“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 6

INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM – NIGHT

The sign on the door reads: WRITING COMPETITION TONIGHT!  Melissa is on stage in front of the crowd, reading her submission.

MELISSA

And here, thou art cast away, Wilson.  Bound to mine own earthly raft, I cannot reach.  For if I follow, to the tide, I will finally succumb. You are cast and I am cast, and we are both castaways.

INT. BACKSTAGE – NIGHT

Brendon is watching Melissa from backstage, while he continues to write his submission.

BRENDON

And, done!

Brendon puts down the pen and paper.  Coach McGuirk and Clara approach him.

COACH MCGUIRK

Brendon, I’m glad I caught you.  Listen, you don’t have to do that thing any more.

BRENDON

Ah ah ah, I’m a man of my word, Coach.  I told you I could handle it and I did.

COACH MCGUIRK

What did you do?

BRENDON

I finished your novel, but I didn’t have time to write for the competition, so I combined them into one.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh my god, Brendon, don’t.

The audience applause and Mr. Lynch takes the microphone.

MR. LYNCH

That was Melissa, with A Midsummer Night’s Castaway.  And now, our next competitor, Brendon Small.

BRENDON

You’ll thank me for this later, Coach.

Melissa exits and Brendon walks on stage. Coach McGuirk turns to Clara.

COACH MCGUIRK

We should leave right now.

CLARA

Why, babe?  What’s wrong?

COACH MCGUIRK

It’s just…

BRENDON

Ahem, if I could get everyone’s attention please.  My submission to the writing competition is dedicated to my soccer coach, Coach McGuirk.

CLARA

That’s so sweet.

BRENDON

He’s always there for me when I have a question and he teaches me valuable lessons.  He’s honestly more of a father figure to me than my own dad is.

AUDIENCE

Awwww!

BRENDON

Most recently, he taught me that it’s okay to be a prostitute.

COACH MCGUIRK

Jesus Christ, Brendon, what are you doing?

CLARA

Aww!

MR. LYNCH

Excuse me?

BRENDON

We’re all prostitutes in our own way and society needs prostitutes in order to thrive.  Being a prostitute is a beautiful thing.

CLARA

You go, little weird kid!

BRENDON

And now for my writing submission.  In that moment, double agent Coach McGuirk decided to hire a prostitute, because hiring a prostitute is a lot easier than doing it yourself.

MR. LYNCH

Get off the stage, Brendon.  You don’t have to do it anymore.

BRENDON

Okay.  Oh, and by the way, if anyone needs a prostitute, I’m currently selling my services.

Brendon walks off stage.

CLARA

Okay, that got weird.

COACH MCGUIRK

The imaginations on these kids, huh?

MR. LYNCH

I’ll see you in my office after the show, McGuirk.

BRENDON

(To Coach McGuirk)

So, what did you think?

COACH MCGUIRK

I think I just lost my job.

CLARA

I thought it was amazing.  You have a real talent with words.

Clara leans down and kisses Brendon on the forehead.

BRENDON

Oh, wow.  Now I get why you want to be a writer, Coach.

COACH MCGUIRK

You’re lucky I don’t want to go back to prison, Brendon.

INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM – NIGHT

MR. LYNCH

And the winner of tonight’s writing competition is Jason Penopolis, who wrote, Culture of the Cultured: An Ode to Yogurt.

JASON

Alright!  Yogurt-eaters for the win!

MR. LYNCH

And your prize is a twenty-dollar gift-certificate to Ike Dream’s Ice Cream!

JASON

Are you friggin’ kidding me?

FADE TO BLACK.

CREDITS.

Continue to Episode 3: “Field of Creams” – Scene 1

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“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 5

INT. STROMBOLI OLIE’S – NIGHT

Coach McGuirk sits at a table across from Clara.

CLARA

Thanks for inviting me to dinner, John.  It’s so great to be able to sit down with other writers and talk about writing.

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, you know me, I love writing so much, I can hardly stand it.

CLARA

I’m so fascinated by your novel.  It’s so sexy when a man can come up with good ideas and turn them into words on a page.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about, Clara.  You see, I’m not the person you think I am from my novel.

CLARA

What, do you think I’m stupid?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, I…

CLARA

I know you’re not a secret double agent, John, I know it’s just a book.  You’ve never killed a whale with your bare hands, you probably don’t have a yacht, and there’s no such thing as marshmallow volcano lava.

COACH MCGUIRK

What?  Of course there is.  It’s not that, Clara.  The truth is, I’m not a real writer.  What I submitted was the most I’ve ever written in my entire life and I plan to keep it that way.

CLARA

I see.  That certainly changes things.

COACH MCGUIRK

It does?

CLARA

Big time.  Unfortunately, I’m only attracted to writers, so if that’s not you, I may have gotten my hopes up.

COACH MCGUIRK

There’s gotta be another way.  I like you so much, there has to be a way we can make this work.

CLARA

Well, truth be told, I haven’t been honest with you either, John.

COACH MCGUIRK

You haven’t?

CLARA

Yes, I’m an aspiring author, but I’m also a prostitute, John.

COACH MCGUIRK

Uhh, wait, what?

CLARA

I’m a prostitute, John.  So you can have me if you can afford me.

COACH MCGUIRK

And how much is that?

Clara leans over the table and whispers in his ear.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh.  Is there any chance you would accept 20%-off coupons to Bogurt’s Yogurt?

CLARA

That’s a confirmed no on the yacht, huh?

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait a minute.  I did write what I submitted.  You’re telling me, all I have to do is keep writing and you’ll be my girlfriend?

Clara smiles.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 6

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 4

EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon sits on the soccer field alone with a pen, pad of paper, a copy of Coach McGuirk’s printed novel, and an empty ice cream bowl.  He flips through McGurik’s manuscript.

BRENDON

I just can’t follow Double Agent John McGuirk’s character arc.  He starts on a whaling ship, then the ninja assassins come out of no where, and somehow the Russian spy sub can pass through the marshmallow lava.  This source material is garbage!  I can’t work with this.

Brendon throws the manuscript a few feet away.  SHANNON walks over and picks it up and begins to read it.

SHANNON

After snapping the neck of the last ninja with a swift high kick, Double Agent John McGuirk grabbed Clara for one last kiss before he dove into the marshmallow lava.  Did you write this crap, Brendon?

BRENDON

No, I didn’t write it, Coach McGuirk did.  He paid me to finish writing it for him.

SHANNON

Oh, so you’re a prostitute.

BRENDON

A what?

SHANNON

A prostitute.  You’re a prostitute, Brendon.  You sell yourself to men so they can get off.

BRENDON

Is that what I’m doing?

SHANNON

How much did he pay you?

BRENDON

Twenty dollars.

SHANNON

Oh, so you’re a cheap prostitute.

BRENDON

I don’t think you’re using that word correctly.

SHANNON

Oh, I’m using it correctly.  You think you’re the only one Coach asked to write for him?  He practically begged the entire basketball team.  You’re the only pretty woman who said yes to him.

BRENDON

I really don’t appreciate that reference.

SHANNON

How does it feel to know that you’re helping an old desperate man get his rocks off?

Shannon picks up Brendon’s empty ice cream container.

SHANNON

And what’s this?  Ike Dream’s Ice Cream and a receipt for exactly $20 in ice cream?  How did it feel, Brendon, going down your throat?  Did it feel like guilt?

BRENDON

Ok, Shannon, I’ve had enough of this conversation.  Unless you can help me write this, you’re wasting my time.

SHANNON

Unlike you, Brendon, I’m not a prostitute.  So, no, I can’t help you write McGuirk’s jizzfest.  But what I can do is give you advice.

BRENDON

Advice?

SHANNON

Don’t write it.

BRENDON

But Coach McGuirk already paid me.

SHANNON

You’d think he would have learned by now not to pay a hooker until after she’s finished.

BRENDON

So you’re saying I shouldn’t write it?  I’d have to feign my death, grow a mustache, learn French and move to Canada.

SHANNON

You’d really go through all that?  What’s the worst he could do to you?  He’s just a soccer coach.

BRENDON

Yeah, but he gets that look where his eyes go all black, like a shark about to strike, but instead of rows of teeth, it’s smells of vodka.

SHANNON

He’s not a shark, Brendon, he’s a whale.  Didn’t you see the title?  Moby McGuirk.  He’s a big fat white whale.

BRENDON

I don’t think I want to anger that whale.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 5

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 4

(Original picture source: Adult Swim)

EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon walks to the bench.  Coach McGuirk is sitting on the bench, resting his laptop on a soccer ball.  He is still writing.  He clearly hasn’t slept.

BRENDON

Coach?

COACH MCGUIRK

For art thou – what Brendon?!  Don’t interrupt me!

BRENDON

What are you doing?

COACH MCGUIRK

What does it look like?  I’m writing!  Never interrupt a writer, Brendon.

BRENDON

Why?

COACH MCGUIRK

What?  Do you just walk up to a firefighter and say, ‘hey, why are you putting out that burning building?’

BRENDON

No.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s right, no.  They stop to answer your little feeble-minded question, and in the mean time, people burn alive.  You want that on your hands?

BRENDON

No.

COACH MCGUIRK

Well, the burning building is my mind, Brendon.  Every second you waste yakking, it gets hotter and hotter.

BRENDON

What happened to marinating those idea pearls?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, get off your high horse, Brendon.  It’s not a good look for you.

BRENDON

Where does that cable go?

Brendon points to the extension cord attached to McGuirk’s laptop, which extends out of frame.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t worry about it and don’t bug me, I have three hours hours to finish this chapter.  Do you have any idea how long it takes to write?  I’ve been at it for fifteen hours and I’m barely at four and a half pages.

Brendon looks over Coach McGuirk’s shoulder.

BRENDON

Are you copying Moby Dick?

COACH MCGUIRK

Not anymore.  The book was just a jumping point, but I’ve reached a new plane and the ideas are excreting out of me faster than ever.

BRENDON

Reading is hard, too, huh?

COACH MCGUIRK

I couldn’t stomach another word of that garbage.

Coach McGuirk throws the book as hard as he can over the bleachers.

MELISSA

Ow!

Melissa walks into frame carrying the book.

MELISSA

Who threw this?  Was it you Brendon?

BRENDON

No, it wasn’t me, it was, uh, the wind.  Blew it right over there.

MELISSA

It’s not even windy, Brendon.

BRENDON

Oh, it was, just a moment ago.

MELISSA

Well now I don’t remember because I was just hit in the head by Moby Dick.

Melissa trips on the extension cord and falls down.

MELISSA

Ow!  What the?

Melissa stands up.

MELISSA

Coach this wire is a safety hazard.

COACH MCGUIRK

No it’s not.

MELISSA

Yes it is, I just tripped on it, it’s a hazard of safety.

COACH MCGUIRK

Well now you know it’s there and you won’t trip again.

MELISSA

No!  First I get hit with a Dick!

COACH MCGUIRK

Could you change the wording, please?

MELISSA

Then I trip on your computer wire.  This isn’t okay, I’m about to call Mr. Lynch over here.  Mr. Lynch!

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay, okay, Melissa.  Technically, I’m not allowed to have my laptop on the field.  But technically, girls aren’t allowed to play on the soccer team and I allow you to play any way.

MELISSA

Is that true?

COACH MCGUIRK

No.  But if it were, wouldn’t you appreciate me for that?

MELISSA

Yeah.

COACH MCGUIRK

Well there you go.  And technically, I threw the book that hit you in the head.  Hehe.

MELISSA

What?  Brendon you knew about this?  And you lied to me?

BRENDON

What?  No?

MELISSA

Why would you lie about something so trivial?

BRENDON

No I didn’t lie!  It was simply a misjudgment.  I had my back turned and I didn’t see it.  I really did think it was the wind.

MELISSA

Well you’d have to be pretty stupid to think that, it’s a really heavy book.

BRENDON

Okay, Melissa, I admit I am very stupid.

MELISSA

Well that’s true.  Okay I have to go.

Melissa exits frame.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wow, Brendon that was incredible.

BRENDON

What was?

COACH MCGUIRK

A female catches you in a lie and you dodge claiming stupidity.  Haha.  To think, fifty years of lying to women and I’m still learning new tricks.

BRENDON

So what are you writing about?

COACH MCGUIRK

James Bond, well it started out like Moby Dick, but Double Agent John McGuirk is way too cool to be stuck on some whaling boat sausage fest.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 5

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 3

INT. JOHN MCGUIRK’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Coach McGuirk sits on the floor, talking on the phone, his laptop propped up on a box.

COACH MCGUIRK

So, Clara, when will I see you again?

CLARA

You’re still coming to the writing group on Wednesday, right?

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, of course.

CLARA

Great, I’ll see you then.  You’re submitting part of your novel, right?

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, definitely.

CLARA

Great, just email it to me by Friday, so the group has enough time to read it.

COACH MCGUIRK

Friday?  That’s tomorrow.

CLARA

Is that a problem?

COACH MCGUIRK

Not at all, since I already wrote it.

CLARA

Great!  I’ll talk to you tomorrow then.

COACH MCGUIRK

Great.

Clara hangs up the phone and Coach McGuirk sighs heavily.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay, John, you got this.  Just read Moby Dick and copy down the good stuff and change anything you don’t like.  McGuirk it up a little.

Coach McGuirk opens the book Moby Dick, typing in his laptop as he goes.

COACH MCGUIRK

Let’s see here.  Chapter one.  Call me Ishmael.  Well that sucks.  Let’s change that to: Call me Coach McGuirk.  Wait, no.  Call me McGuirk, comma, John McGuirk.  Yeah, like James Bond did it; and look how much action he got.  Moving on.  Some years ago–never mind how precisely–having little or no money in my purse.  Purse?!  No, McGuirk doesn’t own a purse.  When does it get to the part about the boat?

Coach McGuirk flips through the book.

COACH MCGUIRK

Here we go.  The whaling voyage was welcome; the great flood-gates of the wonder-world swung open. Oh, that’s good.  That’ll swing open her flood gates.  I don’t even know what it means, but it’s good.  Let’s see, crap, I keep losing my place.  Here it is.  And in the wild conceits that swayed me to my purpose, two and two there floated into my inmost soul, endless processions of the whale.  Oh, yeah, that’ll get her wet.  She’ll be begging for the endless processions of my whale.  Mid most of them all, one grand hooded phantom – that sounds dope – like a snow hill in the air.  Hmm.  Okay, dial it down, Shakespeare.  We’ll change that to: like my private yacht, which I use to go on whaling expeditions.

Coach McGuirk turns the page.

COACH MCGUIRK

Alright, chapter two.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 4

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 2

(Picture Source: Adult Swim)

INT. BRENDON’S BASEMENT – NIGHT

Brendon stands behind the camera.  Jason and Melissa stand in front of the camera, Jason in an over-sized suit, holding a cup of coffee, Melissa in a barista apron.

BRENDON

And action!

MELISSA

Brendon, you didn’t give us a script.

BRENDON

I know that, I’m trying something different.

MELISSA

Well how am I supposed to know what my lines are if I don’t have a script?

BRENDON

Melissa, this is all part of the process, okay?

JASON

Um, Brendon?

BRENDON

Yes, Jason?

JASON

Who am I again?

BRENDON

You are the famous American musician, Moby.

JASON

And why am I upset about my cup of coffee?

BRENDON

Well, it’s less about the coffee itself, and more about the fact that Moby is being a dick right now.

JASON

And why am I being a dick?

MELISSA

Brendon, have you ever read Moby Dick?

BRENDON

Yes I have, Melissa.  What’s your point?

JASON

This is based on a book?

MELISSA

You know this isn’t what the book is about, right?

BRENDON

Yes Melissa, I know that.

JASON

It’s not?

MELISSA

No, Jason.  It’s about a whale.

JASON

Why is Moby mad at a whale?  I never thought Moby was a mad guy, I’m confused.

MELISSA

No, Moby’s not in the book, Jason.

JASON

So then why am I dressed like Moby?

MELISSA

Ask Brendon.

BRENDON

Look, I just thought, all of our other movies had scripts, why not try to make one without a script, you know?

MELISSA

You mean improvise?

BRENDON

Yes, exactly!

MELISSA

But then we’re writing the script, Brendon.  And it was your job to write the script.

BRENDON

I understand that, Melissa, and maybe this is a learning process for everyone.

JASON

Brendon, I’m already sweating a lot as it is.

BRENDON

Uh huh.

JASON

I’m just worried I’m gonna ruin your dad’s suit if I get nervous on what to say.

BRENDON

Just give it a shot, you guys will be great!  Let’s start with Moby flipping out about the cup of coffee.

JASON

Wait, so Moby isn’t in the book, right?

BRENDON

Yeah, we already went over this.

JASON

Oh, so this is like a parody, like a play on words, using Moby to make fun of the book, since he’s not in the book.

BRENDON

That’s about right.

JASON

Oh, okay, I get it now.

BRENDON

And action!

JASON

Oy!  You listen here, pretty!  This is the worst blimey roast of cuppah I’ve ever tasted in me whole bloody life!

MELISSA

Whoa.  I mean, sorry, sir.  I can remake that for you.

JASON

Um.  No!  Nothing you can do can make this better!  I just want you to have to stand there, while I yell about this coffee.

MELISSA

Moby, you’re such a dick.

BRENDON

And cut!  I think that was some of our best work, you guys.  I don’t know where that accent came from, Jason, since Moby isn’t British, but I really liked it.

JASON

It came from within me.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 3

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 1

(Picture Source: Adult Swim)

EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Coach McGuirk and Brendon Small sit on the bench.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m in a lot of trouble, Brendon.

BRENDON

Why?  What’s wrong?

COACH MCGUIRK

I just met this person.  She’s amazing.  She makes me feel like I’ve never felt before.  Plus she’s really hot.

BRENDON

So, what’s the problem?

COACH MCGUIRK

Well, she’s part of a writing group and I told her I would attend and submit part of my novel for review.

BRENDON

Oh, that’s great!  I didn’t know you were writing a novel!

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m not.

BRENDON

Oh.

COACH MCGUIRK

Well, I mean, I am.  I’ve been working on it for years.

BRENDON

How much have you written down?

COACH MCGUIRK

I haven’t written down anything yet.

BRENDON

Well then, why don’t you start writing down some of your ideas?

COACH MCGUIRK

On what?  Paper?  And then what?  I’ll just be a hoarder with stacks of paper all over my house?

BRENDON

Not really –

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s not how this works, Brendon.  When you have an idea, the last thing you want to do is write it down.  Ideas are like pearls, the longer they sit in your head, the better they become.  I’ve got an idea I’ve been working on a long time, alright?  What they don’t tell you about prison is that it gives you a lot of time to think and right now I’m about to explode great ideas onto the page.  I mean on my laptop, once I figure out how to get it working.  Do you hear me, Brendon?

BRENDON

Yeah.

COACH MCGUIRK

Well your eyes went crossed there for a second, I couldn’t tell if you were listening to how a true writer hones his craft.

A whistle blows and Coach McGuirk interrupts his train of thought to stand and scream.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, come on, Ref!  That was a yellow card!  A yellow card!

Coach McGuirk sighs and sits back down.

COACH MCGUIRK

Ideas come and go, Brendon, and most of your ideas are crap, trust me.  The crap ideas will go, but the good ideas stay with you.  That’s why I don’t have to write them down.  It’s all up here.  I’m practically bursting at the seams with good ideas.

BRENDON

So what are you gonna do?

COACH MCGUIRK

I don’t know.

Coach McGuirk buries his head into his palms, before suddenly sitting up.

COACH MCGUIRK

Do you think she’d notice if I just plagiarized a book that already exists?

BRENDON

Probably.

COACH MCGUIRK

What, like, what do you think chicks read?

BRENDON

Chicks?

COACH MCGUIRK

Females, Brendon.  What do females read?

BRENDON

Um.

COACH MCGUIRK

Do you think she would have read Moby Dick?  I read that once.  Or at least I tried to.

BRENDON

Moby what now?

COACH MCGUIRK

Dick, Brendon, I know what she wants.  If I submit a manly book like Moby Dick, not only will she have not read it, but she’ll think I’m like good at the outdoors and sailing and stuff.  Maybe she’ll think I have a boat.

BRENDON

You know, I heard you shouldn’t lie to women.  There’s a rumor going around they really don’t like that.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s nonsense, Brendon.  If I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that females can’t be trusted with the truth.  Okay?  They use it to get under your skin and manipulate you.  Before you know it, you’re at a job that you hate, so that you can barely afford a lifestyle that for some reason, still doesn’t put her in the mood.

BRENDON

And how is that different from your current situation?

COACH MCGUIRK

Get off my field, Brendon.

BRENDON

I’m not on the field, Coach.

COACH MCGUIRK

Well then get on the field!  Go!  Beat it!  Get in the game!  Quit slacking off!

Brendon runs onto the field.  Coach McGuirk groans to himself.

COACH MCGUIRK

Illiterate twerp.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 2