Trump Responds to Russian Indictments: “Fake News”

In a series of tweets, the Trump administration has responded to allegations that Donald Trump himself colluded with the Russian government and Jamaican beer company, Red Stripe, to rig fraudulent karaoke competitions across America.  First he called the allegations, “Fake News,” then he continued by lambasting the sources of the dossier surrounding Karaokegate.

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In the tweet, President Trump claims that Red Stripe never gave him any information about karaoke competitions, and quickly deflects to his electoral opponent, as a strategy he often employs.  However, considering the context of the quote provided, one could conclude that Trump is defending his ties to Red Stripe, if only the information he received from Red Stripe and Russia had been through an intermediary.

The most troubling response to the dossier was when Trump specifically referenced The Boundary-Bending Blog as a purveyor of fake news and labelled this very blog, “the enemy of the people.”  Now that Trump has been caught red-handed working as a Russian operative to rig karaoke competitions across the nation, his only two strategies are to obfuscate and attack.

It’s unclear if Donald Trump is aware of the fact that my indictments are not legally binding, but at the very least, it’s pleasing to see that he is treating them as if they are, as I will continue to do until America’s faith in the democratic process of karaoke competitions is restored.

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What Happened At the Karaoke Competition?

I remember the feeling I had when I first learned that Russia had interfered in the karaoke competition, which I had so desired to win, like it was yesterday.  Because it was announced just yesterday.  But the more-than-a-week leading up to that moment was filled with trials and tribulations, which I had to come to terms with.

In the very moment that I lost the karaoke competition, I knew there was foul play afoot.  It was as if the entire bar asked at once, “Sam who?”  Even the karaoke DJ reaffirmed my suspicions of prejudice from the judges, though his ramblings about Russian accents in that moment didn’t register with me, because truthfully, I was hurt.

It’s not that I wanted the beer cooler with attached bottle opener.  Hell, I would have just given them the beer cooler if they really wanted it.  I just wanted to be number one at karaoke.  I mean, all the signs pointed to me winning, so you can imagine I was pretty devastated.  You see, this is now my third-consecutive time placing second in a karaoke competition.  These competitions only come around a few times a year, and I’ve been practicing songs almost every Thursday night, when Finny’s Pub hosts karaoke night.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to keep practicing and trying to earn that “number one at karaoke” title, which I so deserve.

Most of the week after losing the karaoke competition, I spent hiking in the dense woods of Pennsylvania.  I camped and backpacked when I had to, but mostly I just walked.  I felt like I had lost touch with reality and needed to realign myself.  I tried singing the songs I had sung the night of the competition, but I began to feel a sense of loathing toward those songs; I felt so naïve in thinking that song selection could win a karaoke competition.

By the end of the week, I had reintroduced myself into normal society and was ready to return to the karaoke stage.  My unnamed source inside Finny’s Pub continued to claim he had information about interference in the karaoke competition and what I immediately found strange was that the word Russia kept coming up.  Part of me wanted so badly for it to be true that I wasn’t responsible for my own loss, but addressed it with a grain of skepticism.  Within the next few hours, as the evidence began to pile up, I launched a full-throttle investigation into the potential of Russian interference in the karaoke competition.

That investigation continues and more and more revelations pour in everyday.  This is just the tip of the iceberg.  You can read all about my personal accounts of Russian meddling in my upcoming tell-all book, What Happened At the Karaoke Competition?

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“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 2

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EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon walks up to the bench where Coach McGuirk is sitting.

COACH MCGUIRK

Brendon, I’m glad you’re here.  Listen, buddy, I need your help on something – and you know what, all your little friends can help out, too.

BRENDON

You’re not going to make us put lotion on your varicose veins again, are you?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, Brendon, this is serious.  I have a girlfriend now.  I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life and it’s killing me inside, because soon Clara’s going to figure out that I’m not a real writer.

BRENDON

But didn’t you write that submission to the writer’s group?

COACH MCGUIRK

I did, Brendon, and it wore me out.  I’m like that chick who toured with The Rolling Stones and then afterward, her voice didn’t work anymore.  I’m spent, Brendon.  I’m a fraud.

BRENDON

So what do you want me to do?

COACH MCGUIRK

You’re a creative.  Your brain is still young and ambitious with the imagination that only comes from being really small; like the smile of a child, or something.

BRENDON

Coach, what are you talking about?

COACH MCGUIRK

You see? I can’t even form sentences anymore, my brain is cooked.  I need you to finish my novel, so I can submit it to the writer’s group, so Clara won’t dump me.

BRENDON

No, I don’t care if Clara dumps you.

COACH MCGUIRK

Please, Brendon, I hate writing so much.  I can’t do it anymore.

BRENDON

I hate writing even more.  Just ask Mr. Lynch how I do in English.

COACH MCGUIRK

I don’t need to talk to that guy.  I’ve seen your movie collection, Brendon.  You write scripts all the time.  You’ve written more in your short life than I’ve ever written in mine.

BRENDON

I’m in the fourth grade.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m going to tell you something you might not know about me, Brendon.  I dropped out of school in fourth grade, so my writing level is probably on par with yours.  You could just finish where I left off and no one will know the difference.

BRENDON

Why did you drop out of school?

COACH MCGUIRK

My father was an alcoholic and couldn’t hold down a job.  He was abusive and made me drop out to work in a textiles factory.

BRENDON

In the fourth grade?

COACH MCGUIRK

Luckily, I’ve always been freakishly large, so no one knew I was only thirteen.

BRENDON

You were thirteen in fourth grade?

COACH MCGUIRK

Cut me some slack, Brendon, I need your help on this.  I have the spirit and testosterone of James Bond, in the body of Jabba the Hutt, with the intellect of a fourth grader.  Have the pity on me my father never had.

BRENDON

I really don’t want to.  I already have too much homework.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’ll pay you.

BRENDON

How much?

COACH MCGUIRK

I have a whole stack of 20%-off coupons to Bogurt’s Frozen Yogurt.  That’s all I can afford right now.

BRENDON

I hate frozen yogurt.  It’s like, hey, yogurt, have you ever heard of ice cream?  It’s only better in every way.

COACH MCGUIRK

Fine, twenty dollars.

BRENDON

Sold!  But I’m not splitting it with Jason and Melissa.  You’ll have to bribe them separately.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m already regretting this.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 3