[WASHINGTON, D.C.] – Robert Mueller announced more indictments on Russians responsible for Hillary losing the 2016 presidential election. “We finally indicted those Russians who gave Trump $2 billion in free ad time on mainstream American television,” Mueller announced, before indicating that the FBI was preparing additional indictments for Russians responsible for Trump’s 2016 win. “We will soon announce indictments on the Russians who prevented Hillary from campaigning in Michigan and Wisconsin, and from there, we will target the Russians who created the Electoral College,” which caused Hillary to lose the election, even though she won 3 million more votes than her opponent. He suggested that from there, the FBI investigation of Russian meddling could go on to include: The Russians who forced Hillary to chose Tim Kaine as her VP, the Russians who kept private her transcripts to Wall Street, and even the Russians who rigged the Democratic Primary against Bernie Sanders. “If we let these Russians get away with stealing our elections,” Mueller added with un-ironic certainty, “they will do it again in 2018 and again in 2020.”
Tag: the onion
Dangerous Children Captured by Brave ICE Agents
FLORENCE, AZ. Courageous ICE agents were left shaking, after a close encounter with violent undocumented children, which lead to their eventual capture. An ICE official commended the agents for their valiant efforts, highlighting the threat posed by the assailants, “These children are rapists, they’re murderers, and some, I assume, are good children.” For the safety of the ICE agents, the children were locked in cages and separated from their families. One ICE agent broke down in tears after the incident, stating, “When you’re out there, exposed to all these dangerous children, you realize that the only thing that matters is protecting your brothers in the field of deportation.” Overcome with sobs, another ICE agent patted his back and elaborated, “Here at ICE, we’re a family, and you protect your family. You never let anything bad happen to your family. I just couldn’t stand to see one of these bastard children take out one of my brothers.” A third ICE agent patted his back as he started to cry, “Shhh,” he comforted, “those mean children are locked away and will never hurt anyone again.”
Liars Launch Investigation into Other Liars Lying
WASHINGTON, D.C. One group of liars has spent the better part of two years investigating an entirely different group of liars. The first group of liars, who convinced America to invade Iraq, claiming Saddam Hussein was an eminent threat, is convinced that the other party of liars, who claim to have never spoken to a Russian, are a bunch of liars. Sources have confirmed that the first set of liars have not been ostracized out of polite society for lying America into an illegal war, instead have been placed at the helm of an investigation, targeting a different group of liars, for a completely different set of lies. “I can’t believe they would lie to the American public about speaking to Russians,” said the war criminal, who lied about Iraq having WMDs. The implicated group of liars was quick to deflect that the real liars were the lying news media and his lying opponent, who continues to lie since losing the election, as a result of her extensive history of lying. “I just hope this investigation can get to the truth,” lied an intelligence official, with a smirk on his face.
Man Starts Blog, World Response: “How Long Will That Last?”
DOYLESTOWN, PA. Local writer, James Martin, set to the blogosphere earlier this month, when he created a personal blog. “But really,” the world responded, “how long do you think that will fucking last?” The world’s concerns deepened when Martin elaborated as to the nature of the posts he would be publishing: “It’s just, like, a place for me to write whatever is on my mind and just get it out into the world.” The world collectively rolled their eyes, asking, “So you expect this to last about a month or two, then?” Martin appeared determined to not shut down the blog just yet, claiming, “I feel like this could be a chance for me to gain a readership, which will help when I publish my novel.” However, as of press time, there was still not a new blog posted for the weekend, to which the world responded, “Mmmhmmm.”
TSA Agent Convinced 80-Year-Old Lady Hiding Bomb in Vagina
PHILADELPHIA, PA. TSA Agent, Mary Shelling, pulled 80-year-old, Agatha Betsey, for enhanced screening, convinced the suspect harbored an explosive device within her vagina, claiming with valiant authority, “The machine beeped!” Other TSA Agents assisted in holding Betsey and bending her over for a comprehensive probing of cavities. “You know what they say at TSA training,” Shelling mused in the middle of the screening, “‘if there isn’t a bomb in her vagina, it’s probably up her stinky, so double check with two fingers and a pinky.’” Shelling continued while demonstrating, with her hand, what it looks like. “In the locker room we call that ‘the shocker,’ but professionally, we call it ‘routine procedure,’” she said, pointing at the interviewer, who immediately regretted shaking her hand. Our interview ended abruptly when Shelling dashed across the terminal screaming, “For Christ sake, someone check that infant’s anus for explosives!” It is unclear as to whether any bombs were found in Betsey’s vagina, however, as of press time, she was still in custody, as TSA Agents stood in line to take turns thoroughly checking.