“Home Movies” Spec Script – “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 4

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S BEDROOM – DAY

Coach McGuirk has changed into a suit and is fixing his bow tie in the mirror.

COACH MCGUIRK

God, I am so annoyed that this fits perfectly.  And why the hell did they give me a bow tie?  I look like a waiter!

Coach McGuirk turns around and notices Brendon.

COACH MCGUIRK

Dammit, Brendon, I told you to stop filming me.

BRENDON

I can’t stop now, it’s just starting to get good.  Besides, they told me to get out of the way while they set up.

COACH MCGUIRK

Set up?

Coach McGuirk looks out the window and sees people setting up rows of chairs.

COACH MCGUIRK

This can’t be happening.  I literally can’t escape.  This is worse than being at the textiles factory.

They hear the front door slam shut.

LAVERNE

Johnny?  Where are you poopsikins?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh my God, that’s mother.  Hide me, Brendon, quick!

Coach McGuirk tries fitting under the bed.  Brendon sets down the camera and tries to push him.

BRENDON

I’m trying, you don’t fit.

LAVERNE

(getting closer)

Johnny?  Where’s mamma’s little marshmallow?

COACH MCGUIRK

This isn’t going to work, Brendon, pull me back out.

Brendon yanks on Couch McGuirk’s suit.

BRENDON

I can’t, you’re stuck.

LAVERNE

(closer)

Johnny?!  Mommy missed you!

COACH MCGUIRK

This is a nightmare!  I gotta get out of here!

Brendon picks up the camera.  Coach McGuirk claws his way out from under the bed and darts for the closet by the door.  Just then, Laverne sticks her head through the doorway.

LAVERNE

Where’s Johnny?!!

Coach McGuirks falls backward into the closet and screams at the top of his lungs.  He tries to get away but he’s stuck in the closet.  Laverne is dressed up with a big fluffy feather boa.

LAVERNE

Dawww!  Aren’t you adorable in your wittle outfit!  Get out here so mommy can get a good look.

COACH MCGUIRK

I can’t!

LAVERNE

Oh, is my Johnnyboy stuckie-wuckie again?  Dawww.  You better unstuck yourself before you father walks in.  You know he will call the fire department.

Coach McGuirk strains and falls out of the closet onto the floor and stands up.

COACH MCGUIRK

He does love getting a crowd together to laugh at me.

LAVERNE

Au contraire, Johnny.  This is your last chance to redeem yourself in the eyes of your father.  When he gets here, you will respect him and you will sit silently while your brother gets married.  And don’t McGuirk anything up this time!  Your father will not suffer another embarrassment to his name; but he’s willing to forgive you – if you don’t mess up.

COACH MCGUIRK

Papa?  I mean, yes, mother.  Anything you say, mother.  Can I get you a drink, mommy?

Laverne slaps Coach McGurik in the face.

LAVERNE

I had three gins in the car.  What, are you trying to get your mother drunk?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, mommy.

LAVERNE

I need to sober up for the wedding.  Get me a peach schnapps on the rocks.

Coach McGuirk runs out of the room.

LAVERNE

And who is this handsome photographer?  You look like a young Fredrick Scott Archer, hunny.

BRENDON

How old are you?

LAVERNE

Nevermind that.  Stand your tiny little self on that bed over there.  I refuse to be filmed from a low angle.

Brendon stands on the bed.

LAVERNE

There.  I’m ready for my close-up Mr. Demille.  You better zoom in closer, I’m too big for those tiny pictures.

Coach McGuirk returns with a mug for Laverne.

COACH MCGUIRK

Here, mommy.

LAVERNE

A coffee mug?  Are you kidding me?

COACH MCGUIRK

It’s all I have.

LAVERNE

You’re going to have to do better than that when your father gets here.

The door slams shut.

SHIRLEY

Laverne!  Where are you?

LAVERNE

That’s him.  I’m in here, Shirley!

BRENDON

Wait, your name is Laverne and his name is Shirley?

SHIRLEY, a large grey-haired man, enters the room.

SHIRLEY

We got married before that show ever came out!  As if a man named Shirley doesn’t have enough problems to deal with.  What’s that camera?  Why are you filming me?

LAVERNE

Obviously, he’s the wedding photographer.  And, if you don’t mind, he was just in the middle of capturing my beauty.

SHIRLEY

Isn’t that the same thing that happened when that sea witch gave you legs?

LAVERNE

Shirley you can come up with a better retort than that.

SHIRLEY

You know I hate it when people use my name in a sentence!

LAVERNE

And I hate when you bring up my past.  Focus!  Your son is here.

SHIRLEY

Don’t you think I know that?  My only son is getting married, it’s the most important day of my life.

LAVERNE

Not him.  The other one.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hi, papa.

Coach McGuirk moves in for a hug.  Shirley denies him and refuses to look at him.

SHIRLEY

No.  If you manage to not completely disappoint me today, I will give you a brief moment of eye contact and that is all.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh my God, yes, thank you.

SHIRLEY

I gave my sons men’s names!  Steve and John!  And only one has lived up to that name.

Jamal enters the room.

JAMAL

Oh, great, the family is all here.  Why don’t ya’ll follow me and we’ll do a quick run-through.

SHIRLEY

What about Donna?

JAMAL

She’s already here, she’s right out back.

Laverne and Shirley follow Jamal out of the room.

SHIRLEY

At least I can count on two of my children.

COACH MCGUIRK

Help me, Brendon, please!  Call Child Protective Services!

BRENDON

No!  Look, your parents are a lot to handle, I get that, but they seem harmless to me.

COACH MCGUIRK

Harmless?  Do you see how they treat me?

BRENDON

I see how everyone treats you.  The teachers at school, the students, all the other teams we face and their coaches, everyone rips on you, how is this any different?

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, the teachers make fun of me, too?

BRENDON

Of course they do.  Now quit it with the sob story, I already got enough footage of that.

COACH MCGUIRK

What ever happens to me out there, Brendon, it’s on you.  I will destroy your documentary if you make me.  I never told my parents the truth of what you’re doing and I will sell you out so fast.

BRENDON

Okay, fine.  If things really start looking rough, I’ll help you, but right now you need to do that thing where you pretend to be an adult.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay, fine!  Let’s go, Brendon, and stay close to me.  I may need to use you as a human shield.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “A McGuirk In Progress” – Scene 5

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“Home Movies” Spec Script – “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 3

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S GARAGE – DAY

Brendon walks in and sees Steve and Jamal.

BRENDON

Oh, hello there.

JAMAL

Oh, hi!  I’m Jamal, Steve’s caretaker and assistant.

BRENDON

Oh wow, really?  I should probably interview you for my documentary.

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S GARAGE – DAY

The shot is set up confessional style, Jamal seated.

JAMAL

I’ve been working with Steve since his first novel and I’ve been on this crazy journey ever since.  It’s a pretty big change for Steve to visit his brother, but he was adamant that John attend his wedding.

BRENDON

Wait, Steve’s getting married?  Coach never told me that.

JAMAL

There was always a contentious sibling rivalry between John and Steve.  Steve really goes into detail about in his first autobiography titled, Is That A Pickle In That Jar?

BRENDON

Are you serious?  I have to read this.

JAMAL

Steve actually has a great sense of humor about his condition, which provides a unique perspective on dealing with hardship.

BRENDON

What do you think about his brother, John?

JAMAL

Well, I know that John struggled to maintain his weight, a job, a relationship.  It’s all kind of a sad tale, but given his brother lives in a jar, it’s easy to keep it in perspective.

Coach McGuirk barges in.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hey, I heard that!  You know, I’ve been dealing with people like you my whole life.  I wish I lived in a jar!  It would protect me from all of you and I’d have healthcare!

Coach McGuirk walks up to Steve.

COACH MCGUIRK

How could you do this to me Steve?  How could you call mom and dad behind my back?

Steve beeps a few times.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, get off your high horse, Steve.  You were always the favorite child and you know it!

Steve beeps a few more times.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, it’s so easy for you, isn’t it, Steve?  Your jar is on the outside so nothing can touch you, but my jar is in here.

Coach McGuirk points to his chest.

COACH MCGUIRK

My jar is deep under the surface and all my emotions are bottled up inside and no one can get in.

JAMAL

How much glass did you eat at the textiles factory?  A whole jar?  God damn!

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, what did you tell people about me, Steve?

JAMAL

He’s written five novels, John.  Have you never read your brother’s work?

COACH MCGUIRK

What I was actually supposed to read it?  I thought just saying you read something and that it was great was the polite thing to do.  That’s what I would have wanted.

Jamal hands a book to Coach McGuirk.

JAMAL

Here, take a look for yourself.

Coach McGuirk opens the book.

COACH MCGUIRK

Per – pre – prek…

Jamal reads over Coach McGuirks shoulder.

JAMAL

Precipitation.

COACH MCGUIRK

You read it!

Coach McGuirk gives the book back to Jamal and he reads from it.

JAMAL

Precipitation began to form on the inside of all the car windows, like a salty sauna.  My brother John was radiating sweat from terror, as they drove him back to the factory, the worst of which I was spared, given my jar was all fogged up from his panic.  All I could do was beep.  So I just kept beeping.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay, stop reading!  What part of I’m moving to a new town and repressing the last forty years do you not understand, Steve?

Steve beeps a few times.

COACH MCGUIRK

I know that, Steve, I really appreciate you’re getting married before me, but could your wedding not destroy my life?  I finally have something good going for myself here.

Coach McGuirk starts crying.

COACH MCGUIRK

We’re the same, Steve.  We’re both writers and we both have women in our lives who we’re in love with.  You can’t ruin this for me!

There’s a knock at the door.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, no, that’s them, I know it!

BRENDON

Coach, you know I’m filming all of this, right?  You’re really embarrassing yourself.

JAMAL

Yeah, John, relax.  They shouldn’t be here yet.

Brendon leaves the room to check the door, sees CLARA at the door and then goes back to the garage.

BRENDON

Actually, Coach, I think it’s your girlfriend.

COACH MCGUIRK

No, she can’t see me like this.

BRENDON

Well, she’s standing at the door, so what should I do?  I can shoo her off for you after I get her to sign a waiver.

COACH MCGUIRK

Sign a waiver, what are you talking about?

BRENDON

Well, yeah, so she can be in my documentary.

COACH MCGUIRK

Forget it with the documentary!

BRENDON

I’m liable to legal action if I show her face without permission!

COACH MCGUIRK

Well then blur it out or something!

BRENDON

That would infringe the integrity of my documentary!

COACH MCGUIRK

She was only in it for a second!

There’s a knock again at the door.

COACH MCGUIRK

Forget it, I’ll answer.

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S KITCHEN – DAY

Coach McGuirk opens the door.  Brendon follows with the camera.

CLARA

Darling!  I’m so excited for today!

COACH MCGUIRK

Clara, the love of my life, what are you doing here?  And why are you so dressed up.

CLARA

I’m here for the wedding, silly.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wedding?  That’s today?

CLARA

Yeah, Jamal called and told me, I assumed you knew.

COACH MCGUIRK

Jamal?  Why didn’t you tell me?

JAMAL

Steve said we had to spring it on you all at once.  He knew you’d try to flee if you knew in advance.

COACH MCGUIRK

Steve!?

JAMAL

Here’s your suit, John, go put it on and everything will be okay.

Jamal hands Coach McGuirk an over-sized suit.

COACH MCGUIRK

Is it even tailored to my size?

JAMAL

I just got the largest possible option for everything, it should be fine.

CLARA

Yeah, babe, it’s your brother’s wedding, it’s going to be beautiful.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay.  I’m fine.  This is fine.  Everything happening here is completely normal.  I’m not going to climb out the window.  This is great.

Steve beeps twice.

JAMAL

Great.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 4

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 2

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S KITCHEN

Brendon looks into the camera lens.  Piano music playing.

BRENDON

Well thank God it isn’t broken.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t thank God, Brendon, thank me for not dropping it too hard.  You’re welcome.

BRENDON

I can’t believe you would do that.  You have no respect.  I can’t just buy another camera.

COACH MCGUIRK

You’re right, I’m sorry.  I really respect you, Brendon.  I’m glad you never told me the music you like.  I’m really enjoying this respect we share.

BRENDON

I like Coldplay.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh God, why did you have to say that?  You’re not going to put piano music over me speaking are you?

Piano music stops playing.

BRENDON

Um, no.

COACH MCGUIRK

I can’t take that risk.  Give me the camera, Brendon.

BRENDON

No!  Get away from me!

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m taking control of this documentary!

BRENDON

Actually, Steve and I had a different idea.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?  You two schemed behind my back?  This is fourth grade all over again.

BRENDON

Which time through fourth grade?

COACH MCGUIRK

What?  Every time.  Stop asking stupid questions and tell me what you’re up to.

BRENDON

Alright.  I talked to Steve’s assistant and got a hold of your parents.  They’re on their way over here now.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?  This documentary was going to be about how I’m an awesome writer.  How could you do this to me, Brendon?  You have no idea how they treat me.

BRENDON

I just think it would be best if the four of you work this out.

COACH MCGUIRK

Best for who?

BRENDON

For the documentary.

COACH MCGUIRK

And who’s going to rescue me from the textiles factory this time, Brendon?  Huh?  Child Protective Services won’t help me anymore.

BRENDON

You’re not a child any more, Coach.  You can handle this.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s what they tell me!  And I say, well then someone needs to tell my parents that, because they…

There’s a knock on the door.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh God, that’s them!  This isn’t happening!  I can’t handle this.  I’m jumping out the kitchen window.

Coach McGuirk opens the kitchen window.

BRENDON

Chill out, it’s not you’re parents.

COACH MCGUIRK

Who is it, then?

Brendon opens the door.  Paula walks in.

PAULA

Hey, guys, how’s the documentary going?

BRENDON

Mom, what are you doing here?

PAULA

I brought some snacks for the production crew.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, can I have some?

PAULA

Of course, silly.

COACH MCGUIRK

Sweet.

Paula hands the snacks to Coach McGuirk and he starts eating.

PAULA

Go on and McGuirk it up.

BRENDON

What’s that mean?  McGuirk it up.

PAULA

Oh, it’s just this thing we used to say about John in high school.  Anyway, where’s Steve?  I thought I’d say hello while I’m here.

BRENDON

Oh, no you don’t, mom.  You’re not going to ruin my documentary by trying to engage in sex with my subject.

PAULA

Watch it, Brendon!  Steve doesn’t have sex in the typical fashion.  Steve is the kind of man who makes emotional love.

BRENDON

Oh my God, and you’re not doing that either!

Brendon shoos his mother to the door.

BRENDON

That’s all we need from you, Mom.  Thanks for the snacks, we’ll see you at the wrap party.  Oh, wait, there is no wrap party, so I guess we won’t see you.  Bye.

PAULA

Hey, wait!

Brendon closes the door.

BRENDON

Yeesh.  Moms, am I right, Coach?

Coach McGuirk is stuffing his face with the last of the chips and snacks.  He drops the empty garbage on the ground when he’s done with it.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh wait, your mom can help me with my parents.  She can save me when they try to send me to the textiles factory.

BRENDON

Relax, Coach.  No one is going to send you away.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh yeah?  Well, when they do, I’m taking you with me.  Last time the factory had closed down and they still locked me in there.  It was cold so my dad said, if you’re shivering so much, why don’t you knit yourself a sweater?  Because I’m a child!

BRENDON

Alright, I know you’d love for this documentary to be all about you, but I’m here to get to know Steve, your brother.  Can you do this for your brother?

COACH MCGUIRK

He can’t save me.  All he can do is beep a bunch of times.  It sounds like an alarm but it translates to no no no no no no no.

BRENDON

Alright, I’m going back to the garage to talk to Steve.

COACH MCGUIRK

No, Brendon, come back!

Brendon opens the door and leaves.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 3

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 1

CREDITS: A McGuirk in Progress

CREDITS: A Documentary by Brendon Small

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S GARAGE – DAY

Open on montage shots of Steve throughout his life.

V.O.

Born with all odds against him, Steve McGuirk had nothing but himself and his words.  A writer unable to write, unable to speak at all because he lives in a jar.  His only method of communication is two beeps for yes and one beep for no.

Enter Steve’s assistant holding an alphabet chart with a notepad in his lap.

V.O.

In order to write, Steve’s assistant will point to each letter on an alphabet chart.  If Steve responds with one beep, he points to the next letter; two beeps and he writes the letter down.  Steve has written five full novels using this tiresome method.

Steve sits alone in the garage.

V.O.

But that was his life back in New York, where accessible facilities and nurses make his work possible.  He has decided to take a hiatus to visit his brother John, a soccer coach at the end of his rope.

Enter Coach McGuirk.  Brendon is behind the camera.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hey, I told you to keep me out of your stupid documentary, Brendon.  I’ve had enough embarrassment in my life.

BRENDON

I can’t just leave you out of the documentary, it’s a documentary, it’s supposed to show the truth.  I can’t just make up a new brother for Steve.

COACH MCGUIRK

Ugh, fine, but you better make me look good.  I’m a writer, too, you know.

BRENDON

And how did it feel deciding to become a writer knowing the success your brother already had writing?

COACH MCGUIRK

What are you kidding me?  It was the most nerve wracking experience of my life.  With every word I wrote I could feel the ghost of my mother comparing me to Steve and judging me.

Steve beeps once.

COACH MCGUIRK

I know mother isn’t dead, Steve, but it sure as hell feels that way.  I bet she visits you all the time in New York.

Steve beeps twice.

COACH MCGUIRK

And I knew if I failed at writing, it would only fuel her disappointment in me and dad would try to send me back to the textiles factory again.  I don’t want to work there, dad, all the kids make fun of my scabs!

BRENDON

This is going to be a great documentary.

Steve beeps twice.

COACH MCGUIRK

You know what?  I change my mind.  I do want to be in your little documentary.  It’s about time people got to hear my side of the story.

BRENDON

Tell us your sad story.

COACH MCGUIRK

I had all the odds against me, Brendon.  My parents were against me, the entire school system was against me, they called me names.  The principle!  Called me names!  What kind of person does that?

BRENDON

Are you okay?

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m not an unteachable sack of sausages, you are!  I try to make friends but it would always end with me beating them up for their lunch money.  It wasn’t the lunch money I wanted, Brendon, it was the attention.

Steve beeps once.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay fine and I tend to stress eat.  And I have a long history of being stressed out, ever since mom left me at the mall for a week and I hid in clothes racks and ate trash.

Coach McGuirk grabs the camera out of Brendon’s hands and holds it up to his face.

BRENDON

Hey, give that back!

COACH MCGUIRK

But I’m here to tell you it gets better, kids.  I’m a writer now, I have a girlfriend, and uh I can’t think of a third thing, but my life is awesome now.  So never give up on yourselves, okay?  Who ever is putting you down, just get in their face and say, I’ll repeat fourth grade a thousand times if I want to, so you can add and subtract the division of my ass cheeks.  Mic drop.

Coach McGuirk drops the camera on the ground.  Brendon rushes to pick it up.

BRENDON

Hey!  My camera!

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 2

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Field of Creams” – Scene 2

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY

Brendon stands at the curb waiting for his mom to pick him up.  Coach McGuirk pulls up in his car.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hey, Brendon, let me give you a ride home.

BRENDON

Not if you make me pay for gas like last time.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t worry, buddy, this one’s on me.

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S CAR – DAY

Brendon gets in the car.

BRENDON

Cool, can I pick the radio station?

COACH MCGUIRK

No you can’t, Brendon.  Even if I had a working radio, I think I would respect you more not knowing the kind of music you listen to.  And I need that respect, Brendon, do you hear me?

BRENDON

Yeah.

COACH MCGUIRK

I know I’m good at hiding it, but that new soccer coach is really getting on my nerves.  I need you to get all your little friends together and make them all play well for just one game.

BRENDON

You mean coach them?

COACH MCGUIRK

More or less.

BRENDON

But aren’t you the coach?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh I know!  Oh wait, I’m actually all out of expired frozen yogurt coupons.

BRENDON

You know what, Coach, I don’t know what you’re offering, but I pass.  I just got done writing for you and being your prostitute.

COACH MCGUIRK

What did I tell you about using that word around me?

BRENDON

It’s time that I focus on what I want.  This time when I sell myself, it’s gonna be to me.

COACH MCGUIRK

And what is it that you want, Brendon?

BRENDON

I want to make an independent documentary that takes the festival circuit by storm.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, well then, I just may have the perfect subject matter for your little documentary.

BRENDON

Really?

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S GARAGE – DAY

The garage door opens to reveal Coach McGuirk and Brendon on the other side.

BRENDON

Whoa, what is that?

COACH MCGUIRK

Brendon, that’s my twin brother, Steve.

In front of them is a glowing tank with a deformed fetus-looking person inside.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t be rude, Brendon, say hello.

BRENDON

Is he alive?

COACH MCGUIRK

Yes he’s alive and he has better health insurance than I’ll ever have.  Sometimes one twin will try to devour the other twin in the womb.  I was only half successful in that process.  Anyway, being the dominant twin, it turns out, doesn’t come with government-mandated healthcare.

BRENDON

Hey, Steve.  Does Steve ever talk back?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, he just kinda floats in there.  I tell him jokes and you can tell he’s laughing because he really starts bobbing around.

Steve beeps once.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, yeah, and he beeps once for no, two for yes.

BRENDON

Will Steve let me make a documentary about him?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh yeah, Steve was always the center of attention in our house growing up.  It was always Steve this, Steve that.  Steve’s so amazing, why can’t you be more like Steve?  Because I’m my own person, okay, Mom!

BRENDON

Whoa.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m sorry.  It was just always stiff competition growing up in Steve’s shadow.

BRENDON

Alright fine, I’ll help you, Coach.  Now will you take me home?  I need to ask my mom if I ever had a Steve.

COACH MCGUIRK

There are no other Steves, Brendon.  Steve is the only Steve.

BRENDON

He’s one lucky guy.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh crap, Brendon, I’m out of gas.  Throw me a five and I’ll get you home.

BRENDON

I can walk from here.

COACH MCGUIRK

Great.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Field of Creams” – Scene 3