PHILADELPHIA, PA. TSA Agent, Mary Shelling, pulled 80-year-old, Agatha Betsey, for enhanced screening, convinced the suspect harbored an explosive device within her vagina, claiming with valiant authority, “The machine beeped!” Other TSA Agents assisted in holding Betsey and bending her over for a comprehensive probing of cavities. “You know what they say at TSA training,” Shelling mused in the middle of the screening, “‘if there isn’t a bomb in her vagina, it’s probably up her stinky, so double check with two fingers and a pinky.’” Shelling continued while demonstrating, with her hand, what it looks like. “In the locker room we call that ‘the shocker,’ but professionally, we call it ‘routine procedure,’” she said, pointing at the interviewer, who immediately regretted shaking her hand. Our interview ended abruptly when Shelling dashed across the terminal screaming, “For Christ sake, someone check that infant’s anus for explosives!” It is unclear as to whether any bombs were found in Betsey’s vagina, however, as of press time, she was still in custody, as TSA Agents stood in line to take turns thoroughly checking.
James P. W. Martin 