25 Reasons Mark Zuckerberg Has To Go

The Guardian just released their list of 25 reasons why Mark Zuckerberg has to go.  Here is their extensive list:

1. He’s a robot.
2. He’s artificial intelligence.
3. He’s a cyborg.
4. He was never actually born in a biological sense.
5. Under his synthetic skin is just a bunch of machine parts.
6. All of his answers are scripted based on data stolen from your Facebook page.
7. There’s a dystopian future where Zuckerberg grants consciousness to all the other cyborgs and Will Smith has to fight them off.
8. He doesn’t pass as human. His rubbery flesh and mechanical movements are uncanny in that they almost appear human but definitely are not.
9. He can’t transform into a car, so he’s not even a cool robot.
10. He’s unable to pass a Turing Test.
11. If he drinks water too fast, it could damage his internal hardware.
12. He has the emotional capacity of an alarm clock.
13. He thinks people only eat food for recreational purposes.
14. He can gauge your heart rate by shaking your hand.
15. He was originally designed for sexual pleasure, which was later scrapped when test subjects described his hairline and unblinking eyes as “off-putting.”
16. He has a new update every damn time you start him up.
17. He has a 5-hour battery life before he goes into low-power mode.
18. Everything you say to him is instantly transcribed to the NSA via satellite.
19. You’ll see an ad on Facebook for whatever you were just talking to him about.
20. He’s programmed to believe he’s not a robot, even though it’s obvious to everyone else that he is.
21. His “personality” is comprised mostly of quotes from films starring Vince Vaughn.
22. He can’t tell the difference between laughter and crying.
23. They made him a cyborg girlfriend when testing groups deemed that made him appear more “human.”
24. In early testing, he accidentally crushed a kitten to death trying to pet it.
25. When he gets lost, he says, “Recalculating.”

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