So, I know that I told everyone that the Russian government was responsible for rigging the karaoke competition of 2018 at Finny’s Pub in Doylestown, PA, and I was super convinced it was true, but it turned out to be a bunch of phony-bologna, you guys. I have now won two karaoke competitions in a row, since my loss on that fateful day. Which leads me to the conclusion that Russia was not involved in karaoke collusion, because why would they rig it in my favor?
Unless they knew I was onto their trail, here at THE BOUNDARY-BENDING BLOG, the only fucking news source covering this, now re-emerging, critically-important story. The Russians knew I was reporting on their karaoke deception, so now they have rigged the process in my favor in hopes of shutting me up. Well folks, I’m here to tell you that my integrity can’t be bought. Well, I mean, at first I was here to tell you that it was all just gas because I won, but as soon as I typed the words, “Russia was not responsible,” I knew that couldn’t be true and there was a hidden angle to grasp at. I just figured it out in real-time.
At first, the realization that Russia wasn’t responsible for rigging the 2016 competition made me somberly reflect that my loss was due to my own merits as a karaoke singer, which was too painful to address as a possibility. But now, the prospect that I never truly won either of those karaoke competitions and that Russia was fixing it in my favor, makes me feel even worse. It’s like, even when I win, I can never truly win. All because of the discord sown by Russia, America’s most democratic process of karaoke competitions will never be safe. Russia’s malice will not be satiated until we’re all karaoke communists! I can’t believe I didn’t figure out their plan to buy my silence earlier.
Again, I did win a karaoke competition, this time I won a bike, and no this awesome bribe will not make me shill for the CIA’s #1 foreign adversary, so forget it, Vlady-boy. I’ll gladly live through another full-blown Cold War for truth, democracy and most importantly, for karaoke!
That’s the word BOUNDARY-BENDING BLOG got from defense lawyers working on the Russia probe and more than 15 former government officials with investigation experience spanning Watergate to the 2016 karaoke case. The public, they say, shouldn’t expect a comprehensive and presidency-wrecking account of Kremlin meddling and alleged karaoke obstruction by Trump — not to mention an explanation of the myriad subplots that have bedeviled lawmakers, journalists and amateur karaoke sleuths.
Perhaps most unsatisfying: Mueller’s karaoke findings may never even see the light of day.
“That’s just the way this works,” said John Q. Barrett, a former associate counsel who worked under independent counsel Lawrence Walsh during the Reagan-era investigation into secret U.S. arms sales to Iran. “Mueller is a criminal investigator. He has no stake in who becomes karaoke king.”
All of this may sound like a buzzkill after three months of intense news coverage depicting a potential conspiracy between the Kremlin, Red Stripe and Trump’s campaign, plus the scores of tweets from the White House condemning the Mueller karaoke probe as a “witch hunt.”
Mueller’s karaoke probe isn’t operating under the same ground rules as past high-profile government probes, including the Reagan-era investigation into Iranian arms sale and whether President Bill Clinton lied during a deposition about his extramarital affair with a White House intern. Those examinations worked under the guidelines of a post-Watergate law that expired in 1999 that required investigators to submit findings to Congress if they found impeachable offenses, a mandate that led to Starr’s salacious report that upended Clinton’s second term.
Mueller’s reporting mandate is much different. When he is finished, he must turn in a “confidential report explaining the prosecution or declination decisions” — essentially why he chose to bring charges against some people but not others. His reasoning, according to veterans of such investigations, could be as simple as “there wasn’t enough evidence” to support a winning karaoke court case.
Government officials will first get a chance to scrub the special counsel’s findings for classified details, though, involving everything from foreign intelligence sources to karaoke performed during grand jury testimony that the law forbids the government from disclosing.
The White House, for one, has indicated it might try to butt into the proceedings. Trump personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani said earlier this summer that the White House had reserved the right to block the release of karaoke information in Mueller’s final report that might be covered through executive privilege.
Congress is also primed to have a say. While Democratic leaders are hoping a return to power in the upcoming November midterms could grant them subpoena power to pry as much information of karaoke interference as possible from the special counsel’s office. Republicans might try to restrict the release of certain details that might embarrass the president, for instance the claim that Trump lost a karaoke competition in 2015, the key motivator of his presidential aspirations, to prevent anyone else from winning a karaoke competition.
The timing on the Mueller investigation final karaoke report — the special counsel’s office declined comment for this report — remains unclear. While he’s under no deadline to complete his work, several sources tracking the investigation say the special counsel and his team appear eager to wrap up. “I’m sure he’s determined to get back to the rest of his life,” said Barrett, the Iran-Contra investigator who is now a law professor at St. John’s University.
Mary McCord, a Georgetown University law professor and former DOJ official who helped oversee the FBI’s Russian karaoke meddling investigation before Mueller’s appointment, cautioned against heightened expectations around the special counsel’s final karaoke report.
“Don’t overread any of these facts that are in the world to suggest a quick wrap-up and everyone is going to get a chance to crown a karaoke king the next day,” she said. “It will probably be detailed because this material is detailed, but I don’t know that it will all be made public.”
Some of the central players in Karaokegate say they, too, have become resigned to not getting a complete set of answers out of Mueller’s work. “I assume there are going to be lots of details we’ll never learn, and lots of things that will never come to light,” said Robbie Mook, Clinton’s 2016 campaign manager.
But Mook added that Mueller’s efforts can be deemed a “success” if he answers just a few questions. For example, Mook wants to know whether and how the Russian government infiltrated karaoke competitions to influence the outcome. He wants to know whether there was an effort in the White House or in the president’s orbit to cover up what happened.
“What the people saying, ‘there will never be evidence,’ don’t understand is that we never needed evidence to begin with. Putin’s guilty and that’s that. In fact, the fact that we’ll never know the facts means we can skew them even further. Golly, who knows what other problems in America we can blame on Russia.”
Paul Manafort, Donald Trump’s former campaign chairman, has agreed to cooperate with Robert Mueller’s inquiry into Russian interference of countless karaoke competitions across the nation, a move that has escalated speculation of impeachment in Washington.
Manafort pleaded guilty to two criminal charges on Friday morning and struck a plea deal agreeing to assist special counsel Robert Mueller’s inquiry into Russian interference in thousands of karaoke competitions across the nation since 2016, including the karaoke competition at Finny’s Pub in Doylestown, PA on August 23rd, 2018. The plea agreement set out how Manafort must turn over documents and brief officials about “his participation in and knowledge of all criminal karaoke activities”.
The Sunday politics shows were duly dominated by talk of growing peril for Trump following Manafort’s dramatic moment in court.
Adam Schiff, the leading Democrat on the House intelligence committee, told NBC’s Meet the Press: “Manafort is at the confluence of a number of pernicious interests. You’ve got the president working with a Jamaican beer company to set up fraudulent karaoke competitions, you’ve got the president himself aspiring to be karaoke king.
“You’ve got Manafort trying to transfer money from this Russian oligarch to Red Stripe … you have the Russians who want to have a relationship with the Trump campaign, they want to help Trump achieve his karaoke dreams. All those interests converge with Paul Manafort, so basically we want to know what can Manafort tell us about whether any of that was consummated.
“He’s trying to win at karaoke, they’re trying to rig competitions, the Russians are trying to help Trump. Was there a meeting of the minds? That goes to the heart of the collusion or conspiracy issue.”
Schiff added: “Manafort is a key person to help us unwind whether this was the most improbable string of unlikely karaoke coincidences or whether this was an active karaoke conspiracy.”
Trump defended himself, tweeting on Sunday morning: “The illegal Mueller Witch Hunt continues in search of a karaoke crime. There was never Collusion with Russia or Red Stripe, Hillary Clinton rigged those Karaoke Competitions, so the 17 Angry Democrats are looking at anything they can find. Very unfair and BAD for karaoke. ALSO, not allowed under the LAW!”
Ken Starr, the special prosecutor whose investigation of the Monica Lewinsky affair 20 years ago led to the unsuccessful impeachment of Bill Clinton, said on CNN’s State of the Union: “The Trump White House and the lawyers are taking a page from the Clinton playbook. Attack the prosecutor.”
He said the real significance of Manafort’s move was “we are much closer to getting the truth than we were before this plea”, calling it “terrific for the investigation and frankly the American people’s faith in karaoke competitions.”
Starr, who has just published a book about the investigation of Clinton, said Trump would be unwise to give Manafort a pardon. Asked if impeachment should happen, he said: “I hope not, because one of the lessons in the book is impeachment is hell. The country should not be taken through that just because someone lost a karaoke contest.
“The founding generation wisely knew that it was such a serious act that it would require a two-thirds majority in the Senate. Unless there is a growing national consensus that karaoke competitions should be a trusted pillar of American Democracy, then perhaps impeachment is doomed to fail and it’s just the wrong way to go.”
A CNN poll last week showed eight in 10 Democratic voters think Trump should be impeached immediately and, across the board, voters approve of handling of the investigation into Russian karaoke meddling.
The Alabama Democratic senator Doug Jones told CNN: “Clearly you have people close to the president of the United States who have committed crimes and that, in and of itself, is a problem. But rigging a karaoke competition is not necessarily an impeachable offence.”
Jones, fighting to hold a seat in deep Trump country, cautioned that any judgment on whether to proceed with impeachment must wait until Mueller completes his karaoke investigation.
“Just because we’ve seen people that surround the president have gone forward [to prosecution for karaoke-related crimes] doesn’t mean there should be impeachment hearings, not by any stretch,” he said. “Once we see the reports we’ll have to weigh those reports on their own to find out who really rigged that karaoke competition.”
As official investigators have been searching for clues into the motivations of Trump, Russia, and Red Stripe (among several others) regarding the rigging of fraudulent karaoke competitions across America, one pertinent clue has recently come to light. While the motivation of Russia is clearly to sow discord, Trump’s motivations appear to be far more corrupt.
New evidence suggests that Trump himself holds unfulfilled aspirations to win a karaoke competition. This blurry cellphone snapshot was supposedly taken of Trump during a karaoke competition.
The witness and source of the photo, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed that the photo was taken in 2015 and that Trump was singing “My Humps” by The Black Eyed Peas. The source suggested that Donald Trump was so devastated after losing the karaoke competition, that he changed his karaoke aspirations to become President of the United States to make it so that no one could ever win a karaoke competition ever again.
The implications of this most recent revelation are sickening: Trump sold the integrity of America’s democratic institutions to Russia for his own selfish means. While Putin’s motivation is far more obvious, to sow discord in America, Trump’s motivation is deeply personal and Putin was wise enough to take advantage of Trump’s weaknesses.
At this point, anyone who denies the truth that Trump and Russia conspired with Red Stripe to rig karaoke competitions is either a witting or unwitting puppet of Putin. For the rest of you patriots keeping a close eye on Karaokegate, if you’re unsure of where it could possibly go from here, worry not. Like Rachel Maddow fifteen minutes into her show, I have only just begun frothing-at-the-mouth over Russia.
In the aftermath of Karaokegate, in which Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Red Stripe conspired to rig karaoke competitions across America, Donald Trump and his goons are spreading Fake News to suggest no connection between Trump, Putin, and the karaoke competition of August 23rd, 2018. At this moment, every self-respecting journalist should be calling on Facebook, Google, and other Silicon Valley oligarchs to censor all Fake News that defies the narrative of Karaokegate.
Russia has compromised the President of the United States and now media outlets are working as the unwitting propaganda arm of Putin by supporting Trump in his crusade to rig every karaoke competition in America. If Trump and Putin were not guilty (and potentially engaged in a homosexual relationship), why would they be fighting these charges against them so ruthlessly? I have placed indictments on all parties involved, so why do they not want the truth to come out in court? How many stolen karaoke competitions is the Trump administration hiding from us?
The last thing we need at a time like this, is multiple perspectives on a complex issue. If you’re critical of the Karaokegate narrative, you’re banned from the internet! If you have a problem with that, you can go cry to your buddy Putin, maybe he’ll give you magical Communist unicorns filled with Wi-Fi and free-healthcare, you commie traitor.
In a series of tweets, the Trump administration has responded to allegations that Donald Trump himself colluded with the Russian government and Jamaican beer company, Red Stripe, to rig fraudulent karaoke competitions across America. First he called the allegations, “Fake News,” then he continued by lambasting the sources of the dossier surrounding Karaokegate.
In the tweet, President Trump claims that Red Stripe never gave him any information about karaoke competitions, and quickly deflects to his electoral opponent, as a strategy he often employs. However, considering the context of the quote provided, one could conclude that Trump is defending his ties to Red Stripe, if only the information he received from Red Stripe and Russia had been through an intermediary.
The most troubling response to the dossier was when Trump specifically referenced The Boundary-Bending Blog as a purveyor of fake news and labelled this very blog, “the enemy of the people.” Now that Trump has been caught red-handed working as a Russian operative to rig karaoke competitions across the nation, his only two strategies are to obfuscate and attack.
It’s unclear if Donald Trump is aware of the fact that my indictments are not legally binding, but at the very least, it’s pleasing to see that he is treating them as if they are, as I will continue to do until America’s faith in the democratic process of karaoke competitions is restored.
[WASHINGTON, D.C.] Just minutes after Jamaican beer company, Red Stripe, was indicted for colluding with the Russian government to rig the karaoke competition of August 23rd, investigators began digging even deeper for clues to the mastermind Russian plot to undermine America’s faith in karaoke competitions. However, none of us expected the investigation to go this deep.
Several figures within the Trump administration, including Donald Trump himself, have officially been indicted for conspiring with the Russians to sow discord in America, including, but not limited to, the rigging of a fraudulent karaoke competition, which took place on August 23rd, 2018 at Finny’s Pub in Doylestown, PA.
The evidence to support this most recent indictment is quite striking, considering it was right under our nose the entire time. Clearly, Donald Trump has been working with Red Stripe, the sponsor of the karaoke competition, and the Russian government to rig karaoke competitions all over America.
In the midst of this mind-blowing revelation, Karaokegate has officially been declared. This photo is incriminating evidence that one of America’s most trusted democratic institutions, the karaoke competition, has been tainted by the President himself, who is working as a Russian operative. Discord is officially sowed. Even more unsettling is the expression of the man standing behind Putin. That furrowed brow carries the weight of a thousand stolen karaoke competitions.
For good measure, I’m indicting that guy too. It’s time to get to the bottom of this. As previously mentioned, my indictments are not legally binding, but I will continue to treat them as if they are. Now that the President of the United States has officially been indicted, Russia is without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt guilty of interfering in at least one karaoke competition, though my suspicion is that this operation spans over thousands of karaoke competitions across the country.