“Home Movies” Spec Script – “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 4

bcm

INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S BEDROOM – DAY

Coach McGuirk has changed into a suit and is fixing his bow tie in the mirror.

COACH MCGUIRK

God, I am so annoyed that this fits perfectly.  And why the hell did they give me a bow tie?  I look like a waiter!

Coach McGuirk turns around and notices Brendon.

COACH MCGUIRK

Dammit, Brendon, I told you to stop filming me.

BRENDON

I can’t stop now, it’s just starting to get good.  Besides, they told me to get out of the way while they set up.

COACH MCGUIRK

Set up?

Coach McGuirk looks out the window and sees people setting up rows of chairs.

COACH MCGUIRK

This can’t be happening.  I literally can’t escape.  This is worse than being at the textiles factory.

They hear the front door slam shut.

LAVERNE

Johnny?  Where are you poopsikins?

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh my God, that’s mother.  Hide me, Brendon, quick!

Coach McGuirk tries fitting under the bed.  Brendon sets down the camera and tries to push him.

BRENDON

I’m trying, you don’t fit.

LAVERNE

(getting closer)

Johnny?  Where’s mamma’s little marshmallow?

COACH MCGUIRK

This isn’t going to work, Brendon, pull me back out.

Brendon yanks on Couch McGuirk’s suit.

BRENDON

I can’t, you’re stuck.

LAVERNE

(closer)

Johnny?!  Mommy missed you!

COACH MCGUIRK

This is a nightmare!  I gotta get out of here!

Brendon picks up the camera.  Coach McGuirk claws his way out from under the bed and darts for the closet by the door.  Just then, Laverne sticks her head through the doorway.

LAVERNE

Where’s Johnny?!!

Coach McGuirks falls backward into the closet and screams at the top of his lungs.  He tries to get away but he’s stuck in the closet.  Laverne is dressed up with a big fluffy feather boa.

LAVERNE

Dawww!  Aren’t you adorable in your wittle outfit!  Get out here so mommy can get a good look.

COACH MCGUIRK

I can’t!

LAVERNE

Oh, is my Johnnyboy stuckie-wuckie again?  Dawww.  You better unstuck yourself before you father walks in.  You know he will call the fire department.

Coach McGuirk strains and falls out of the closet onto the floor and stands up.

COACH MCGUIRK

He does love getting a crowd together to laugh at me.

LAVERNE

Au contraire, Johnny.  This is your last chance to redeem yourself in the eyes of your father.  When he gets here, you will respect him and you will sit silently while your brother gets married.  And don’t McGuirk anything up this time!  Your father will not suffer another embarrassment to his name; but he’s willing to forgive you – if you don’t mess up.

COACH MCGUIRK

Papa?  I mean, yes, mother.  Anything you say, mother.  Can I get you a drink, mommy?

Laverne slaps Coach McGurik in the face.

LAVERNE

I had three gins in the car.  What, are you trying to get your mother drunk?

COACH MCGUIRK

No, mommy.

LAVERNE

I need to sober up for the wedding.  Get me a peach schnapps on the rocks.

Coach McGuirk runs out of the room.

LAVERNE

And who is this handsome photographer?  You look like a young Fredrick Scott Archer, hunny.

BRENDON

How old are you?

LAVERNE

Nevermind that.  Stand your tiny little self on that bed over there.  I refuse to be filmed from a low angle.

Brendon stands on the bed.

LAVERNE

There.  I’m ready for my close-up Mr. Demille.  You better zoom in closer, I’m too big for those tiny pictures.

Coach McGuirk returns with a mug for Laverne.

COACH MCGUIRK

Here, mommy.

LAVERNE

A coffee mug?  Are you kidding me?

COACH MCGUIRK

It’s all I have.

LAVERNE

You’re going to have to do better than that when your father gets here.

The door slams shut.

SHIRLEY

Laverne!  Where are you?

LAVERNE

That’s him.  I’m in here, Shirley!

BRENDON

Wait, your name is Laverne and his name is Shirley?

SHIRLEY, a large grey-haired man, enters the room.

SHIRLEY

We got married before that show ever came out!  As if a man named Shirley doesn’t have enough problems to deal with.  What’s that camera?  Why are you filming me?

LAVERNE

Obviously, he’s the wedding photographer.  And, if you don’t mind, he was just in the middle of capturing my beauty.

SHIRLEY

Isn’t that the same thing that happened when that sea witch gave you legs?

LAVERNE

Shirley you can come up with a better retort than that.

SHIRLEY

You know I hate it when people use my name in a sentence!

LAVERNE

And I hate when you bring up my past.  Focus!  Your son is here.

SHIRLEY

Don’t you think I know that?  My only son is getting married, it’s the most important day of my life.

LAVERNE

Not him.  The other one.

COACH MCGUIRK

Hi, papa.

Coach McGuirk moves in for a hug.  Shirley denies him and refuses to look at him.

SHIRLEY

No.  If you manage to not completely disappoint me today, I will give you a brief moment of eye contact and that is all.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh my God, yes, thank you.

SHIRLEY

I gave my sons men’s names!  Steve and John!  And only one has lived up to that name.

Jamal enters the room.

JAMAL

Oh, great, the family is all here.  Why don’t ya’ll follow me and we’ll do a quick run-through.

SHIRLEY

What about Donna?

JAMAL

She’s already here, she’s right out back.

Laverne and Shirley follow Jamal out of the room.

SHIRLEY

At least I can count on two of my children.

COACH MCGUIRK

Help me, Brendon, please!  Call Child Protective Services!

BRENDON

No!  Look, your parents are a lot to handle, I get that, but they seem harmless to me.

COACH MCGUIRK

Harmless?  Do you see how they treat me?

BRENDON

I see how everyone treats you.  The teachers at school, the students, all the other teams we face and their coaches, everyone rips on you, how is this any different?

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, the teachers make fun of me, too?

BRENDON

Of course they do.  Now quit it with the sob story, I already got enough footage of that.

COACH MCGUIRK

What ever happens to me out there, Brendon, it’s on you.  I will destroy your documentary if you make me.  I never told my parents the truth of what you’re doing and I will sell you out so fast.

BRENDON

Okay, fine.  If things really start looking rough, I’ll help you, but right now you need to do that thing where you pretend to be an adult.

COACH MCGUIRK

Okay, fine!  Let’s go, Brendon, and stay close to me.  I may need to use you as a human shield.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “A McGuirk In Progress” – Scene 5

Advertisement

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s