[WASHINGTON, D.C.] – Robert Mueller announced more indictments on Russians responsible for Hillary losing the 2016 presidential election. “We finally indicted those Russians who gave Trump $2 billion in free ad time on mainstream American television,” Mueller announced, before indicating that the FBI was preparing additional indictments for Russians responsible for Trump’s 2016 win. “We will soon announce indictments on the Russians who prevented Hillary from campaigning in Michigan and Wisconsin, and from there, we will target the Russians who created the Electoral College,” which caused Hillary to lose the election, even though she won 3 million more votes than her opponent. He suggested that from there, the FBI investigation of Russian meddling could go on to include: The Russians who forced Hillary to chose Tim Kaine as her VP, the Russians who kept private her transcripts to Wall Street, and even the Russians who rigged the Democratic Primary against Bernie Sanders. “If we let these Russians get away with stealing our elections,” Mueller added with un-ironic certainty, “they will do it again in 2018 and again in 2020.”
Tag: TheOnion
Dangerous Children Captured by Brave ICE Agents
FLORENCE, AZ. Courageous ICE agents were left shaking, after a close encounter with violent undocumented children, which lead to their eventual capture. An ICE official commended the agents for their valiant efforts, highlighting the threat posed by the assailants, “These children are rapists, they’re murderers, and some, I assume, are good children.” For the safety of the ICE agents, the children were locked in cages and separated from their families. One ICE agent broke down in tears after the incident, stating, “When you’re out there, exposed to all these dangerous children, you realize that the only thing that matters is protecting your brothers in the field of deportation.” Overcome with sobs, another ICE agent patted his back and elaborated, “Here at ICE, we’re a family, and you protect your family. You never let anything bad happen to your family. I just couldn’t stand to see one of these bastard children take out one of my brothers.” A third ICE agent patted his back as he started to cry, “Shhh,” he comforted, “those mean children are locked away and will never hurt anyone again.”
Liars Launch Investigation into Other Liars Lying
WASHINGTON, D.C. One group of liars has spent the better part of two years investigating an entirely different group of liars. The first group of liars, who convinced America to invade Iraq, claiming Saddam Hussein was an eminent threat, is convinced that the other party of liars, who claim to have never spoken to a Russian, are a bunch of liars. Sources have confirmed that the first set of liars have not been ostracized out of polite society for lying America into an illegal war, instead have been placed at the helm of an investigation, targeting a different group of liars, for a completely different set of lies. “I can’t believe they would lie to the American public about speaking to Russians,” said the war criminal, who lied about Iraq having WMDs. The implicated group of liars was quick to deflect that the real liars were the lying news media and his lying opponent, who continues to lie since losing the election, as a result of her extensive history of lying. “I just hope this investigation can get to the truth,” lied an intelligence official, with a smirk on his face.
Man Starts Blog, World Response: “How Long Will That Last?”
DOYLESTOWN, PA. Local writer, James Martin, set to the blogosphere earlier this month, when he created a personal blog. “But really,” the world responded, “how long do you think that will fucking last?” The world’s concerns deepened when Martin elaborated as to the nature of the posts he would be publishing: “It’s just, like, a place for me to write whatever is on my mind and just get it out into the world.” The world collectively rolled their eyes, asking, “So you expect this to last about a month or two, then?” Martin appeared determined to not shut down the blog just yet, claiming, “I feel like this could be a chance for me to gain a readership, which will help when I publish my novel.” However, as of press time, there was still not a new blog posted for the weekend, to which the world responded, “Mmmhmmm.”
After Hours of Tinder Swiping, Woman Accepts No More Fish in Sea
DOYLESTOWN, PA. After nearly three hours of swiping left on Tinder, local woman, Becca Bullwock, has reached the conclusion that there are no more fish left in the sea. “All the good ones are taken,” she said, as she described the stark reality of, “this new changing world, in which 70% the ocean’s fisheries have been obliterated by over-fishing.” Bullwock let out a grievous sigh, weighted by the countless hours spent swiping “NOPE” on guys who don’t meet the bare-minimum requirements of having six-pack abs, a decent job, and a willingness to have children right fucking now. “As soon as you find a fish you like, you find out he’s filled with micro plastics, or he has two heads from Fukushima radiation, or he still lives with his mother.” Bullwock continued to explain how the tastiest fish have already been caught, “And then people wonder why shark attacks are on the rise; they’re like me, pissed they can’t find a goddamn fish.” Creating an atmospheric soundtrack of sighs, Bullwock set down her phone, to recharge the dead battery. “Maybe I should just be a lesbian.”
I Can’t Wait For Summer, So I Can Take a Break from Defunding Schools
[OPINION] Betsy Devos, WASHINGTON D.C.
There’s seriously only a month left of school and I can’t stop looking out the window of the Department of Education and daydreaming about going outside, instead of being stuck here, withering away the education budget. It’s so boring here now that it’s getting warmer. Who can even think about how to over-charge for an unaccredited, useless degree, now that spring flowers are blooming?
I feel an over-whelming sense of lethargy when it comes to defending sexual predators on campus, whereas I had more ambition to do so at the beginning of the year. Likewise, when last semester started, letting for-profit colleges off the hook for defrauding students filled my life with purpose; now it’s just another tedious task in my endless schedule.
What no one told me about Washington D.C., is that there is a steep learning curve to politics around here. But there aren’t enough available resources for me to learn how to effectively defund public education. I mean, just the other day, I had to buy my own sharpie to cross out protections for disabled and trans students. Don’t get me wrong, I love undercutting civil rights; it’s a difficult process, and I feel brighter and whiter for it. I just need a break. I know that come September, after a relaxing summer break in the Hamptons, I’ll be rejuvenated and ready to reform the Sciences to remove the part about science.
If the World Ends Before New Rick & Morty, I’ll Be So Pissed
[Opinion] Marcus Calloway, DENVER, CO
If you’re like me, your life was nearly completed upon the announcement of 70 (seventy) new Rick & Morty episodes. But of course, with my luck, they announce new Rick & Morty episodes on the eve of World War III. Now I, like most of you, am totally open-minded toward the apocalypse. In fact, if Season 4 of Rick & Morty had been cancelled, I’d be ready right now to end this fucking universe and start all over.
If Trump and Netanyahu wanted to start World War III last week, we all would have been totally cool with it – but now, it’s like, we finally have something to live for again, if only a few more years. I swear, if the world ends before new Rick & Morty episodes come out, I’ll be so pissed. I think we can all agree that an eternal afterlife with more than 100 episodes of Rick & Morty doesn’t sound so bad. However, I personally, can’t even express how fuming mad I would be, if forced into an afterlife, in which 70 promised episodes of Rick & Morty had never come to pass.
I mean, c’mon, we’ve already made it a couple thousand years as a species, I think we can tolerate each other for just a fraction of that, until Rick & Morty is finally cancelled; at which point, let the bombs drop, ‘cause I’m done with this shit hole of a planet.
James P. W. Martin 