Karaokegate Turns Out To Be Baseless Conspiracy Theory, Or Is It?

2019-03-11-putinSo, I know that I told everyone that the Russian government was responsible for rigging the karaoke competition of 2018 at Finny’s Pub in Doylestown, PA, and I was super convinced it was true, but it turned out to be a bunch of phony-bologna, you guys.  I have now won two karaoke competitions in a row, since my loss on that fateful day.  Which leads me to the conclusion that Russia was not involved in karaoke collusion, because why would they rig it in my favor?

Unless they knew I was onto their trail, here at THE BOUNDARY-BENDING BLOG, the only fucking news source covering this, now re-emerging, critically-important story.  The Russians knew I was reporting on their karaoke deception, so now they have rigged the process in my favor in hopes of shutting me up.  Well folks, I’m here to tell you that my integrity can’t be bought.  Well, I mean, at first I was here to tell you that it was all just gas because I won, but as soon as I typed the words, “Russia was not responsible,” I knew that couldn’t be true and there was a hidden angle to grasp at.  I just figured it out in real-time.

At first, the realization that Russia wasn’t responsible for rigging the 2016 competition made me somberly reflect that my loss was due to my own merits as a karaoke singer, which was too painful to address as a possibility.  But now, the prospect that I never truly won either of those karaoke competitions and that Russia was fixing it in my favor, makes me feel even worse.  It’s like, even when I win, I can never truly win.  All because of the discord sown by Russia, America’s most democratic process of karaoke competitions will never be safe.  Russia’s malice will not be satiated until we’re all karaoke communists!  I can’t believe I didn’t figure out their plan to buy my silence earlier.

Again, I did win a karaoke competition, this time I won a bike, and no this awesome bribe will not make me shill for the CIA’s #1 foreign adversary, so forget it, Vlady-boy.  I’ll gladly live through another full-blown Cold War for truth, democracy and most importantly, for karaoke!

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Mueller Indicts Russians Who Gave Trump $2 Billion Free Ad Time

putin-mueller[WASHINGTON, D.C.] – Robert Mueller announced more indictments on Russians responsible for Hillary losing the 2016 presidential election.  “We finally indicted those Russians who gave Trump $2 billion in free ad time on mainstream American television,” Mueller announced, before indicating that the FBI was preparing additional indictments for Russians responsible for Trump’s 2016 win.  “We will soon announce indictments on the Russians who prevented Hillary from campaigning in Michigan and Wisconsin, and from there, we will target the Russians who created the Electoral College,” which caused Hillary to lose the election, even though she won 3 million more votes than her opponent.  He suggested that from there, the FBI investigation of Russian meddling could go on to include: The Russians who forced Hillary to chose Tim Kaine as her VP, the Russians who kept private her transcripts to Wall Street, and even the Russians who rigged the Democratic Primary against Bernie Sanders.  “If we let these Russians get away with stealing our elections,” Mueller added with un-ironic certainty, “they will do it again in 2018 and again in 2020.”