“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Field of Creams” – Scene 1

EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon approaches the bench where Coach McGuirk is typing on a laptop.  A soccer game is in progress.

BRENDON

Coach, we’re getting creamed out there.

COACH MCGUIRK

This isn’t news to me, Brendon, you get creamed every game.

BRENDON

So shouldn’t you try to give us some motivation instead of just sitting there?

COACH MCGUIRK

If my silent disapproval doesn’t motivate you, nothing will.

BRENDON

Nothing is what you’re already doing.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m writing, Brendon.  I’m a writer now.  Writers don’t waste time with motivation or deep thinking, it’s all on the surface.

BRENDON

I guess you don’t care if we lose then.

COACH MCGUIRK

No one cares if you lose, Brendon, they only care that you play.  I learned that writing; people don’t want to read anything that makes them think.  Thinking hurts, Brendon, people don’t like to do it.  Just write a corny love story and the masses will love you for it.

BRENDON

You want me to write a love story?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, I want you to get on the field and stop thinking about it.  And stop looking so terrified when the ball comes near you, the other kids can sense it.

BRENDON

It’s probably because their coach is so involved in the game.  Look how intense she is.

COACH MCGUIRK

Dammit, Brendon, you made me make eye contact.  Is she walking over here?

BRENDON

Yeah, she’s headed right for you.

COACH MCGUIRK

Crap, I don’t have time for this.

MANDY

What’s the hold up over here?  Who let this homeless guy on the field?

BRENDON

He’s not homeless, that’s our coach.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m a writer, thank you very much.

MANDY

Wait a minute.  John?  John McGuirk, is that you?

COACH MCGUIRK

Uhh, yeah.  And you are?

MANDY

It’s me, Mandy, from summer camp all those years ago.  I remember I had the biggest crush on you back then.

COACH MCGUIRK

You see Brendon, being a writer gets all the ladies riled up, I can hardly claw ’em off me.  I’m sorry, Miss, but I’m currently in a relationship.  I would say take a number, but I don’t have one of those number machines.  Maybe I should invest in one.

MANDY

Oh I don’t mean to give you the wrong impression.  It was actually you who made me realize I was gay.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?

MANDY

I realized that I was attracted to how round and supple your chest was, and I realized I liked boobs.

COACH MCGUIRK

Is that a fat joke?

MANDY

Oh, I don’t mean to be crude, I remember you were sensitive about your weight.  Oh, and the kids used to call you Mini Michelin cause it looked like a stack of tires when you took your shirt off.

BRENDON

Some things never change.

COACH MCGUIRK

This isn’t helping.

MANDY

Well, I just wanted to tell you that you were an inspiration to my life.

BRENDON

I wish he could be an inspiration to any of us.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hey, I’m a good coach.

MANDY

I have to agree with the kid, John.  From what I see, you have the motivational skills of a dead fish.

COACH MCGUIRK

Truth be told, I’m not really a coach.  I’m a writer.

MANDY

Really?  Do you have anything published?

COACH MCGUIRK

Well, no.  I’m not making money as a writer yet, which is why I still need the coaching job.

MANDY

So truth be told, you’re not really a writer.  You’re a coach, coach.

COACH MCGUIRK

How dare you.  Just for that, I’m writing you into my story and you’re not gonna like how I portray you.

MANDY

Are you going to keep in the part where I’m a way better coach than you?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, marshmallow lava is way too quick of a death for you.

MANDY

No you’re right, it would be too hard for you to portray a decent coach, since you have no idea what it’s like to be one.

COACH MCGUIRK

You’d love for me to prove you wrong, wouldn’t you?  I’m not falling for it.

BRENDON

(to Mandy)

Can you just be our coach, too?

COACH MCGUIRK

Dammit, Brendon, stay out of this.

MANDY

No he’s right.  I’ll coach both teams and you sit there and take notes on what a coach is supposed to do.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s it!  I’ll show you what a coach is supposed to do.

Coach McGuirk slams his fists on the table and stands up.

COACH MCGUIRK

Brendon, get on the field!  Melissa, why are your shoes off?

MELISSA

Because I like how the grass feels on my toes.

COACH MCGUIRK

Put your shoes back on!  Why is no one in the goal?  Walter, get in the goal!

WALTER

Only if Perry can be goalie with me.

COACH MCGUIRK

There can only be one goalie, so Perry stays on the field.

WALTER AND PERRY

Nooooo!

PERRY

I won’t let you go!

WALTER

Never let go!

COACH MCGUIRK

Fine, Brendon, get in the goal.  Brendon, why did you take your shoes off?

BRENDON

Melissa’s right, the grass feels good on your toes.

COACH MCGUIRK

What the hell are you people doing?

BRENDON

Hey, I’m just taking your advice and trying not to think about it.

WALTER AND PERRY

Shoes off!  Shoes off!

COACH MCGUIRK

(to Mandy)

Fine!  You coach them.  I’ll be on the bench putting words to how unflattering your personality is.

MANDY

Hey, coach, let’s make a deal.  You want time to write, I want to see the inspiring John I used to know.  Show these kids the Mini Michelin I know and love.

COACH MCGUIRK

Please stop saying that.

MANDY

I’m here for the rest of the week.  If you coach one game where you give it your all, and you win, I’ll coach your team for the rest of the week.

COACH MCGUIRK

And if I lose?

MANDY

Then you take off your shirt and show me that stack of tires.  And I’ll still coach your team for the week.

COACH MCGUIRK

Jesus Christ.  Fine.  But don’t expect me to spare you from the marshmallow lava.

MANDY

I told you I’m a lesbian.  I’m not interested in your ejaculate.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Field of Creams” – Scene 2

Advertisement

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 1

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Brendon sits in the back of the classroom drawing, while Mr. Lynch teaches at the front.  Brendon is drawing a picture of Mr. Lynch being usurped by the students in dramatic revolutionary-war style.

MR. LYNCH

Brendon?  Brendon?  Brendon!

BRENDON

The answer is 1776, the revolution began.

MR. LYNCH

No, I asked you to read the freewrite you’ve been working on the entire class period.

BRENDON

This isn’t history class?

MR. LYNCH

No, Brendon, this is English class.

BRENDON

Oh, that explains a lot.

MR. LYNCH

Brendon, I’m starting to get the impression that you’re not enthused about writing.

BRENDON

You’re just getting that impression now?

MR. LYNCH

That’s it, Brendon.  I’m mandating that you submit to this year’s writing competition.

BRENDON

What?  That nerd-o read-a-thon with all the kids that wear glasses?

MR. LYNCH

Hmm, I guess they do all wear glasses.

BRENDON

I just wouldn’t fit in with that crowd.  We come from different worlds, them with glasses, me without glasses.

MR. LYNCH

You’re doing it, Brendon.

BRENDON

No no no, what do you call this?  Extracurricular activity?  No thank you.  Keep that extra because all my school activities are strictly curricular.

MR. LYNCH

Not anymore.  Your participation grade is non-existent, so if you don’t participate in the writing competition, I’m failing you.

BRENDON

What?  When is the deadline?

MR. LYNCH

Next Friday.

BRENDON

That is not nearly enough time for me to sit down and write something.

MR. LYNCH

That is not my problem.  It’s just a twenty page minimum to submit.  I know you can handle that.

BRENDON

And what if I can’t handle it?  Do you really want that on your conscience?

MR. LYNCH

I think I’ll manage.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 2

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 2

(Picture Source: Adult Swim)

INT. BRENDON’S BASEMENT – NIGHT

Brendon stands behind the camera.  Jason and Melissa stand in front of the camera, Jason in an over-sized suit, holding a cup of coffee, Melissa in a barista apron.

BRENDON

And action!

MELISSA

Brendon, you didn’t give us a script.

BRENDON

I know that, I’m trying something different.

MELISSA

Well how am I supposed to know what my lines are if I don’t have a script?

BRENDON

Melissa, this is all part of the process, okay?

JASON

Um, Brendon?

BRENDON

Yes, Jason?

JASON

Who am I again?

BRENDON

You are the famous American musician, Moby.

JASON

And why am I upset about my cup of coffee?

BRENDON

Well, it’s less about the coffee itself, and more about the fact that Moby is being a dick right now.

JASON

And why am I being a dick?

MELISSA

Brendon, have you ever read Moby Dick?

BRENDON

Yes I have, Melissa.  What’s your point?

JASON

This is based on a book?

MELISSA

You know this isn’t what the book is about, right?

BRENDON

Yes Melissa, I know that.

JASON

It’s not?

MELISSA

No, Jason.  It’s about a whale.

JASON

Why is Moby mad at a whale?  I never thought Moby was a mad guy, I’m confused.

MELISSA

No, Moby’s not in the book, Jason.

JASON

So then why am I dressed like Moby?

MELISSA

Ask Brendon.

BRENDON

Look, I just thought, all of our other movies had scripts, why not try to make one without a script, you know?

MELISSA

You mean improvise?

BRENDON

Yes, exactly!

MELISSA

But then we’re writing the script, Brendon.  And it was your job to write the script.

BRENDON

I understand that, Melissa, and maybe this is a learning process for everyone.

JASON

Brendon, I’m already sweating a lot as it is.

BRENDON

Uh huh.

JASON

I’m just worried I’m gonna ruin your dad’s suit if I get nervous on what to say.

BRENDON

Just give it a shot, you guys will be great!  Let’s start with Moby flipping out about the cup of coffee.

JASON

Wait, so Moby isn’t in the book, right?

BRENDON

Yeah, we already went over this.

JASON

Oh, so this is like a parody, like a play on words, using Moby to make fun of the book, since he’s not in the book.

BRENDON

That’s about right.

JASON

Oh, okay, I get it now.

BRENDON

And action!

JASON

Oy!  You listen here, pretty!  This is the worst blimey roast of cuppah I’ve ever tasted in me whole bloody life!

MELISSA

Whoa.  I mean, sorry, sir.  I can remake that for you.

JASON

Um.  No!  Nothing you can do can make this better!  I just want you to have to stand there, while I yell about this coffee.

MELISSA

Moby, you’re such a dick.

BRENDON

And cut!  I think that was some of our best work, you guys.  I don’t know where that accent came from, Jason, since Moby isn’t British, but I really liked it.

JASON

It came from within me.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 3