EXT. COACH MCGUIRK’S BACKYARD – DAY
Coach McGuirk walks outside, where the wedding is being set up. Brendon follows with the camera.
COACH MCGUIRK
You know, I’m actually glad you brought that camera, Brendon. I might need to use this as evidence in court, depending how things go tonight. Help me out and I’ll even sign a waiver so you can put me in your little documentary.
BRENDON
You already signed a waiver last night.
COACH MCGUIRK
Wait, what? You mean you had me sign a waiver when I was drunk?
BRENDON
Yeah.
COACH MCGUIRK
That’s called taking advantage of someone while they’re drunk, Brendon, and it’s a crime. My sister Donna is a cop, I should call her over here.
BRENDON
Cool, I’d love to snag an interview with her.
COACH MCGUIRK
You better hope your camera can catch a bullet. Look, there she is.
Donna notices them and walks over. She is only moderately smaller in size than Coach McGuirk.
DONNA
Well if it isn’t my little baby bro. My little punching bag blew up into a full grown punching bag full of lumps. Get over here.
Donna bear hugs Coach McGuirk and then holds him at arms length.
DONNA
I feel like I’m looking in a mirror, only your breasts are bigger than mine.
COACH MCGUIRK
Yeah, except I can’t use mine to crush beer cans.
DONNA
I got first place, didn’t I?
BRENDON
I think I’ll take one of those bullets now.
DONNA
And who is this little squirt? You never told me you had a kid, Johnny.
BRENDON
I’m not a kid, I’m a documentary filmmaker.
COACH MCGUIRK
And he’s not my son, okay? I know I don’t have great genes, but I think I could do better than that.
BRENDON
Hey!
COACH MCGUIRK
But I do have a girlfriend who I’m in love with and she’s in love with me and I would love for you to meet her once I find her.
DONNA
You’re nervous, huh? Scared you’re going to McGuirk it up again?
COACH MCGUIRK
I don’t even want to think about that.
DONNA
No I get it, you ruined my wedding and now you’re scared you’re going to ruin someone else’s wedding.
COACH MCGUIRK
Even after you got divorced, mom and dad still never forgave me.
DONNA
I think that has to do with them being in denial that I date chicks now.
COACH MCGUIRK
Look at us. You, me and Steve — all three of us lady killers. Don’t tell me you’re a writer, too.
DONNA
No, I just crush little candies on my cell phone all day. It’s great.
COACH MCGUIRK
Yeah, I used to have time for that.
DONNA
Oh, let’s take a picture, I’ll go find Steve, you stay right here.
Donna exits frame.
COACH MCGUIRK
Wait, don’t leave me. Crap. Alright, Brendon, be careful and keep and eye out for…
SHIRLEY
My good for nothing son!
Shirley is yelling at a caterer by the buffet.
SHIRLEY
Make sure you don’t let him anywhere near the buffet.
CATERER
But sir, he lives in a jar.
SHIRLEY
Not him. The blimp in a tux baby-eater. There he is.
Shirley walks over to Coach McGuirk.
SHIRLEY
This one right here. I’d point at him but I don’t want to get my fingers bit. Keep him away from the buffet, he can’t be trusted with ham.
COACH MCGUIRK
Dad, you’re embarrassing me.
SHIRLEY
Good. Being publicly embarrassed is a family tradition.
COACH MCGUIRK
Are you drunk already?
SHIRLEY
I don’t know, are you a disappointment already?
Coach McGuirk sees Clara walking over.
COACH MCGUIRK
Stop putting your shame for being named Shirley on me, dad. I have a girlfriend now and I won’t have you treat me that way in front of her.
SHIRLEY
Wait, what?
Clara walks over and joins them.
COACH MCGUIRK
Shirley, I mean, dad, this is my girlfriend, Clara.
SHIRLEY
Wow.
COACH MCGUIRK
We’ve been dating for a couple weeks now and I’m pretty sure if someone dared her to date me, it would have come up by now.
SHIRLEY
Oh my God, I can’t believe it.
COACH MCGUIRK
I know, your little baby boy is becoming a man.
SHIRLEY
No, I mean I can’t believe she hasn’t run away screaming yet. Is she blind?
CLARA
Hey, you’re being really mean. John is a good man and he took his brother in when he needed him.
SHIRLEY
Sweetheart, it was a trick. So that this lug would show up to his brother’s wedding in the first place because of last time how he…
COACH MCGUIRK
Dad, don’t.
CLARA
Last time, what?
SHIRLEY
He ruined his sister’s reception after a beautiful ceremony. He stormed the buffet table and ate everything before anyone else could get there. Every chicken wing, every scoop of potatoes, every drop of gravy, gone. At first we thought a gang a raccoons came through, or maybe a bear. And then we found him.
COACH MCGUIRK
Dad, stop.
SHIRLEY
Then everyone started saying he McGuirked it up, turning my one good name into an insult and a pejorative. My one good name!
COACH MCGUIRK
It’s been fifteen years, dad. When are you going to get over it?
Laverne walks over.
LAVERNE
Shirley, John, the ceremony is beginning, come find a seat.
SHIRLEY
I have to go watch my one good son get married.
COACH MCGUIRK
You’re stressing me out, dad. I get hungry when I’m stressed.
SHIRLEY
You keep your grubby paws off that buffet until your nana gets a pork chop. Her blood sugar can’t suffer another episode.
CLARA
You can’t speak to John like that. He may have his faults but we all do. He’s sweet and he deserves a second chance.
SHIRLEY
He has a sweet tooth and that’s about it.
Shirley exits frame.
COACH MCGUIRK
I guess we should go find our seats.
CLARA
Screw that. I say we go over to that buffet together and McGuirk the tater tots off of it.
COACH MCGUIRK
What? No, we can’t do that. That’s exactly what I’m not supposed to do. My dad will never forgive me.
CLARA
Oh please. If after fifteen years he can’t forgive you for stress eating a buffet, it clearly has nothing to do with you and he’s just projecting his own insecurities.
COACH MCGUIRK
Wow, that’s true. But it’s my brother’s wedding. He’ll be so upset if I miss it.
CLARA
I’ve been reading his books and if there’s one thing I can tell, it’s that your brother loves you and he’ll understand you did the right thing.
COACH MCGUIRK
I love you.
Coach McGuirk and Clara come together for a kiss.
LAVERNE
There’s the wedding photographer!
Laverne grabs Brendon and drags him away from Coach McGuirk and Clara and towards the wedding.
BRENDON
Ow! Hey!
LAVERNE
The wedding is about to begin, you need to get into place.
EXT. BACKYARD WEDDING – DAY
LAVERNE
Here.
The camera stops shaking and Brendon has a side-angle view of the wedding, including Steve, the Bride, the Priest, and the whole front row of chairs, including Shirley and Laverne just now sitting down.
PRIEST
The bride and groom have prepared their own vows. Steve you may go first.
Jamal steps up and reads from a note card. He clears his throat.
JAMAL
Celine, when I first heard your voice on the Titanic soundtrack, I knew we were meant to be and here we are. It is true when I say that for you my heart will go on and on because I have tremendous government-funded healthcare.
PRIEST
Celine, you may read your vows.
CELINE
Steve, you are my Jack and I am your Rose. I’m full throttle on this ship with you with not enough life boats and I don’t care what happens.
PRIEST
If there are no objections, I now pronounce you man and wife.
Celine hugs and kisses Steve while he beeps the tune of “Here Comes The Bride.”
BYSTANDER
Oh my God! It’s a McGuirk! They’re McGuirking!
SHIRLEY
What the hell?
Everyone in the first row turns around and the camera turns to show BYSTANDER pointing to something out of frame. Brendon moves in for a closer shot.
BYSTANDER
I can’t believe it! It’s a McGuirk!
Laverne and Shirley and everyone get up to see Clara and Coach McGuirk raiding the buffet table.
BYSTANDER
He’s McGuirking it! This is a McGuirk in progress!
SHIRLEY
I knew this would happen. Stop that!
CLARA
God I am so full. Keep on going babe, you can do it!
Clara has stopped eating but Coach McGuirk continues through the buffet pouring entire trays of food into his mouth.
SHIRLEY
You stop that right now!
COACH MCGUIRK
No! This is all because you were never able to forgive me for stress eating Steve in the womb! I’m sorry, Steve! I’m also sorry to you, Celine Dion, I didn’t even know you were here. But I’m really sorry to you Steve! I tried to devour you before you were even born and now I’m devouring everything in front of me and I ruined your wedding.
SHIRLEY
That’s for sure. And what about Donna? You McGuirked her wedding and it resulted in her divorce three months later.
DONNA
No, dad, you keep refusing to hear me when I tell you I’m gay.
SHIRLEY
Yes, Donna, we’re all very happy.
JAMAL
Wait! Steve has something to say!
Jamal pushes Steve over and he begins to beep a series of beeps.
JAMAL
Steve says John did nothing wrong. He McGuirked tonight as I knew he would because my parents stress him out and I’ve known he was a stress-eater since we shared a womb.
COACH MCGUIRK
I can’t help it! I get so hungry when I’m stressed.
JAMAL
Steve says this has to end. He has forgiven John for all McGuirks past and McGuirks in progress and our father should as well.
SHIRLEY
Oh my God, you’re right. In all my anger, I never thought of how I was hurting my family. Steve, Donna, Johnny… Everyone get in for a hug!
COACH MCGUIRK
Yeah, I’ll be right there once I finish these pork chops.
FADE TO BLACK.
CREDITS.
AS CREDITS ROLL:
EXT. BACKYARD WEDDING – DAY
Paula shows up in a wedding dress holding a bouquet of white roses.
PAULA
Steve? Steve where are you?
BRENDON
Mom, what are you doing here?
PAULA
Brendon, have you seen Steve?
BRENDON
Yeah he’s over there.
Brendon points the camera to Steve and Celine Dion making out and back to Paula.
PAULA
Oh crap, he married Celine Dion?
Paula drops the white roses.
PAULA (Continued)
I should probably get changed.
FADE TO BLACK.
James P. W. Martin 