[WASHINGTON, D.C.] Just minutes after Jamaican beer company, Red Stripe, was indicted for colluding with the Russian government to rig the karaoke competition of August 23rd, investigators began digging even deeper for clues to the mastermind Russian plot to undermine America’s faith in karaoke competitions. However, none of us expected the investigation to go this deep.
Several figures within the Trump administration, including Donald Trump himself, have officially been indicted for conspiring with the Russians to sow discord in America, including, but not limited to, the rigging of a fraudulent karaoke competition, which took place on August 23rd, 2018 at Finny’s Pub in Doylestown, PA.
The evidence to support this most recent indictment is quite striking, considering it was right under our nose the entire time. Clearly, Donald Trump has been working with Red Stripe, the sponsor of the karaoke competition, and the Russian government to rig karaoke competitions all over America.
In the midst of this mind-blowing revelation, Karaokegate has officially been declared. This photo is incriminating evidence that one of America’s most trusted democratic institutions, the karaoke competition, has been tainted by the President himself, who is working as a Russian operative. Discord is officially sowed. Even more unsettling is the expression of the man standing behind Putin. That furrowed brow carries the weight of a thousand stolen karaoke competitions.
For good measure, I’m indicting that guy too. It’s time to get to the bottom of this. As previously mentioned, my indictments are not legally binding, but I will continue to treat them as if they are. Now that the President of the United States has officially been indicted, Russia is without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt guilty of interfering in at least one karaoke competition, though my suspicion is that this operation spans over thousands of karaoke competitions across the country.
For more information about Russian karaoke meddling, don’t miss my tell-all book, What Happened At the Karaoke Competition?
James P. W. Martin 