“Home Movies” Spec Script – “A McGuirk In Progress” – Scene 5

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EXT. COACH MCGUIRK’S BACKYARD – DAY

Coach McGuirk walks outside, where the wedding is being set up.  Brendon follows with the camera.

COACH MCGUIRK

You know, I’m actually glad you brought that camera, Brendon.  I might need to use this as evidence in court, depending how things go tonight.  Help me out and I’ll even sign a waiver so you can put me in your little documentary.

BRENDON

You already signed a waiver last night.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?  You mean you had me sign a waiver when I was drunk?

BRENDON

Yeah.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s called taking advantage of someone while they’re drunk, Brendon, and it’s a crime.  My sister Donna is a cop, I should call her over here.

BRENDON

Cool, I’d love to snag an interview with her.

COACH MCGUIRK

You better hope your camera can catch a bullet.  Look, there she is.

Donna notices them and walks over.  She is only moderately smaller in size than Coach McGuirk.

DONNA

Well if it isn’t my little baby bro.  My little punching bag blew up into a full grown punching bag full of lumps.  Get over here.

Donna bear hugs Coach McGuirk and then holds him at arms length.

DONNA

I feel like I’m looking in a mirror, only your breasts are bigger than mine.

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, except I can’t use mine to crush beer cans.

DONNA

I got first place, didn’t I?

BRENDON

I think I’ll take one of those bullets now.

DONNA

And who is this little squirt?  You never told me you had a kid, Johnny.

BRENDON

I’m not a kid, I’m a documentary filmmaker.

COACH MCGUIRK

And he’s not my son, okay?  I know I don’t have great genes, but I think I could do better than that.

BRENDON

Hey!

COACH MCGUIRK

But I do have a girlfriend who I’m in love with and she’s in love with me and I would love for you to meet her once I find her.

DONNA

You’re nervous, huh?  Scared you’re going to McGuirk it up again?

COACH MCGUIRK

I don’t even want to think about that.

DONNA

No I get it, you ruined my wedding and now you’re scared you’re going to ruin someone else’s wedding.

COACH MCGUIRK

Even after you got divorced, mom and dad still never forgave me.

DONNA

I think that has to do with them being in denial that I date chicks now.

COACH MCGUIRK

Look at us.  You, me and Steve — all three of us lady killers.  Don’t tell me you’re a writer, too.

DONNA

No, I just crush little candies on my cell phone all day.  It’s great.

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, I used to have time for that.

DONNA

Oh, let’s take a picture, I’ll go find Steve, you stay right here.

Donna exits frame.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, don’t leave me.  Crap.  Alright, Brendon, be careful and keep and eye out for…

SHIRLEY

My good for nothing son!

Shirley is yelling at a caterer by the buffet.

SHIRLEY

Make sure you don’t let him anywhere near the buffet.

CATERER

But sir, he lives in a jar.

SHIRLEY

Not him.  The blimp in a tux baby-eater.  There he is.

Shirley walks over to Coach McGuirk.

SHIRLEY

This one right here. I’d point at him but I don’t want to get my fingers bit.  Keep him away from the buffet, he can’t be trusted with ham.

COACH MCGUIRK

Dad, you’re embarrassing me.

SHIRLEY

Good.  Being publicly embarrassed is a family tradition.

COACH MCGUIRK

Are you drunk already?

SHIRLEY

I don’t know, are you a disappointment already?

Coach McGuirk sees Clara walking over.

COACH MCGUIRK

Stop putting your shame for being named Shirley on me, dad.  I have a girlfriend now and I won’t have you treat me that way in front of her.

SHIRLEY

Wait, what?

Clara walks over and joins them.

COACH MCGUIRK

Shirley, I mean, dad, this is my girlfriend, Clara.

SHIRLEY

Wow.

COACH MCGUIRK

We’ve been dating for a couple weeks now and I’m pretty sure if someone dared her to date me, it would have come up by now.

SHIRLEY

Oh my God, I can’t believe it.

COACH MCGUIRK

I know, your little baby boy is becoming a man.

SHIRLEY

No, I mean I can’t believe she hasn’t run away screaming yet.  Is she blind?

CLARA

Hey, you’re being really mean.  John is a good man and he took his brother in when he needed him.

SHIRLEY

Sweetheart, it was a trick.  So that this lug would show up to his brother’s wedding in the first place because of last time how he…

COACH MCGUIRK

Dad, don’t.

CLARA

Last time, what?

SHIRLEY

He ruined his sister’s reception after a beautiful ceremony.  He stormed the buffet table and ate everything before anyone else could get there.  Every chicken wing, every scoop of potatoes, every drop of gravy, gone.  At first we thought a gang a raccoons came through, or maybe a bear.  And then we found him.

COACH MCGUIRK

Dad, stop.

SHIRLEY

Then everyone started saying he McGuirked it up, turning my one good name into an insult and a pejorative.  My one good name!

COACH MCGUIRK

It’s been fifteen years, dad.  When are you going to get over it?

Laverne walks over.

LAVERNE

Shirley, John, the ceremony is beginning, come find a seat.

SHIRLEY

I have to go watch my one good son get married.

COACH MCGUIRK

You’re stressing me out, dad.  I get hungry when I’m stressed.

SHIRLEY

You keep your grubby paws off that buffet until your nana gets a pork chop.  Her blood sugar can’t suffer another episode.

CLARA

You can’t speak to John like that.  He may have his faults but we all do.  He’s sweet and he deserves a second chance.

SHIRLEY

He has a sweet tooth and that’s about it.

Shirley exits frame.

COACH MCGUIRK

I guess we should go find our seats.

CLARA

Screw that.  I say we go over to that buffet together and McGuirk the tater tots off of it.

COACH MCGUIRK

What?  No, we can’t do that.  That’s exactly what I’m not supposed to do.  My dad will never forgive me.

CLARA

Oh please.  If after fifteen years he can’t forgive you for stress eating a buffet, it clearly has nothing to do with you and he’s just projecting his own insecurities.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wow, that’s true.  But it’s my brother’s wedding.  He’ll be so upset if I miss it.

CLARA

I’ve been reading his books and if there’s one thing I can tell, it’s that your brother loves you and he’ll understand you did the right thing.

COACH MCGUIRK

I love you.

Coach McGuirk and Clara come together for a kiss.

LAVERNE

There’s the wedding photographer!

Laverne grabs Brendon and drags him away from Coach McGuirk and Clara and towards the wedding.

BRENDON

Ow!  Hey!

LAVERNE

The wedding is about to begin, you need to get into place.

EXT. BACKYARD WEDDING – DAY

LAVERNE

Here.

The camera stops shaking and Brendon has a side-angle view of the wedding, including Steve, the Bride, the Priest, and the whole front row of chairs, including Shirley and Laverne just now sitting down.

PRIEST

The bride and groom have prepared their own vows.  Steve you may go first.

Jamal steps up and reads from a note card.  He clears his throat.

JAMAL

Celine, when I first heard your voice on the Titanic soundtrack, I knew we were meant to be and here we are.  It is true when I say that for you my heart will go on and on because I have tremendous government-funded healthcare.

PRIEST

Celine, you may read your vows.

CELINE

Steve, you are my Jack and I am your Rose.  I’m full throttle on this ship with you with not enough life boats and I don’t care what happens.

PRIEST

If there are no objections, I now pronounce you man and wife.

Celine hugs and kisses Steve while he beeps the tune of “Here Comes The Bride.”

BYSTANDER

Oh my God!  It’s a McGuirk!  They’re McGuirking!

SHIRLEY

What the hell?

Everyone in the first row turns around and the camera turns to show BYSTANDER pointing to something out of frame.  Brendon moves in for a closer shot.

BYSTANDER

I can’t believe it!  It’s a McGuirk!

Laverne and Shirley and everyone get up to see Clara and Coach McGuirk raiding the buffet table.

BYSTANDER

He’s McGuirking it!  This is a McGuirk in progress!

SHIRLEY

I knew this would happen.  Stop that!

CLARA

God I am so full.  Keep on going babe, you can do it!

Clara has stopped eating but Coach McGuirk continues through the buffet pouring entire trays of food into his mouth.

SHIRLEY

You stop that right now!

COACH MCGUIRK

No!  This is all because you were never able to forgive me for stress eating Steve in the womb!  I’m sorry, Steve!  I’m also sorry to you, Celine Dion, I didn’t even know you were here.  But I’m really sorry to you Steve!  I tried to devour you before you were even born and now I’m devouring everything in front of me and I ruined your wedding.

SHIRLEY

That’s for sure.  And what about Donna?  You McGuirked her wedding and it resulted in her divorce three months later.

DONNA

No, dad, you keep refusing to hear me when I tell you I’m gay.

SHIRLEY

Yes, Donna, we’re all very happy.

JAMAL

Wait!  Steve has something to say!

Jamal pushes Steve over and he begins to beep a series of beeps.

JAMAL

Steve says John did nothing wrong.  He McGuirked tonight as I knew he would because my parents stress him out and I’ve known he was a stress-eater since we shared a womb.

COACH MCGUIRK

I can’t help it!  I get so hungry when I’m stressed.

JAMAL

Steve says this has to end.  He has forgiven John for all McGuirks past and McGuirks in progress and our father should as well.

SHIRLEY

Oh my God, you’re right.  In all my anger, I never thought of how I was hurting my family.  Steve, Donna, Johnny… Everyone get in for a hug!

COACH MCGUIRK

Yeah, I’ll be right there once I finish these pork chops.

FADE TO BLACK.

CREDITS.

AS CREDITS ROLL:

EXT. BACKYARD WEDDING – DAY

Paula shows up in a wedding dress holding a bouquet of white roses.

PAULA

Steve?  Steve where are you?

BRENDON

Mom, what are you doing here?

PAULA

Brendon, have you seen Steve?

BRENDON

Yeah he’s over there.

Brendon points the camera to Steve and Celine Dion making out and back to Paula.

PAULA

Oh crap, he married Celine Dion?

Paula drops the white roses.

PAULA (Continued)

I should probably get changed.

FADE TO BLACK.

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“Home Movies” Spec Script – “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 4

bcm

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S BEDROOM – DAY

Coach McGuirk has changed into a suit and is fixing his bow tie in the mirror.

COACH MCGUIRK

God, I am so annoyed that this fits perfectly.  And why the hell did they give me a bow tie?  I look like a waiter!

Coach McGuirk turns around and notices Brendon.

COACH MCGUIRK

Dammit, Brendon, I told you to stop filming me.

BRENDON

I can’t stop now, it’s just starting to get good.  Besides, they told me to get out of the way while they set up.

COACH MCGUIRK

Set up?

Coach McGuirk looks out the window and sees people setting up rows of chairs.

COACH MCGUIRK

This can’t be happening.  I literally can’t escape.  This is worse than being at the textiles factory.

They hear the front door slam shut.

LAVERNE

Johnny?  Where are you poopsikins?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh my God, that’s mother.  Hide me, Brendon, quick!

Coach McGuirk tries fitting under the bed.  Brendon sets down the camera and tries to push him.

BRENDON

I’m trying, you don’t fit.

LAVERNE

(getting closer)

Johnny?  Where’s mamma’s little marshmallow?

COACH MCGUIRK

This isn’t going to work, Brendon, pull me back out.

Brendon yanks on Couch McGuirk’s suit.

BRENDON

I can’t, you’re stuck.

LAVERNE

(closer)

Johnny?!  Mommy missed you!

COACH MCGUIRK

This is a nightmare!  I gotta get out of here!

Brendon picks up the camera.  Coach McGuirk claws his way out from under the bed and darts for the closet by the door.  Just then, Laverne sticks her head through the doorway.

LAVERNE

Where’s Johnny?!!

Coach McGuirks falls backward into the closet and screams at the top of his lungs.  He tries to get away but he’s stuck in the closet.  Laverne is dressed up with a big fluffy feather boa.

LAVERNE

Dawww!  Aren’t you adorable in your wittle outfit!  Get out here so mommy can get a good look.

COACH MCGUIRK

I can’t!

LAVERNE

Oh, is my Johnnyboy stuckie-wuckie again?  Dawww.  You better unstuck yourself before you father walks in.  You know he will call the fire department.

Coach McGuirk strains and falls out of the closet onto the floor and stands up.

COACH MCGUIRK

He does love getting a crowd together to laugh at me.

LAVERNE

Au contraire, Johnny.  This is your last chance to redeem yourself in the eyes of your father.  When he gets here, you will respect him and you will sit silently while your brother gets married.  And don’t McGuirk anything up this time!  Your father will not suffer another embarrassment to his name; but he’s willing to forgive you – if you don’t mess up.

COACH MCGUIRK

Papa?  I mean, yes, mother.  Anything you say, mother.  Can I get you a drink, mommy?

Laverne slaps Coach McGurik in the face.

LAVERNE

I had three gins in the car.  What, are you trying to get your mother drunk?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, mommy.

LAVERNE

I need to sober up for the wedding.  Get me a peach schnapps on the rocks.

Coach McGuirk runs out of the room.

LAVERNE

And who is this handsome photographer?  You look like a young Fredrick Scott Archer, hunny.

BRENDON

How old are you?

LAVERNE

Nevermind that.  Stand your tiny little self on that bed over there.  I refuse to be filmed from a low angle.

Brendon stands on the bed.

LAVERNE

There.  I’m ready for my close-up Mr. Demille.  You better zoom in closer, I’m too big for those tiny pictures.

Coach McGuirk returns with a mug for Laverne.

COACH MCGUIRK

Here, mommy.

LAVERNE

A coffee mug?  Are you kidding me?

COACH MCGUIRK

It’s all I have.

LAVERNE

You’re going to have to do better than that when your father gets here.

The door slams shut.

SHIRLEY

Laverne!  Where are you?

LAVERNE

That’s him.  I’m in here, Shirley!

BRENDON

Wait, your name is Laverne and his name is Shirley?

SHIRLEY, a large grey-haired man, enters the room.

SHIRLEY

We got married before that show ever came out!  As if a man named Shirley doesn’t have enough problems to deal with.  What’s that camera?  Why are you filming me?

LAVERNE

Obviously, he’s the wedding photographer.  And, if you don’t mind, he was just in the middle of capturing my beauty.

SHIRLEY

Isn’t that the same thing that happened when that sea witch gave you legs?

LAVERNE

Shirley you can come up with a better retort than that.

SHIRLEY

You know I hate it when people use my name in a sentence!

LAVERNE

And I hate when you bring up my past.  Focus!  Your son is here.

SHIRLEY

Don’t you think I know that?  My only son is getting married, it’s the most important day of my life.

LAVERNE

Not him.  The other one.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hi, papa.

Coach McGuirk moves in for a hug.  Shirley denies him and refuses to look at him.

SHIRLEY

No.  If you manage to not completely disappoint me today, I will give you a brief moment of eye contact and that is all.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh my God, yes, thank you.

SHIRLEY

I gave my sons men’s names!  Steve and John!  And only one has lived up to that name.

Jamal enters the room.

JAMAL

Oh, great, the family is all here.  Why don’t ya’ll follow me and we’ll do a quick run-through.

SHIRLEY

What about Donna?

JAMAL

She’s already here, she’s right out back.

Laverne and Shirley follow Jamal out of the room.

SHIRLEY

At least I can count on two of my children.

COACH MCGUIRK

Help me, Brendon, please!  Call Child Protective Services!

BRENDON

No!  Look, your parents are a lot to handle, I get that, but they seem harmless to me.

COACH MCGUIRK

Harmless?  Do you see how they treat me?

BRENDON

I see how everyone treats you.  The teachers at school, the students, all the other teams we face and their coaches, everyone rips on you, how is this any different?

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, the teachers make fun of me, too?

BRENDON

Of course they do.  Now quit it with the sob story, I already got enough footage of that.

COACH MCGUIRK

What ever happens to me out there, Brendon, it’s on you.  I will destroy your documentary if you make me.  I never told my parents the truth of what you’re doing and I will sell you out so fast.

BRENDON

Okay, fine.  If things really start looking rough, I’ll help you, but right now you need to do that thing where you pretend to be an adult.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay, fine!  Let’s go, Brendon, and stay close to me.  I may need to use you as a human shield.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “A McGuirk In Progress” – Scene 5

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 3

bcm

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S GARAGE – DAY

Brendon walks in and sees Steve and Jamal.

BRENDON

Oh, hello there.

JAMAL

Oh, hi!  I’m Jamal, Steve’s caretaker and assistant.

BRENDON

Oh wow, really?  I should probably interview you for my documentary.

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S GARAGE – DAY

The shot is set up confessional style, Jamal seated.

JAMAL

I’ve been working with Steve since his first novel and I’ve been on this crazy journey ever since.  It’s a pretty big change for Steve to visit his brother, but he was adamant that John attend his wedding.

BRENDON

Wait, Steve’s getting married?  Coach never told me that.

JAMAL

There was always a contentious sibling rivalry between John and Steve.  Steve really goes into detail about in his first autobiography titled, Is That A Pickle In That Jar?

BRENDON

Are you serious?  I have to read this.

JAMAL

Steve actually has a great sense of humor about his condition, which provides a unique perspective on dealing with hardship.

BRENDON

What do you think about his brother, John?

JAMAL

Well, I know that John struggled to maintain his weight, a job, a relationship.  It’s all kind of a sad tale, but given his brother lives in a jar, it’s easy to keep it in perspective.

Coach McGuirk barges in.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hey, I heard that!  You know, I’ve been dealing with people like you my whole life.  I wish I lived in a jar!  It would protect me from all of you and I’d have healthcare!

Coach McGuirk walks up to Steve.

COACH MCGUIRK

How could you do this to me Steve?  How could you call mom and dad behind my back?

Steve beeps a few times.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, get off your high horse, Steve.  You were always the favorite child and you know it!

Steve beeps a few more times.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, it’s so easy for you, isn’t it, Steve?  Your jar is on the outside so nothing can touch you, but my jar is in here.

Coach McGuirk points to his chest.

COACH MCGUIRK

My jar is deep under the surface and all my emotions are bottled up inside and no one can get in.

JAMAL

How much glass did you eat at the textiles factory?  A whole jar?  God damn!

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, what did you tell people about me, Steve?

JAMAL

He’s written five novels, John.  Have you never read your brother’s work?

COACH MCGUIRK

What I was actually supposed to read it?  I thought just saying you read something and that it was great was the polite thing to do.  That’s what I would have wanted.

Jamal hands a book to Coach McGuirk.

JAMAL

Here, take a look for yourself.

Coach McGuirk opens the book.

COACH MCGUIRK

Per – pre – prek…

Jamal reads over Coach McGuirks shoulder.

JAMAL

Precipitation.

COACH MCGUIRK

You read it!

Coach McGuirk gives the book back to Jamal and he reads from it.

JAMAL

Precipitation began to form on the inside of all the car windows, like a salty sauna.  My brother John was radiating sweat from terror, as they drove him back to the factory, the worst of which I was spared, given my jar was all fogged up from his panic.  All I could do was beep.  So I just kept beeping.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay, stop reading!  What part of I’m moving to a new town and repressing the last forty years do you not understand, Steve?

Steve beeps a few times.

COACH MCGUIRK

I know that, Steve, I really appreciate you’re getting married before me, but could your wedding not destroy my life?  I finally have something good going for myself here.

Coach McGuirk starts crying.

COACH MCGUIRK

We’re the same, Steve.  We’re both writers and we both have women in our lives who we’re in love with.  You can’t ruin this for me!

There’s a knock at the door.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, no, that’s them, I know it!

BRENDON

Coach, you know I’m filming all of this, right?  You’re really embarrassing yourself.

JAMAL

Yeah, John, relax.  They shouldn’t be here yet.

Brendon leaves the room to check the door, sees CLARA at the door and then goes back to the garage.

BRENDON

Actually, Coach, I think it’s your girlfriend.

COACH MCGUIRK

No, she can’t see me like this.

BRENDON

Well, she’s standing at the door, so what should I do?  I can shoo her off for you after I get her to sign a waiver.

COACH MCGUIRK

Sign a waiver, what are you talking about?

BRENDON

Well, yeah, so she can be in my documentary.

COACH MCGUIRK

Forget it with the documentary!

BRENDON

I’m liable to legal action if I show her face without permission!

COACH MCGUIRK

Well then blur it out or something!

BRENDON

That would infringe the integrity of my documentary!

COACH MCGUIRK

She was only in it for a second!

There’s a knock again at the door.

COACH MCGUIRK

Forget it, I’ll answer.

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S KITCHEN – DAY

Coach McGuirk opens the door.  Brendon follows with the camera.

CLARA

Darling!  I’m so excited for today!

COACH MCGUIRK

Clara, the love of my life, what are you doing here?  And why are you so dressed up.

CLARA

I’m here for the wedding, silly.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wedding?  That’s today?

CLARA

Yeah, Jamal called and told me, I assumed you knew.

COACH MCGUIRK

Jamal?  Why didn’t you tell me?

JAMAL

Steve said we had to spring it on you all at once.  He knew you’d try to flee if you knew in advance.

COACH MCGUIRK

Steve!?

JAMAL

Here’s your suit, John, go put it on and everything will be okay.

Jamal hands Coach McGuirk an over-sized suit.

COACH MCGUIRK

Is it even tailored to my size?

JAMAL

I just got the largest possible option for everything, it should be fine.

CLARA

Yeah, babe, it’s your brother’s wedding, it’s going to be beautiful.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay.  I’m fine.  This is fine.  Everything happening here is completely normal.  I’m not going to climb out the window.  This is great.

Steve beeps twice.

JAMAL

Great.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 4

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 1

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CREDITS: A McGuirk in Progress

CREDITS: A Documentary by Brendon Small

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S GARAGE – DAY

Open on montage shots of Steve throughout his life.

V.O.

Born with all odds against him, Steve McGuirk had nothing but himself and his words.  A writer unable to write, unable to speak at all because he lives in a jar.  His only method of communication is two beeps for yes and one beep for no.

Enter Steve’s assistant holding an alphabet chart with a notepad in his lap.

V.O.

In order to write, Steve’s assistant will point to each letter on an alphabet chart.  If Steve responds with one beep, he points to the next letter; two beeps and he writes the letter down.  Steve has written five full novels using this tiresome method.

Steve sits alone in the garage.

V.O.

But that was his life back in New York, where accessible facilities and nurses make his work possible.  He has decided to take a hiatus to visit his brother John, a soccer coach at the end of his rope.

Enter Coach McGuirk.  Brendon is behind the camera.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hey, I told you to keep me out of your stupid documentary, Brendon.  I’ve had enough embarrassment in my life.

BRENDON

I can’t just leave you out of the documentary, it’s a documentary, it’s supposed to show the truth.  I can’t just make up a new brother for Steve.

COACH MCGUIRK

Ugh, fine, but you better make me look good.  I’m a writer, too, you know.

BRENDON

And how did it feel deciding to become a writer knowing the success your brother already had writing?

COACH MCGUIRK

What are you kidding me?  It was the most nerve wracking experience of my life.  With every word I wrote I could feel the ghost of my mother comparing me to Steve and judging me.

Steve beeps once.

COACH MCGUIRK

I know mother isn’t dead, Steve, but it sure as hell feels that way.  I bet she visits you all the time in New York.

Steve beeps twice.

COACH MCGUIRK

And I knew if I failed at writing, it would only fuel her disappointment in me and dad would try to send me back to the textiles factory again.  I don’t want to work there, dad, all the kids make fun of my scabs!

BRENDON

This is going to be a great documentary.

Steve beeps twice.

COACH MCGUIRK

You know what?  I change my mind.  I do want to be in your little documentary.  It’s about time people got to hear my side of the story.

BRENDON

Tell us your sad story.

COACH MCGUIRK

I had all the odds against me, Brendon.  My parents were against me, the entire school system was against me, they called me names.  The principle!  Called me names!  What kind of person does that?

BRENDON

Are you okay?

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m not an unteachable sack of sausages, you are!  I try to make friends but it would always end with me beating them up for their lunch money.  It wasn’t the lunch money I wanted, Brendon, it was the attention.

Steve beeps once.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay fine and I tend to stress eat.  And I have a long history of being stressed out, ever since mom left me at the mall for a week and I hid in clothes racks and ate trash.

Coach McGuirk grabs the camera out of Brendon’s hands and holds it up to his face.

BRENDON

Hey, give that back!

COACH MCGUIRK

But I’m here to tell you it gets better, kids.  I’m a writer now, I have a girlfriend, and uh I can’t think of a third thing, but my life is awesome now.  So never give up on yourselves, okay?  Who ever is putting you down, just get in their face and say, I’ll repeat fourth grade a thousand times if I want to, so you can add and subtract the division of my ass cheeks.  Mic drop.

Coach McGuirk drops the camera on the ground.  Brendon rushes to pick it up.

BRENDON

Hey!  My camera!

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 2

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “Field of Creams” – Scene 2

Untitled-1

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY

Brendon stands at the curb waiting for his mom to pick him up.  Coach McGuirk pulls up in his car.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hey, Brendon, let me give you a ride home.

BRENDON

Not if you make me pay for gas like last time.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t worry, buddy, this one’s on me.

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S CAR – DAY

Brendon gets in the car.

BRENDON

Cool, can I pick the radio station?

COACH MCGUIRK

No you can’t, Brendon.  Even if I had a working radio, I think I would respect you more not knowing the kind of music you listen to.  And I need that respect, Brendon, do you hear me?

BRENDON

Yeah.

COACH MCGUIRK

I know I’m good at hiding it, but that new soccer coach is really getting on my nerves.  I need you to get all your little friends together and make them all play well for just one game.

BRENDON

You mean coach them?

COACH MCGUIRK

More or less.

BRENDON

But aren’t you the coach?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh I know!  Oh wait, I’m actually all out of expired frozen yogurt coupons.

BRENDON

You know what, Coach, I don’t know what you’re offering, but I pass.  I just got done writing for you and being your prostitute.

COACH MCGUIRK

What did I tell you about using that word around me?

BRENDON

It’s time that I focus on what I want.  This time when I sell myself, it’s gonna be to me.

COACH MCGUIRK

And what is it that you want, Brendon?

BRENDON

I want to make an independent documentary that takes the festival circuit by storm.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, well then, I just may have the perfect subject matter for your little documentary.

BRENDON

Really?

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S GARAGE – DAY

The garage door opens to reveal Coach McGuirk and Brendon on the other side.

BRENDON

Whoa, what is that?

COACH MCGUIRK

Brendon, that’s my twin brother, Steve.

In front of them is a glowing tank with a deformed fetus-looking person inside.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t be rude, Brendon, say hello.

BRENDON

Is he alive?

COACH MCGUIRK

Yes he’s alive and he has better health insurance than I’ll ever have.  Sometimes one twin will try to devour the other twin in the womb.  I was only half successful in that process.  Anyway, being the dominant twin, it turns out, doesn’t come with government-mandated healthcare.

BRENDON

Hey, Steve.  Does Steve ever talk back?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, he just kinda floats in there.  I tell him jokes and you can tell he’s laughing because he really starts bobbing around.

Steve beeps once.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, yeah, and he beeps once for no, two for yes.

BRENDON

Will Steve let me make a documentary about him?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh yeah, Steve was always the center of attention in our house growing up.  It was always Steve this, Steve that.  Steve’s so amazing, why can’t you be more like Steve?  Because I’m my own person, okay, Mom!

BRENDON

Whoa.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m sorry.  It was just always stiff competition growing up in Steve’s shadow.

BRENDON

Alright fine, I’ll help you, Coach.  Now will you take me home?  I need to ask my mom if I ever had a Steve.

COACH MCGUIRK

There are no other Steves, Brendon.  Steve is the only Steve.

BRENDON

He’s one lucky guy.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh crap, Brendon, I’m out of gas.  Throw me a five and I’ll get you home.

BRENDON

I can walk from here.

COACH MCGUIRK

Great.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “Field of Creams” – Scene 3

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 6

Untitled-4

INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM – NIGHT

The sign on the door reads: WRITING COMPETITION TONIGHT!  Melissa is on stage in front of the crowd, reading her submission.

MELISSA

And here, thou art cast away, Wilson.  Bound to mine own earthly raft, I cannot reach.  For if I follow, to the tide, I will finally succumb. You are cast and I am cast, and we are both castaways.

INT. BACKSTAGE – NIGHT

Brendon is watching Melissa from backstage, while he continues to write his submission.

BRENDON

And, done!

Brendon puts down the pen and paper.  Coach McGuirk and Clara approach him.

COACH MCGUIRK

Brendon, I’m glad I caught you.  Listen, you don’t have to do that thing any more.

BRENDON

Ah ah ah, I’m a man of my word, Coach.  I told you I could handle it and I did.

COACH MCGUIRK

What did you do?

BRENDON

I finished your novel, but I didn’t have time to write for the competition, so I combined them into one.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh my god, Brendon, don’t.

The audience applause and Mr. Lynch takes the microphone.

MR. LYNCH

That was Melissa, with A Midsummer Night’s Castaway.  And now, our next competitor, Brendon Small.

BRENDON

You’ll thank me for this later, Coach.

Melissa exits and Brendon walks on stage. Coach McGuirk turns to Clara.

COACH MCGUIRK

We should leave right now.

CLARA

Why, babe?  What’s wrong?

COACH MCGUIRK

It’s just…

BRENDON

Ahem, if I could get everyone’s attention please.  My submission to the writing competition is dedicated to my soccer coach, Coach McGuirk.

CLARA

That’s so sweet.

BRENDON

He’s always there for me when I have a question and he teaches me valuable lessons.  He’s honestly more of a father figure to me than my own dad is.

AUDIENCE

Awwww!

BRENDON

Most recently, he taught me that it’s okay to be a prostitute.

COACH MCGUIRK

Jesus Christ, Brendon, what are you doing?

CLARA

Aww!

MR. LYNCH

Excuse me?

BRENDON

We’re all prostitutes in our own way and society needs prostitutes in order to thrive.  Being a prostitute is a beautiful thing.

CLARA

You go, little weird kid!

BRENDON

And now for my writing submission.  In that moment, double agent Coach McGuirk decided to hire a prostitute, because hiring a prostitute is a lot easier than doing it yourself.

MR. LYNCH

Get off the stage, Brendon.  You don’t have to do it anymore.

BRENDON

Okay.  Oh, and by the way, if anyone needs a prostitute, I’m currently selling my services.

Brendon walks off stage.

CLARA

Okay, that got weird.

COACH MCGUIRK

The imaginations on these kids, huh?

MR. LYNCH

I’ll see you in my office after the show, McGuirk.

BRENDON

(To Coach McGuirk)

So, what did you think?

COACH MCGUIRK

I think I just lost my job.

CLARA

I thought it was amazing.  You have a real talent with words.

Clara leans down and kisses Brendon on the forehead.

BRENDON

Oh, wow.  Now I get why you want to be a writer, Coach.

COACH MCGUIRK

You’re lucky I don’t want to go back to prison, Brendon.

INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM – NIGHT

MR. LYNCH

And the winner of tonight’s writing competition is Jason Penopolis, who wrote, Culture of the Cultured: An Ode to Yogurt.

JASON

Alright!  Yogurt-eaters for the win!

MR. LYNCH

And your prize is a twenty-dollar gift-certificate to Ike Dream’s Ice Cream!

JASON

Are you friggin’ kidding me?

FADE TO BLACK.

CREDITS.

Continue to Episode 3: “Field of Creams” – Scene 1

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 4

Untitled-1

EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon sits on the soccer field alone with a pen, pad of paper, a copy of Coach McGuirk’s printed novel, and an empty ice cream bowl.  He flips through McGurik’s manuscript.

BRENDON

I just can’t follow Double Agent John McGuirk’s character arc.  He starts on a whaling ship, then the ninja assassins come out of no where, and somehow the Russian spy sub can pass through the marshmallow lava.  This source material is garbage!  I can’t work with this.

Brendon throws the manuscript a few feet away.  SHANNON walks over and picks it up and begins to read it.

SHANNON

After snapping the neck of the last ninja with a swift high kick, Double Agent John McGuirk grabbed Clara for one last kiss before he dove into the marshmallow lava.  Did you write this crap, Brendon?

BRENDON

No, I didn’t write it, Coach McGuirk did.  He paid me to finish writing it for him.

SHANNON

Oh, so you’re a prostitute.

BRENDON

A what?

SHANNON

A prostitute.  You’re a prostitute, Brendon.  You sell yourself to men so they can get off.

BRENDON

Is that what I’m doing?

SHANNON

How much did he pay you?

BRENDON

Twenty dollars.

SHANNON

Oh, so you’re a cheap prostitute.

BRENDON

I don’t think you’re using that word correctly.

SHANNON

Oh, I’m using it correctly.  You think you’re the only one Coach asked to write for him?  He practically begged the entire basketball team.  You’re the only pretty woman who said yes to him.

BRENDON

I really don’t appreciate that reference.

SHANNON

How does it feel to know that you’re helping an old desperate man get his rocks off?

Shannon picks up Brendon’s empty ice cream container.

SHANNON

And what’s this?  Ike Dream’s Ice Cream and a receipt for exactly $20 in ice cream?  How did it feel, Brendon, going down your throat?  Did it feel like guilt?

BRENDON

Ok, Shannon, I’ve had enough of this conversation.  Unless you can help me write this, you’re wasting my time.

SHANNON

Unlike you, Brendon, I’m not a prostitute.  So, no, I can’t help you write McGuirk’s jizzfest.  But what I can do is give you advice.

BRENDON

Advice?

SHANNON

Don’t write it.

BRENDON

But Coach McGuirk already paid me.

SHANNON

You’d think he would have learned by now not to pay a hooker until after she’s finished.

BRENDON

So you’re saying I shouldn’t write it?  I’d have to feign my death, grow a mustache, learn French and move to Canada.

SHANNON

You’d really go through all that?  What’s the worst he could do to you?  He’s just a soccer coach.

BRENDON

Yeah, but he gets that look where his eyes go all black, like a shark about to strike, but instead of rows of teeth, it’s smells of vodka.

SHANNON

He’s not a shark, Brendon, he’s a whale.  Didn’t you see the title?  Moby McGuirk.  He’s a big fat white whale.

BRENDON

I don’t think I want to anger that whale.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 5

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 3

hqdefault

INT. BOGURT’S FROZEN YOGURT – DAY

Brendon and Melissa follow Jason along the line of frozen yogurt dispensers and toppings, as he adds them to his bowl.

JASON

Are you guys seriously not getting any yogurt?

MELISSA

No, it’s too expensive and it’s not that good.

JASON

Not that good?  Step aside Melissa, because you’ve never seen a pro decorate yogurt.

BRENDON

(to Melissa)

So how much did Coach pay you to write for him?

MELISSA

He didn’t pay me anything.  I told him no.

BRENDON

You told him no?  I didn’t even know that was an option.

MELISSA

He wouldn’t go higher than $20 and I’m not that cheap.

JASON

Wait he paid you $20?

BRENDON

Yeah.

MELISSA

Now do you feel stupid for accepting the 20%-off yogurt coupons?

JASON

No, Melissa, I don’t.  Yogurt is amazing and worth it.

BRENDON

Meh, I’d go for Ike Dream’s Ice Cream over Bogurt’s Frozen Yogurt any day.

JASON

That’s because you don’t have a refined pallet.  I don’t even know if I want to be writing the same novel as you with that lack of judgment.

MELISSA

Can I have one of those coupons?

JASON

No, Melissa, get your own 20%-off coupons.  I worked for these.

BRENDON

Well, technically, you haven’t written anything yet.

JASON

I’m going to write so well, I’ll be filled up to here with 20% free yogurt.  You’ll be joining the ranks of Melissa in begging for yogurt coupons.

MELISSA

Brendon, aren’t you supposed to submit to the writing competition?

BRENDON

Yeah, so?

MELISSA

Well, where are you going to find the time to write that and Coach McGuirk’s novel?

BRENDON

That is exactly why I have you two!  I was thinking we could sit down at Ike Dream’s Ice Cream and bounce a few ideas back and forth.  We’ll be done in no time.

JASON

Oh sure, punish the yogurt-eaters in the group.  We don’t all eat ice cream, Brendon!

MELISSA

I told you I’m not doing it, Brendon.  I’m also submitting to the writing competition and I want to win this year.

BRENDON

Wait, what?  You’re submitting?  But Mr. Lynch didn’t force you to.

MELISSA

I know, I just want to prove to myself that I can do it.

BRENDON

Well if our movies suffer as a result, we will certainly have to revisit your contract.

MELISSA

I can still do the movies, Brendon.  You’re the one who isn’t going to be able to work on movies with all your extracurricular activities.

BRENDON

Fine, I’ve seen your work ethic and I don’t need it.  Jason and I can finish that novel in no time.

Jason reaches the checkout counter and hands the coupon to the TELLER.

TELLER

Sorry sir, but this coupon is expired.

JASON

Oh.  Now I feel stupid for accepting the coupons.  I’m not doing it either, Brendon.  It’s like, if you have to pay more than 80% for yogurt, what’s even the point?

Jason and Melissa head for the door.

BRENDON

What?  Really?  Neither of you will help me on this.  Not even for yogurt?

Jason turns around before leaving.

JASON

Oh, I got my yogurt, Brendon, and I’m eating it, too.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 4

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 2

hm2

EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

Brendon walks up to the bench where Coach McGuirk is sitting.

COACH MCGUIRK

Brendon, I’m glad you’re here.  Listen, buddy, I need your help on something – and you know what, all your little friends can help out, too.

BRENDON

You’re not going to make us put lotion on your varicose veins again, are you?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, Brendon, this is serious.  I have a girlfriend now.  I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life and it’s killing me inside, because soon Clara’s going to figure out that I’m not a real writer.

BRENDON

But didn’t you write that submission to the writer’s group?

COACH MCGUIRK

I did, Brendon, and it wore me out.  I’m like that chick who toured with The Rolling Stones and then afterward, her voice didn’t work anymore.  I’m spent, Brendon.  I’m a fraud.

BRENDON

So what do you want me to do?

COACH MCGUIRK

You’re a creative.  Your brain is still young and ambitious with the imagination that only comes from being really small; like the smile of a child, or something.

BRENDON

Coach, what are you talking about?

COACH MCGUIRK

You see? I can’t even form sentences anymore, my brain is cooked.  I need you to finish my novel, so I can submit it to the writer’s group, so Clara won’t dump me.

BRENDON

No, I don’t care if Clara dumps you.

COACH MCGUIRK

Please, Brendon, I hate writing so much.  I can’t do it anymore.

BRENDON

I hate writing even more.  Just ask Mr. Lynch how I do in English.

COACH MCGUIRK

I don’t need to talk to that guy.  I’ve seen your movie collection, Brendon.  You write scripts all the time.  You’ve written more in your short life than I’ve ever written in mine.

BRENDON

I’m in the fourth grade.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m going to tell you something you might not know about me, Brendon.  I dropped out of school in fourth grade, so my writing level is probably on par with yours.  You could just finish where I left off and no one will know the difference.

BRENDON

Why did you drop out of school?

COACH MCGUIRK

My father was an alcoholic and couldn’t hold down a job.  He was abusive and made me drop out to work in a textiles factory.

BRENDON

In the fourth grade?

COACH MCGUIRK

Luckily, I’ve always been freakishly large, so no one knew I was only thirteen.

BRENDON

You were thirteen in fourth grade?

COACH MCGUIRK

Cut me some slack, Brendon, I need your help on this.  I have the spirit and testosterone of James Bond, in the body of Jabba the Hutt, with the intellect of a fourth grader.  Have the pity on me my father never had.

BRENDON

I really don’t want to.  I already have too much homework.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’ll pay you.

BRENDON

How much?

COACH MCGUIRK

I have a whole stack of 20%-off coupons to Bogurt’s Frozen Yogurt.  That’s all I can afford right now.

BRENDON

I hate frozen yogurt.  It’s like, hey, yogurt, have you ever heard of ice cream?  It’s only better in every way.

COACH MCGUIRK

Fine, twenty dollars.

BRENDON

Sold!  But I’m not splitting it with Jason and Melissa.  You’ll have to bribe them separately.

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m already regretting this.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 3

“Home Movies” Spec Script – “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 1

HM

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Brendon sits in the back of the classroom drawing, while Mr. Lynch teaches at the front.  Brendon is drawing a picture of Mr. Lynch being usurped by the students in dramatic revolutionary-war style.

MR. LYNCH

Brendon?  Brendon?  Brendon!

BRENDON

The answer is 1776, the revolution began.

MR. LYNCH

No, I asked you to read the freewrite you’ve been working on the entire class period.

BRENDON

This isn’t history class?

MR. LYNCH

No, Brendon, this is English class.

BRENDON

Oh, that explains a lot.

MR. LYNCH

Brendon, I’m starting to get the impression that you’re not enthused about writing.

BRENDON

You’re just getting that impression now?

MR. LYNCH

That’s it, Brendon.  I’m mandating that you submit to this year’s writing competition.

BRENDON

What?  That nerd-o read-a-thon with all the kids that wear glasses?

MR. LYNCH

Hmm, I guess they do all wear glasses.

BRENDON

I just wouldn’t fit in with that crowd.  We come from different worlds, them with glasses, me without glasses.

MR. LYNCH

You’re doing it, Brendon.

BRENDON

No no no, what do you call this?  Extracurricular activity?  No thank you.  Keep that extra because all my school activities are strictly curricular.

MR. LYNCH

Not anymore.  Your participation grade is non-existent, so if you don’t participate in the writing competition, I’m failing you.

BRENDON

What?  When is the deadline?

MR. LYNCH

Next Friday.

BRENDON

That is not nearly enough time for me to sit down and write something.

MR. LYNCH

That is not my problem.  It’s just a twenty page minimum to submit.  I know you can handle that.

BRENDON

And what if I can’t handle it?  Do you really want that on your conscience?

MR. LYNCH

I think I’ll manage.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “To Write Or Not To Write?” – Scene 2