“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 5

INT. STROMBOLI OLIE’S – NIGHT

Coach McGuirk sits at a table across from Clara.

CLARA

Thanks for inviting me to dinner, John.  It’s so great to be able to sit down with other writers and talk about writing.

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, you know me, I love writing so much, I can hardly stand it.

CLARA

I’m so fascinated by your novel.  It’s so sexy when a man can come up with good ideas and turn them into words on a page.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about, Clara.  You see, I’m not the person you think I am from my novel.

CLARA

What, do you think I’m stupid?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, I…

CLARA

I know you’re not a secret double agent, John, I know it’s just a book.  You’ve never killed a whale with your bare hands, you probably don’t have a yacht, and there’s no such thing as marshmallow volcano lava.

COACH MCGUIRK

What?  Of course there is.  It’s not that, Clara.  The truth is, I’m not a real writer.  What I submitted was the most I’ve ever written in my entire life and I plan to keep it that way.

CLARA

I see.  That certainly changes things.

COACH MCGUIRK

It does?

CLARA

Big time.  Unfortunately, I’m only attracted to writers, so if that’s not you, I may have gotten my hopes up.

COACH MCGUIRK

There’s gotta be another way.  I like you so much, there has to be a way we can make this work.

CLARA

Well, truth be told, I haven’t been honest with you either, John.

COACH MCGUIRK

You haven’t?

CLARA

Yes, I’m an aspiring author, but I’m also a prostitute, John.

COACH MCGUIRK

Uhh, wait, what?

CLARA

I’m a prostitute, John.  So you can have me if you can afford me.

COACH MCGUIRK

And how much is that?

Clara leans over the table and whispers in his ear.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh.  Is there any chance you would accept 20%-off coupons to Bogurt’s Yogurt?

CLARA

That’s a confirmed no on the yacht, huh?

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait a minute.  I did write what I submitted.  You’re telling me, all I have to do is keep writing and you’ll be my girlfriend?

Clara smiles.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 6

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“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 2

EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon walks up to the bench where Coach McGuirk is sitting.

COACH MCGUIRK

Brendon, I’m glad you’re here.  Listen, buddy, I need your help on something – and you know what, all your little friends can help out, too.

BRENDON

You’re not going to make us put lotion on your varicose veins again, are you?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, Brendon, this is serious.  I have a girlfriend now.  I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life and it’s killing me inside, because soon Clara’s going to figure out that I’m not a real writer.

BRENDON

But didn’t you write that submission to the writer’s group?

COACH MCGUIRK

I did, Brendon, and it wore me out.  I’m like that chick who toured with The Rolling Stones and then afterward, her voice didn’t work anymore.  I’m spent, Brendon.  I’m a fraud.

BRENDON

So what do you want me to do?

COACH MCGUIRK

You’re a creative.  Your brain is still young and ambitious with the imagination that only comes from being really small; like the smile of a child, or something.

BRENDON

Coach, what are you talking about?

COACH MCGUIRK

You see? I can’t even form sentences anymore, my brain is cooked.  I need you to finish my novel, so I can submit it to the writer’s group, so Clara won’t dump me.

BRENDON

No, I don’t care if Clara dumps you.

COACH MCGUIRK

Please, Brendon, I hate writing so much.  I can’t do it anymore.

BRENDON

I hate writing even more.  Just ask Mr. Lynch how I do in English.

COACH MCGUIRK

I don’t need to talk to that guy.  I’ve seen your movie collection, Brendon.  You write scripts all the time.  You’ve written more in your short life than I’ve ever written in mine.

BRENDON

I’m in the fourth grade.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m going to tell you something you might not know about me, Brendon.  I dropped out of school in fourth grade, so my writing level is probably on par with yours.  You could just finish where I left off and no one will know the difference.

BRENDON

Why did you drop out of school?

COACH MCGUIRK

My father was an alcoholic and couldn’t hold down a job.  He was abusive and made me drop out to work in a textiles factory.

BRENDON

In the fourth grade?

COACH MCGUIRK

Luckily, I’ve always been freakishly large, so no one knew I was only thirteen.

BRENDON

You were thirteen in fourth grade?

COACH MCGUIRK

Cut me some slack, Brendon, I need your help on this.  I have the spirit and testosterone of James Bond, in the body of Jabba the Hutt, with the intellect of a fourth grader.  Have the pity on me my father never had.

BRENDON

I really don’t want to.  I already have too much homework.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’ll pay you.

BRENDON

How much?

COACH MCGUIRK

I have a whole stack of 20%-off coupons to Bogurt’s Frozen Yogurt.  That’s all I can afford right now.

BRENDON

I hate frozen yogurt.  It’s like, hey, yogurt, have you ever heard of ice cream?  It’s only better in every way.

COACH MCGUIRK

Fine, twenty dollars.

BRENDON

Sold!  But I’m not splitting it with Jason and Melissa.  You’ll have to bribe them separately.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m already regretting this.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 3

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 6

(Original picture source: Adult Swim)

INT. MEETING ROOM – NIGHT

Coach McGuirk opens the door and walks in.  Three other men sit at the table in the room.

COACH MCGUIRK

Is this the writer’s group?

DEVIN

Yup, this is the Super Fun Writer’s Club!

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s what you call it?

DEVIN

What’s wrong with the name?

COACH MCGUIRK

Well, writing isn’t fun or super, so everything.  What about The Honey Pot-tential Authors?  That’s more relevant, huh?

DEVIN

What are you talking about?

COACH MCGUIRK

I guess you wouldn’t get it.  Hey, I was expecting a female to be here, her name is Clara.

DEVIN

Clara isn’t here yet, but I’m Devin, and this is Greg and Mark.  And you are?

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m John McGuirk.

GREG

John McGuirk?  So you named the main character after yourself, huh?

Greg and Mark laugh.  Coach McGuirk sits down.

COACH MCGUIRK

Um.

DEVIN

Alright guys, we haven’t started the review yet.  First, some ground rules.  Rule number one, you’re not allowed to speak while the group reviews you.  Rule number two is have fun.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh Jesus Christ.

DEVIN

And I’m a stickler for the rules, John.  So, let’s get started on your piece.  Greg, what did you think of John’s piece titled, Moby McGuirk?

GREG

I just have a question real quick.  Were you aiming for a crappier version of Moby Dick or is that just what you landed on?

COACH MCGUIRK

What kind of question is that?

GREG

Look, I just mean-

COACH MCGUIRK

You’re lucky Clara isn’t here yet, buddy.  If you talk to me like that when she’s here-

DEVIN

John, you can’t speak.

COACH MCGUIRK

I will follow you to your car, stalk you home, watch you for a few days or a week, until I figure out what you love most, by the looks of you, probably a cat.

GREG

Mr. Pickles.

DEVIN

John, I just want to remind you that you can’t speak during the review.

COACH MCGUIRK

He asked me a question.  So, yeah, don’t make me finish that sentence when — Clara you’re here!

Clara walks into the room and sits down.

CLARA

Sorry I’m late.  I’m so glad you could make it, John.

GREG

So glad.  We were just reviewing his novel.

COACH MCGUIRK

Let’s hear what the lady has to say, okay buddy, you had your chance.

DEVIN

John, remember, you can’t speak.

COACH MCGUIRK

I got it.

CLARA

Well at first, when I was reading it, I was confused.

GREG

See, that’s what I’m saying.

CLARA

But then I realized the genius behind it, how all great artists steal, and you have weaved the artists in your life into a beautiful mesh of raw passion.

Coach McGuirk and Clara move closer to each other.

COACH MCGUIRK

What else do you like about it, baby?

DEVIN

John, I want to remind you that-

COACH MCGUIRK

I heard you!  Can it already!

CLARA

When Double Agent John McGuirk erupts out of the marshmallow volcano, my breath was taken.

COACH MCGUIRK

I knew you’d like that.

CLARA

And I realized that whoever wrote this manuscript should be the father of my children.

GREG

Come again?

COACH MCGUIRK

Did you?

CLARA

And again.

COACH MCGUIRK

Kiss me.

Coach McGuirk and Clara start making out.

DEVIN

John, I just want to remind you that you’re not allowed to talk.

Coach McGuirk and Clara ignore him and keep making out.

DEVIN

John?  Clara?  Well what did everyone else think?

GREG

I honestly thought it was written by a fourth grader.

FADE TO BLACK.

CREDITS.

Continue to Episode 2: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 1

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 5

INT. BRENDON’S HOUSE – DAY

Brendon walks in the front door.

BRENDON

Mom, I’m home!  Coach wasn’t feeling well, or something, so practice was canceled!  Mom?

Brendon looks around the house until he finds his mom, Paula, in her room, dressed up and putting on makeup.

BRENDON

Mom?

PAULA

Oh, Brendon, I didn’t think you’d be home.

BRENDON

Yeah, practice was canceled.

PAULA

Well don’t you have friends to play with in the basement?

BRENDON

No, Melissa’s having an episode and Jason’s still embarrassed about what he did to Dad’s suit.

PAULA

Dad’s suit?  Brendon, you father hasn’t lived here for years, he didn’t leave a suit here.

BRENDON

Well then whose suit was hanging up in your closet?

PAULA

Maybe we should talk.

BRENDON

What? Mom, what are you-

PAULA

You see, Brendon, sometimes Mommies see other people after they get divorced.

BRENDON

What?  No, no, no, no, no.  No!  Bad!  That’s a bad Mommy!

PAULA

And he’s on his way over to pick up his suit.

BRENDON

Gasp!  I can’t believe you would lie to me like this!

PAULA

Brendon, I never lied to you.

BRENDON

Yes you did!  You’re sneaking around with other people and never told me!  That’s the same as lying.

PAULA

Would you just hear me out?

BRENDON

And what was he wearing if he didn’t have the suit on, Mom?

PAULA

Brendon.

BRENDON

Oh my god, I think I’m going to throw up.  What?  Did he just go home naked after he was done being naked all over you?

Brendon starts dry heaving.

PAULA

I didn’t lie to you, Brendon.  I just always happened to see him while you were at school, or soccer practice, or in the basement, and it just never came up.  You see, that’s not a lie, Brendon, it’s a misunderstanding in communication.

BRENDON

You are a tricky Mommy.  Now I know where I get it from.

PAULA

So you said the suit needs to be dry cleaned again?

BRENDON

Or burned.

PAULA

It’s that bad, huh?

BRENDON

Have you seen how much Jason sweats?  I think he has a problem.

PAULA

Alright, I’ll call Tony and tell him not to come.

BRENDON

No, bring Tony over, Mom, I want to meet Tony.  Heh.  Tony, my white whale.

PAULA

Brendon, what does that mean?

BRENDON

If you don’t get it, you don’t get it.

PAULA

No, I think I do get it and that’s why it worries me.  It makes me think you’re going to try to harpoon him with scissors or something.

BRENDON

Hey that’s a good idea, I was just going to pour a cup of coffee on his head.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 6

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 4

(Original picture source: Adult Swim)

EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon walks to the bench.  Coach McGuirk is sitting on the bench, resting his laptop on a soccer ball.  He is still writing.  He clearly hasn’t slept.

BRENDON

Coach?

COACH MCGUIRK

For art thou – what Brendon?!  Don’t interrupt me!

BRENDON

What are you doing?

COACH MCGUIRK

What does it look like?  I’m writing!  Never interrupt a writer, Brendon.

BRENDON

Why?

COACH MCGUIRK

What?  Do you just walk up to a firefighter and say, ‘hey, why are you putting out that burning building?’

BRENDON

No.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s right, no.  They stop to answer your little feeble-minded question, and in the mean time, people burn alive.  You want that on your hands?

BRENDON

No.

COACH MCGUIRK

Well, the burning building is my mind, Brendon.  Every second you waste yakking, it gets hotter and hotter.

BRENDON

What happened to marinating those idea pearls?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, get off your high horse, Brendon.  It’s not a good look for you.

BRENDON

Where does that cable go?

Brendon points to the extension cord attached to McGuirk’s laptop, which extends out of frame.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t worry about it and don’t bug me, I have three hours hours to finish this chapter.  Do you have any idea how long it takes to write?  I’ve been at it for fifteen hours and I’m barely at four and a half pages.

Brendon looks over Coach McGuirk’s shoulder.

BRENDON

Are you copying Moby Dick?

COACH MCGUIRK

Not anymore.  The book was just a jumping point, but I’ve reached a new plane and the ideas are excreting out of me faster than ever.

BRENDON

Reading is hard, too, huh?

COACH MCGUIRK

I couldn’t stomach another word of that garbage.

Coach McGuirk throws the book as hard as he can over the bleachers.

MELISSA

Ow!

Melissa walks into frame carrying the book.

MELISSA

Who threw this?  Was it you Brendon?

BRENDON

No, it wasn’t me, it was, uh, the wind.  Blew it right over there.

MELISSA

It’s not even windy, Brendon.

BRENDON

Oh, it was, just a moment ago.

MELISSA

Well now I don’t remember because I was just hit in the head by Moby Dick.

Melissa trips on the extension cord and falls down.

MELISSA

Ow!  What the?

Melissa stands up.

MELISSA

Coach this wire is a safety hazard.

COACH MCGUIRK

No it’s not.

MELISSA

Yes it is, I just tripped on it, it’s a hazard of safety.

COACH MCGUIRK

Well now you know it’s there and you won’t trip again.

MELISSA

No!  First I get hit with a Dick!

COACH MCGUIRK

Could you change the wording, please?

MELISSA

Then I trip on your computer wire.  This isn’t okay, I’m about to call Mr. Lynch over here.  Mr. Lynch!

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay, okay, Melissa.  Technically, I’m not allowed to have my laptop on the field.  But technically, girls aren’t allowed to play on the soccer team and I allow you to play any way.

MELISSA

Is that true?

COACH MCGUIRK

No.  But if it were, wouldn’t you appreciate me for that?

MELISSA

Yeah.

COACH MCGUIRK

Well there you go.  And technically, I threw the book that hit you in the head.  Hehe.

MELISSA

What?  Brendon you knew about this?  And you lied to me?

BRENDON

What?  No?

MELISSA

Why would you lie about something so trivial?

BRENDON

No I didn’t lie!  It was simply a misjudgment.  I had my back turned and I didn’t see it.  I really did think it was the wind.

MELISSA

Well you’d have to be pretty stupid to think that, it’s a really heavy book.

BRENDON

Okay, Melissa, I admit I am very stupid.

MELISSA

Well that’s true.  Okay I have to go.

Melissa exits frame.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wow, Brendon that was incredible.

BRENDON

What was?

COACH MCGUIRK

A female catches you in a lie and you dodge claiming stupidity.  Haha.  To think, fifty years of lying to women and I’m still learning new tricks.

BRENDON

So what are you writing about?

COACH MCGUIRK

James Bond, well it started out like Moby Dick, but Double Agent John McGuirk is way too cool to be stuck on some whaling boat sausage fest.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 5

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 3

INT. JOHN MCGUIRK’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Coach McGuirk sits on the floor, talking on the phone, his laptop propped up on a box.

COACH MCGUIRK

So, Clara, when will I see you again?

CLARA

You’re still coming to the writing group on Wednesday, right?

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, of course.

CLARA

Great, I’ll see you then.  You’re submitting part of your novel, right?

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, definitely.

CLARA

Great, just email it to me by Friday, so the group has enough time to read it.

COACH MCGUIRK

Friday?  That’s tomorrow.

CLARA

Is that a problem?

COACH MCGUIRK

Not at all, since I already wrote it.

CLARA

Great!  I’ll talk to you tomorrow then.

COACH MCGUIRK

Great.

Clara hangs up the phone and Coach McGuirk sighs heavily.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay, John, you got this.  Just read Moby Dick and copy down the good stuff and change anything you don’t like.  McGuirk it up a little.

Coach McGuirk opens the book Moby Dick, typing in his laptop as he goes.

COACH MCGUIRK

Let’s see here.  Chapter one.  Call me Ishmael.  Well that sucks.  Let’s change that to: Call me Coach McGuirk.  Wait, no.  Call me McGuirk, comma, John McGuirk.  Yeah, like James Bond did it; and look how much action he got.  Moving on.  Some years ago–never mind how precisely–having little or no money in my purse.  Purse?!  No, McGuirk doesn’t own a purse.  When does it get to the part about the boat?

Coach McGuirk flips through the book.

COACH MCGUIRK

Here we go.  The whaling voyage was welcome; the great flood-gates of the wonder-world swung open. Oh, that’s good.  That’ll swing open her flood gates.  I don’t even know what it means, but it’s good.  Let’s see, crap, I keep losing my place.  Here it is.  And in the wild conceits that swayed me to my purpose, two and two there floated into my inmost soul, endless processions of the whale.  Oh, yeah, that’ll get her wet.  She’ll be begging for the endless processions of my whale.  Mid most of them all, one grand hooded phantom – that sounds dope – like a snow hill in the air.  Hmm.  Okay, dial it down, Shakespeare.  We’ll change that to: like my private yacht, which I use to go on whaling expeditions.

Coach McGuirk turns the page.

COACH MCGUIRK

Alright, chapter two.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Moby McGuirk” – Scene 4

After Hours of Tinder Swiping, Woman Accepts No More Fish in Sea

Becca Bullwock locked in an hours-long swiping spree.  (Photo by Getty Images)

DOYLESTOWN, PA.  After nearly three hours of swiping left on Tinder, local woman, Becca Bullwock, has reached the conclusion that there are no more fish left in the sea.  “All the good ones are taken,” she said, as she described the stark reality of, “this new changing world, in which 70% the ocean’s fisheries have been obliterated by over-fishing.”  Bullwock let out a grievous sigh, weighted by the countless hours spent swiping “NOPE” on guys who don’t meet the bare-minimum requirements of having six-pack abs, a decent job, and a willingness to have children right fucking now.  “As soon as you find a fish you like, you find out he’s filled with micro plastics, or he has two heads from Fukushima radiation, or he still lives with his mother.”  Bullwock continued to explain how the tastiest fish have already been caught, “And then people wonder why shark attacks are on the rise; they’re like me, pissed they can’t find a goddamn fish.”  Creating an atmospheric soundtrack of sighs, Bullwock set down her phone, to recharge the dead battery.  “Maybe I should just be a lesbian.”