Karaokegate Turns Out To Be Baseless Conspiracy Theory, Or Is It?

So, I know that I told everyone that the Russian government was responsible for rigging the karaoke competition of 2018 at Finny’s Pub in Doylestown, PA, and I was super convinced it was true, but it turned out to be a bunch of phony-bologna, you guys.  I have now won two karaoke competitions in a row, since my loss on that fateful day.  Which leads me to the conclusion that Russia was not involved in karaoke collusion, because why would they rig it in my favor?

Unless they knew I was onto their trail, here at THE BOUNDARY-BENDING BLOG, the only fucking news source covering this, now re-emerging, critically-important story.  The Russians knew I was reporting on their karaoke deception, so now they have rigged the process in my favor in hopes of shutting me up.  Well folks, I’m here to tell you that my integrity can’t be bought.  Well, I mean, at first I was here to tell you that it was all just gas because I won, but as soon as I typed the words, “Russia was not responsible,” I knew that couldn’t be true and there was a hidden angle to grasp at.  I just figured it out in real-time.

At first, the realization that Russia wasn’t responsible for rigging the 2016 competition made me somberly reflect that my loss was due to my own merits as a karaoke singer, which was too painful to address as a possibility.  But now, the prospect that I never truly won either of those karaoke competitions and that Russia was fixing it in my favor, makes me feel even worse.  It’s like, even when I win, I can never truly win.  All because of the discord sown by Russia, America’s most democratic process of karaoke competitions will never be safe.  Russia’s malice will not be satiated until we’re all karaoke communists!  I can’t believe I didn’t figure out their plan to buy my silence earlier.

Again, I did win a karaoke competition, this time I won a bike, and no this awesome bribe will not make me shill for the CIA’s #1 foreign adversary, so forget it, Vlady-boy.  I’ll gladly live through another full-blown Cold War for truth, democracy and most importantly, for karaoke!

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Bombshell New Info in Trump, Russia Karaoke Meddling Case

As official investigators have been searching for clues into the motivations of Trump, Russia, and Red Stripe (among several others) regarding the rigging of fraudulent karaoke competitions across America, one pertinent clue has recently come to light.  While the motivation of Russia is clearly to sow discord, Trump’s motivations appear to be far more corrupt.

New evidence suggests that Trump himself holds unfulfilled aspirations to win a karaoke competition.  This blurry cellphone snapshot was supposedly taken of Trump during a karaoke competition.

Why does the Manchurian Candidate sing?

The witness and source of the photo, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed that the photo was taken in 2015 and that Trump was singing “My Humps” by The Black Eyed Peas.  The source suggested that Donald Trump was so devastated after losing the karaoke competition, that he changed his karaoke aspirations to become President of the United States to make it so that no one could ever win a karaoke competition ever again.

The implications of this most recent revelation are sickening: Trump sold the integrity of America’s democratic institutions to Russia for his own selfish means. While Putin’s motivation is far more obvious, to sow discord in America, Trump’s motivation is deeply personal and Putin was wise enough to take advantage of Trump’s weaknesses.

At this point, anyone who denies the truth that Trump and Russia conspired with Red Stripe to rig karaoke competitions is either a witting or unwitting puppet of Putin.  For the rest of you patriots keeping a close eye on Karaokegate, if you’re unsure of where it could possibly go from here, worry not.  Like Rachel Maddow fifteen minutes into her show, I have only just begun frothing-at-the-mouth over Russia.

[BREAKING] Trump Officially Indicted In Russian Meddling of Karaoke Competition

[WASHINGTON, D.C.]  Just minutes after Jamaican beer company, Red Stripe, was indicted for colluding with the Russian government to rig the karaoke competition of August 23rd, investigators began digging even deeper for clues to the mastermind Russian plot to undermine America’s faith in karaoke competitions.  However, none of us expected the investigation to go this deep.

Several figures within the Trump administration, including Donald Trump himself, have officially been indicted for conspiring with the Russians to sow discord in America, including, but not limited to, the rigging of a fraudulent karaoke competition, which took place on August 23rd, 2018 at Finny’s Pub in Doylestown, PA.

The evidence to support this most recent indictment is quite striking, considering it was right under our nose the entire time.  Clearly, Donald Trump has been working with Red Stripe, the sponsor of the karaoke competition, and the Russian government to rig karaoke competitions all over America.

Dun, dun, dun!

In the midst of this mind-blowing revelation, Karaokegate has officially been declared.  This photo is incriminating evidence that one of America’s most trusted democratic institutions, the karaoke competition, has been tainted by the President himself, who is working as a Russian operative.  Discord is officially sowed.  Even more unsettling is the expression of the man standing behind Putin.  That furrowed brow carries the weight of a thousand stolen karaoke competitions.

What does he know about karaoke meddling?

For good measure, I’m indicting that guy too.  It’s time to get to the bottom of this.  As previously mentioned, my indictments are not legally binding, but I will continue to treat them as if they are.  Now that the President of the United States has officially been indicted, Russia is without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt guilty of interfering in at least one karaoke competition, though my suspicion is that this operation spans over thousands of karaoke competitions across the country.

For more information about Russian karaoke meddling, don’t miss my tell-all book, What Happened At the Karaoke Competition?

What Happened At the Karaoke Competition?

I remember the feeling I had when I first learned that Russia had interfered in the karaoke competition, which I had so desired to win, like it was yesterday.  Because it was announced just yesterday.  But the more-than-a-week leading up to that moment was filled with trials and tribulations, which I had to come to terms with.

In the very moment that I lost the karaoke competition, I knew there was foul play afoot.  It was as if the entire bar asked at once, “Sam who?”  Even the karaoke DJ reaffirmed my suspicions of prejudice from the judges, though his ramblings about Russian accents in that moment didn’t register with me, because truthfully, I was hurt.

It’s not that I wanted the beer cooler with attached bottle opener.  Hell, I would have just given them the beer cooler if they really wanted it.  I just wanted to be number one at karaoke.  I mean, all the signs pointed to me winning, so you can imagine I was pretty devastated.  You see, this is now my third-consecutive time placing second in a karaoke competition.  These competitions only come around a few times a year, and I’ve been practicing songs almost every Thursday night, when Finny’s Pub hosts karaoke night.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to keep practicing and trying to earn that “number one at karaoke” title, which I so deserve.

Most of the week after losing the karaoke competition, I spent hiking in the dense woods of Pennsylvania.  I camped and backpacked when I had to, but mostly I just walked.  I felt like I had lost touch with reality and needed to realign myself.  I tried singing the songs I had sung the night of the competition, but I began to feel a sense of loathing toward those songs; I felt so naïve in thinking that song selection could win a karaoke competition.

By the end of the week, I had reintroduced myself into normal society and was ready to return to the karaoke stage.  My unnamed source inside Finny’s Pub continued to claim he had information about interference in the karaoke competition and what I immediately found strange was that the word Russia kept coming up.  Part of me wanted so badly for it to be true that I wasn’t responsible for my own loss, but addressed it with a grain of skepticism.  Within the next few hours, as the evidence began to pile up, I launched a full-throttle investigation into the potential of Russian interference in the karaoke competition.

That investigation continues and more and more revelations pour in everyday.  This is just the tip of the iceberg.  You can read all about my personal accounts of Russian meddling in my upcoming tell-all book, What Happened At the Karaoke Competition?

Official Investigation Launched into Russian Meddling of Karaoke Competition

I have officially launched an investigation into Russia meddling in the karaoke competition which took place on August 23, 2018.  Though I have zero legal authority, I have placed indictments on several Russian agents, who have ties with operatives within the karaoke bar, Finny’s Pub in Doylestown, PA.  If any evidence should be required of my claims, the very fact that I have opened an investigation and placed indictments is evidence enough that Russia is guilty.

The winner of the competition was a shady figure who goes by the name of “Sam,” however, reliable sources within the karaoke bar later revealed that Sam’s full name is Saminski Popolovski.  Many patrons of the bar that night noted that they “didn’t even remember hearing her sing.”  A testimony from the karaoke DJ, who wished to remain anonymous, revealed that Popolovski had mumbled her song in fluent Russian.

The judges of the karaoke competition were unknown figures within the community, two females in their early-twenties, who vanished quickly after the winner of the competition was announced.  However, a reliable source from the karaoke bar confirmed that the credit card used by the two judges was directly linked to a lawyer who is directly linked to the Kremlin.  Furthermore, there are multiple witnesses who can confirm the fact that both judges were drinking White Russians.

Then I considered the prize of the karaoke competition: a beer cooler with attached bottle opener.  My skeptics have already decried a lack of motivation for Russia to want the beer cooler.  But I realized, it wasn’t about the beer cooler, it was about sowing discord among a local community.  This shadow of doubt Russia has cast on our democratic process of karaoke competitions has destroyed America’s faith in karaoke competitions all together.  So long as Russia is an acceptable scapegoat in polite society, I foresee that faith will never be restored.

Karaokegate has officially been declared.

Vladimir Putin, the scumbag responsible for rigging the karaoke competition.