Steven Tyler Leaks Unreleased Aerosmith Song: “I Don’t Want To Kiss Your Thing”

On Joe Rogan’s podcast last week, Steven Tyler let it slip that the original lyrics to the song, “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing,” may have had been profoundly different than the song we have come to know.  After some deep web research and a few house calls in Maui, this blog was granted exclusive access to a portion of the unreleased song.  Below is the leak from Joe Rogan’s podcast, followed by the clip of the unreleased song.  It appears that the original version of the song was actually about Steven Tyler’s refusal to kiss “your thing,” which by the described “stink,” must surely refer to a gentle-lady’s private parts.  Following the revelation of the unreleased track, DJ Khaled commented that he, too, “does not kiss it.”

After reviewing the song, we interviewed Steven Tyler, mainly to ask about the quality of his voice in the unreleased song.  “I must have had a cold that day,” Tyler mused.  “It really did work out to re-record the track when I was feeling better.  And I think removing the part about smelly pussy helped make it a smash hit.”

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Dangerous Children Captured by Brave ICE Agents

Violent children captured by heroic ICE agents.

FLORENCE, AZ.  Courageous ICE agents were left shaking, after a close encounter with violent undocumented children, which lead to their eventual capture.  An ICE official commended the agents for their valiant efforts, highlighting the threat posed by the assailants, “These children are rapists, they’re murderers, and some, I assume, are good children.”  For the safety of the ICE agents, the children were locked in cages and separated from their families.  One ICE agent broke down in tears after the incident, stating, “When you’re out there, exposed to all these dangerous children, you realize that the only thing that matters is protecting your brothers in the field of deportation.”  Overcome with sobs, another ICE agent patted his back and elaborated, “Here at ICE, we’re a family, and you protect your family.  You never let anything bad happen to your family.  I just couldn’t stand to see one of these bastard children take out one of my brothers.”  A third ICE agent patted his back as he started to cry, “Shhh,” he comforted, “those mean children are locked away and will never hurt anyone again.”

Liars Launch Investigation into Other Liars Lying

Liar testifies about other liars lying.

WASHINGTON, D.C.  One group of liars has spent the better part of two years investigating an entirely different group of liars.  The first group of liars, who convinced America to invade Iraq, claiming Saddam Hussein was an eminent threat, is convinced that the other party of liars, who claim to have never spoken to a Russian, are a bunch of liars.  Sources have confirmed that the first set of liars have not been ostracized out of polite society for lying America into an illegal war, instead have been placed at the helm of an investigation, targeting a different group of liars, for a completely different set of lies.   “I can’t believe they would lie to the American public about speaking to Russians,” said the war criminal, who lied about Iraq having WMDs.  The implicated group of liars was quick to deflect that the real liars were the lying news media and his lying opponent, who continues to lie since losing the election, as a result of her extensive history of lying.   “I just hope this investigation can get to the truth,” lied an intelligence official, with a smirk on his face.

Man Starts Blog, World Response: “How Long Will That Last?”

DOYLESTOWN, PA.  Local writer, James Martin, set to the blogosphere earlier this month, when he created a personal blog.  “But really,” the world responded, “how long do you think that will fucking last?”  The world’s concerns deepened when Martin elaborated as to the nature of the posts he would be publishing: “It’s just, like, a place for me to write whatever is on my mind and just get it out into the world.”  The world collectively rolled their eyes, asking, “So you expect this to last about a month or two, then?”  Martin appeared determined to not shut down the blog just yet, claiming, “I feel like this could be a chance for me to gain a readership, which will help when I publish my novel.”  However, as of press time, there was still not a new blog posted for the weekend, to which the world responded, “Mmmhmmm.”

TSA Agent Convinced 80-Year-Old Lady Hiding Bomb in Vagina

TSA Agent, Mary Shelling, pulls Agatha Betsey into enhanced vaginal screening. (Photo: ABC News)

PHILADELPHIA, PA.  TSA Agent, Mary Shelling, pulled 80-year-old, Agatha Betsey, for enhanced screening, convinced the suspect harbored an explosive device within her vagina, claiming with valiant authority, “The machine beeped!”  Other TSA Agents assisted in holding Betsey and bending her over for a comprehensive probing of cavities.  “You know what they say at TSA training,” Shelling mused in the middle of the screening, “‘if there isn’t a bomb in her vagina, it’s probably up her stinky, so double check with two fingers and a pinky.’”  Shelling continued while demonstrating, with her hand, what it looks like.  “In the locker room we call that ‘the shocker,’ but professionally, we call it ‘routine procedure,’” she said, pointing at the interviewer, who immediately regretted shaking her hand.  Our interview ended abruptly when Shelling dashed across the terminal screaming, “For Christ sake, someone check that infant’s anus for explosives!”  It is unclear as to whether any bombs were found in Betsey’s vagina, however, as of press time, she was still in custody, as TSA Agents stood in line to take turns thoroughly checking.

I Can’t Wait For Summer, So I Can Take a Break from Defunding Schools

Devos stares longingly out the window, while idly signing off on cuts to education.  (Photo by Getty Images)

[OPINION] Betsy Devos, WASHINGTON D.C.

There’s seriously only a month left of school and I can’t stop looking out the window of the Department of Education and daydreaming about going outside, instead of being stuck here, withering away the education budget.  It’s so boring here now that it’s getting warmer.  Who can even think about how to over-charge for an unaccredited, useless degree, now that spring flowers are blooming?

I feel an over-whelming sense of lethargy when it comes to defending sexual predators on campus, whereas I had more ambition to do so at the beginning of the year.  Likewise, when last semester started, letting for-profit colleges off the hook for defrauding students filled my life with purpose; now it’s just another tedious task in my endless schedule.

What no one told me about Washington D.C., is that there is a steep learning curve to politics around here.  But there aren’t enough available resources for me to learn how to effectively defund public education.  I mean, just the other day, I had to buy my own sharpie to cross out protections for disabled and trans students.  Don’t get me wrong, I love undercutting civil rights; it’s a difficult process, and I feel brighter and whiter for it.  I just need a break.  I know that come September, after a relaxing summer break in the Hamptons, I’ll be rejuvenated and ready to reform the Sciences to remove the part about science.

If the World Ends Before New Rick & Morty, I’ll Be So Pissed

Marcus Calloway sits down to discuss his trepidation about the end of the world.

[Opinion] Marcus Calloway, DENVER, CO 

If you’re like me, your life was nearly completed upon the announcement of 70 (seventy) new Rick & Morty episodes.  But of course, with my luck, they announce new Rick & Morty episodes on the eve of World War III.   Now I, like most of you, am totally open-minded toward the apocalypse.  In fact, if Season 4 of Rick & Morty had been cancelled, I’d be ready right now to end this fucking universe and start all over.

If Trump and Netanyahu wanted to start World War III last week, we all would have been totally cool with it – but now, it’s like, we finally have something to live for again, if only a few more years.  I swear, if the world ends before new Rick & Morty episodes come out, I’ll be so pissed.  I think we can all agree that an eternal afterlife with more than 100 episodes of Rick & Morty doesn’t sound so bad.  However, I personally, can’t even express how fuming mad I would be, if forced into an afterlife, in which 70 promised episodes of Rick & Morty had never come to pass.

I mean, c’mon, we’ve already made it a couple thousand years as a species, I think we can tolerate each other for just a fraction of that, until Rick & Morty is finally cancelled; at which point, let the bombs drop, ‘cause I’m done with this shit hole of a planet.