So, I know that I told everyone that the Russian government was responsible for rigging the karaoke competition of 2018 at Finny’s Pub in Doylestown, PA, and I was super convinced it was true, but it turned out to be a bunch of phony-bologna, you guys. I have now won two karaoke competitions in a row, since my loss on that fateful day. Which leads me to the conclusion that Russia was not involved in karaoke collusion, because why would they rig it in my favor?
Unless they knew I was onto their trail, here at THE BOUNDARY-BENDING BLOG, the only fucking news source covering this, now re-emerging, critically-important story. The Russians knew I was reporting on their karaoke deception, so now they have rigged the process in my favor in hopes of shutting me up. Well folks, I’m here to tell you that my integrity can’t be bought. Well, I mean, at first I was here to tell you that it was all just gas because I won, but as soon as I typed the words, “Russia was not responsible,” I knew that couldn’t be true and there was a hidden angle to grasp at. I just figured it out in real-time.
At first, the realization that Russia wasn’t responsible for rigging the 2016 competition made me somberly reflect that my loss was due to my own merits as a karaoke singer, which was too painful to address as a possibility. But now, the prospect that I never truly won either of those karaoke competitions and that Russia was fixing it in my favor, makes me feel even worse. It’s like, even when I win, I can never truly win. All because of the discord sown by Russia, America’s most democratic process of karaoke competitions will never be safe. Russia’s malice will not be satiated until we’re all karaoke communists! I can’t believe I didn’t figure out their plan to buy my silence earlier.
Again, I did win a karaoke competition, this time I won a bike, and no this awesome bribe will not make me shill for the CIA’s #1 foreign adversary, so forget it, Vlady-boy. I’ll gladly live through another full-blown Cold War for truth, democracy and most importantly, for karaoke!
Paul Manafort, Donald Trump’s former campaign chairman, has agreed to cooperate with Robert Mueller’s inquiry into Russian interference of countless karaoke competitions across the nation, a move that has escalated speculation of impeachment in Washington.
Manafort pleaded guilty to two criminal charges on Friday morning and struck a plea deal agreeing to assist special counsel Robert Mueller’s inquiry into Russian interference in thousands of karaoke competitions across the nation since 2016, including the karaoke competition at Finny’s Pub in Doylestown, PA on August 23rd, 2018. The plea agreement set out how Manafort must turn over documents and brief officials about “his participation in and knowledge of all criminal karaoke activities”.
The Sunday politics shows were duly dominated by talk of growing peril for Trump following Manafort’s dramatic moment in court.
Adam Schiff, the leading Democrat on the House intelligence committee, told NBC’s Meet the Press: “Manafort is at the confluence of a number of pernicious interests. You’ve got the president working with a Jamaican beer company to set up fraudulent karaoke competitions, you’ve got the president himself aspiring to be karaoke king.
“You’ve got Manafort trying to transfer money from this Russian oligarch to Red Stripe … you have the Russians who want to have a relationship with the Trump campaign, they want to help Trump achieve his karaoke dreams. All those interests converge with Paul Manafort, so basically we want to know what can Manafort tell us about whether any of that was consummated.
“He’s trying to win at karaoke, they’re trying to rig competitions, the Russians are trying to help Trump. Was there a meeting of the minds? That goes to the heart of the collusion or conspiracy issue.”
Schiff added: “Manafort is a key person to help us unwind whether this was the most improbable string of unlikely karaoke coincidences or whether this was an active karaoke conspiracy.”
Trump defended himself, tweeting on Sunday morning: “The illegal Mueller Witch Hunt continues in search of a karaoke crime. There was never Collusion with Russia or Red Stripe, Hillary Clinton rigged those Karaoke Competitions, so the 17 Angry Democrats are looking at anything they can find. Very unfair and BAD for karaoke. ALSO, not allowed under the LAW!”
Ken Starr, the special prosecutor whose investigation of the Monica Lewinsky affair 20 years ago led to the unsuccessful impeachment of Bill Clinton, said on CNN’s State of the Union: “The Trump White House and the lawyers are taking a page from the Clinton playbook. Attack the prosecutor.”
He said the real significance of Manafort’s move was “we are much closer to getting the truth than we were before this plea”, calling it “terrific for the investigation and frankly the American people’s faith in karaoke competitions.”
Starr, who has just published a book about the investigation of Clinton, said Trump would be unwise to give Manafort a pardon. Asked if impeachment should happen, he said: “I hope not, because one of the lessons in the book is impeachment is hell. The country should not be taken through that just because someone lost a karaoke contest.
“The founding generation wisely knew that it was such a serious act that it would require a two-thirds majority in the Senate. Unless there is a growing national consensus that karaoke competitions should be a trusted pillar of American Democracy, then perhaps impeachment is doomed to fail and it’s just the wrong way to go.”
A CNN poll last week showed eight in 10 Democratic voters think Trump should be impeached immediately and, across the board, voters approve of handling of the investigation into Russian karaoke meddling.
The Alabama Democratic senator Doug Jones told CNN: “Clearly you have people close to the president of the United States who have committed crimes and that, in and of itself, is a problem. But rigging a karaoke competition is not necessarily an impeachable offence.”
Jones, fighting to hold a seat in deep Trump country, cautioned that any judgment on whether to proceed with impeachment must wait until Mueller completes his karaoke investigation.
“Just because we’ve seen people that surround the president have gone forward [to prosecution for karaoke-related crimes] doesn’t mean there should be impeachment hearings, not by any stretch,” he said. “Once we see the reports we’ll have to weigh those reports on their own to find out who really rigged that karaoke competition.”