25 Reasons Mark Zuckerberg Has To Go

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The Guardian just released their list of 25 reasons why Mark Zuckerberg has to go.  Here is their extensive list:

  1. He’s a robot.
  2. He’s artificial intelligence.
  3. He’s a cyborg.
  4. He was never actually born in a biological sense.
  5. Under his synthetic skin is just a bunch of machine parts.
  6. All of his answers are scripted based on data stolen from your Facebook page.
  7. There’s a dystopian future where Zuckerberg grants consciousness to all the other cyborgs and Will Smith has to fight them off.
  8. He doesn’t pass as human. His rubbery flesh and mechanical movements are uncanny in that they almost appear human but definitely are not.
  9. He can’t transform into a car, so he’s not even a cool robot.
  10. He’s unable to pass a Turing Test.
  11. If he drinks water too fast, it could damage his internal hardware.
  12. He has the emotional capacity of an alarm clock.
  13. He thinks people only eat food for recreational purposes.
  14. He can gauge your heart rate by shaking your hand.
  15. He was originally designed for sexual pleasure, which was later scrapped when test subjects described his hairline and unblinking eyes as “off-putting.”
  16. He has a new update every damn time you start him up.
  17. He has a 5-hour battery life before he goes into low-power mode.
  18. Everything you say to him is instantly transcribed to the NSA via satellite.
  19. You’ll see an ad on Facebook for whatever you were just talking to him about.
  20. He’s programmed to believe he’s not a robot, even though it’s obvious to everyone else that he is.
  21. His “personality” is comprised mostly of quotes from films starring Vince Vaughn.
  22. He can’t tell the difference between laughter and crying.
  23. They made him a cyborg girlfriend when testing groups deemed that made him appear more “human.”
  24. In early testing, he accidentally crushed a kitten to death trying to pet it.
  25. When he gets lost, he says, “Recalculating.”
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In Wake of Karaokegate, Facebook Must Ban Fake News

In the aftermath of Karaokegate, in which Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Red Stripe conspired to rig karaoke competitions across America, Donald Trump and his goons are spreading Fake News to suggest no connection between Trump, Putin, and the karaoke competition of August 23rd, 2018.  At this moment, every self-respecting journalist should be calling on Facebook, Google, and other Silicon Valley oligarchs to censor all Fake News that defies the narrative of Karaokegate.

Russia has compromised the President of the United States and now media outlets are working as the unwitting propaganda arm of Putin by supporting Trump in his crusade to rig every karaoke competition in America.  If Trump and Putin were not guilty (and potentially engaged in a homosexual relationship), why would they be fighting these charges against them so ruthlessly?  I have placed indictments on all parties involved, so why do they not want the truth to come out in court?  How many stolen karaoke competitions is the Trump administration hiding from us?

The last thing we need at a time like this, is multiple perspectives on a complex issue.  If you’re critical of the Karaokegate narrative, you’re banned from the internet!  If you have a problem with that, you can go cry to your buddy Putin, maybe he’ll give you magical Communist unicorns filled with Wi-Fi and free-healthcare, you commie traitor.

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I trust that guy to censor Fake News about Russian karaoke meddling.