have the perfect subject matter for your little documentary.

BRENDON

Really?

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S GARAGE – DAY

The garage door opens to reveal Coach McGuirk and Brendon on the other side.

BRENDON

Whoa, what is that?

COACH MCGUIRK

Brendon, that’s my twin brother, Steve.

In front of them is a glowing tank with a deformed fetus-looking person inside.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t be rude, Brendon, say hello.

BRENDON

Is he alive?

COACH MCGUIRK

Yes he’s alive and he has better health insurance than I’ll ever have.  Sometimes one twin will try to devour the other twin in the womb.  I was only half successful in that process.  Anyway, being the dominant twin, it turns out, doesn’t come with government-mandated healthcare.

BRENDON

Hey, Steve.  Does Steve ever talk back?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, he just kinda floats in there.  I tell him jokes and you can tell he’s laughing because he really starts bobbing around.

Steve beeps once.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, yeah, and he beeps once for no, two for yes.

BRENDON

Will Steve let me make a documentary about him?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh yeah, Steve was always the center of attention in our house growing up.  It was always Steve this, Steve that.  Steve’s so amazing, why can’t you be more like Steve?  Because I’m my own person, okay, Mom!

BRENDON

Whoa.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m sorry.  It was just always stiff competition growing up in Steve’s shadow.

BRENDON

Alright fine, I’ll help you, Coach.  Now will you take me home?  I need to ask my mom if I ever had a Steve.

COACH MCGUIRK

There are no other Steves, Brendon.  Steve is the only Steve.

BRENDON

He’s one lucky guy.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh crap, Brendon, I’m out of gas.  Throw me a five and I’ll get you home.

BRENDON

I can walk from here.

COACH MCGUIRK

Great.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Field of Creams” – Scene 3

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Field of Creams” – Scene 1

EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon approaches the bench where Coach McGuirk is typing on a laptop.  A soccer game is in progress.

BRENDON

Coach, we’re getting creamed out there.

COACH MCGUIRK

This isn’t news to me, Brendon, you get creamed every game.

BRENDON

So shouldn’t you try to give us some motivation instead of just sitting there?

COACH MCGUIRK

If my silent disapproval doesn’t motivate you, nothing will.

BRENDON

Nothing is what you’re already doing.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m writing, Brendon.  I’m a writer now.  Writers don’t waste time with motivation or deep thinking, it’s all on the surface.

BRENDON

I guess you don’t care if we lose then.

COACH MCGUIRK

No one cares if you lose, Brendon, they only care that you play.  I learned that writing; people don’t want to read anything that makes them think.  Thinking hurts, Brendon, people don’t like to do it.  Just write a corny love story and the masses will love you for it.

BRENDON

You want me to write a love story?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, I want you to get on the field and stop thinking about it.  And stop looking so terrified when the ball comes near you, the other kids can sense it.

BRENDON

It’s probably because their coach is so involved in the game.  Look how intense she is.

COACH MCGUIRK

Dammit, Brendon, you made me make eye contact.  Is she walking over here?

BRENDON

Yeah, she’s headed right for you.

COACH MCGUIRK

Crap, I don’t have time for this.

MANDY

What’s the hold up over here?  Who let this homeless guy on the field?

BRENDON

He’s not homeless, that’s our coach.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m a writer, thank you very much.

MANDY

Wait a minute.  John?  John McGuirk, is that you?

COACH MCGUIRK

Uhh, yeah.  And you are?

MANDY

It’s me, Mandy, from summer camp all those years ago.  I remember I had the biggest crush on you back then.

COACH MCGUIRK

You see Brendon, being a writer gets all the ladies riled up, I can hardly claw ’em off me.  I’m sorry, Miss, but I’m currently in a relationship.  I would say take a number, but I don’t have one of those number machines.  Maybe I should invest in one.

MANDY

Oh I don’t mean to give you the wrong impression.  It was actually you who made me realize I was gay.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?

MANDY

I realized that I was attracted to how round and supple your chest was, and I realized I liked boobs.

COACH MCGUIRK

Is that a fat joke?

MANDY

Oh, I don’t mean to be crude, I remember you were sensitive about your weight.  Oh, and the kids used to call you Mini Michelin cause it looked like a stack of tires when you took your shirt off.

BRENDON

Some things never change.

COACH MCGUIRK

This isn’t helping.

MANDY

Well, I just wanted to tell you that you were an inspiration to my life.

BRENDON

I wish he could be an inspiration to any of us.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hey, I’m a good coach.

MANDY

I have to agree with the kid, John.  From what I see, you have the motivational skills of a dead fish.

COACH MCGUIRK

Truth be told, I’m not really a coach.  I’m a writer.

MANDY

Really?  Do you have anything published?

COACH MCGUIRK

Well, no.  I’m not making money as a writer yet, which is why I still need the coaching job.

MANDY

So truth be told, you’re not really a writer.  You’re a coach, coach.

COACH MCGUIRK

How dare you.  Just for that, I’m writing you into my story and you’re not gonna like how I portray you.

MANDY

Are you going to keep in the part where I’m a way better coach than you?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, marshmallow lava is way too quick of a death for you.

MANDY

No you’re right, it would be too hard for you to portray a decent coach, since you have no idea what it’s like to be one.

COACH MCGUIRK

You’d love for me to prove you wrong, wouldn’t you?  I’m not falling for it.

BRENDON

(to Mandy)

Can you just be our coach, too?

COACH MCGUIRK

Dammit, Brendon, stay out of this.

MANDY

No he’s right.  I’ll coach both teams and you sit there and take notes on what a coach is supposed to do.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s it!  I’ll show you what a coach is supposed to do.

Coach McGuirk slams his fists on the table and stands up.

COACH MCGUIRK

Brendon, get on the field!  Melissa, why are your shoes off?

MELISSA

Because I like how the grass feels on my toes.

COACH MCGUIRK

Put your shoes back on!  Why is no one in the goal?  Walter, get in the goal!

WALTER

Only if Perry can be goalie with me.

COACH MCGUIRK

There can only be one goalie, so Perry stays on the field.

WALTER AND PERRY

Nooooo!

PERRY

I won’t let you go!

WALTER

Never let go!

COACH MCGUIRK

Fine, Brendon, get in the goal.  Brendon, why did you take your shoes off?

BRENDON

Melissa’s right, the grass feels good on your toes.

COACH MCGUIRK

What the hell are you people doing?

BRENDON

Hey, I’m just taking your advice and trying not to think about it.

WALTER AND PERRY

Shoes off!  Shoes off!

COACH MCGUIRK

(to Mandy)

Fine!  You coach them.  I’ll be on the bench putting words to how unflattering your personality is.

MANDY

Hey, coach, let’s make a deal.  You want time to write, I want to see the inspiring John I used to know.  Show these kids the Mini Michelin I know and love.

COACH MCGUIRK

Please stop saying that.

MANDY

I’m here for the rest of the week.  If you coach one game where you give it your all, and you win, I’ll coach your team for the rest of the week.

COACH MCGUIRK

And if I lose?

MANDY

Then you take off your shirt and show me that stack of tires.  And I’ll still coach your team for the week.

COACH MCGUIRK

Jesus Christ.  Fine.  But don’t expect me to spare you from the marshmallow lava.

MANDY

I told you I’m a lesbian.  I’m not interested in your ejaculate.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Field of Creams” – Scene 2