INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S BEDROOM – DAY
Coach McGuirk has changed into a suit and is fixing his bow tie in the mirror.
COACH MCGUIRK
God, I am so annoyed that this fits perfectly. And why the hell did they give me a bow tie? I look like a waiter!
Coach McGuirk turns around and notices Brendon.
COACH MCGUIRK
Dammit, Brendon, I told you to stop filming me.
BRENDON
I can’t stop now, it’s just starting to get good. Besides, they told me to get out of the way while they set up.
COACH MCGUIRK
Set up?
Coach McGuirk looks out the window and sees people setting up rows of chairs.
COACH MCGUIRK
This can’t be happening. I literally can’t escape. This is worse than being at the textiles factory.
They hear the front door slam shut.
LAVERNE
Johnny? Where are you poopsikins?
COACH MCGUIRK
Oh my God, that’s mother. Hide me, Brendon, quick!
Coach McGuirk tries fitting under the bed. Brendon sets down the camera and tries to push him.
BRENDON
I’m trying, you don’t fit.
LAVERNE
(getting closer)
Johnny? Where’s mamma’s little marshmallow?
COACH MCGUIRK
This isn’t going to work, Brendon, pull me back out.
Brendon yanks on Couch McGuirk’s suit.
BRENDON
I can’t, you’re stuck.
LAVERNE
(closer)
Johnny?! Mommy missed you!
COACH MCGUIRK
This is a nightmare! I gotta get out of here!
Brendon picks up the camera. Coach McGuirk claws his way out from under the bed and darts for the closet by the door. Just then, Laverne sticks her head through the doorway.
LAVERNE
Where’s Johnny?!!
Coach McGuirks falls backward into the closet and screams at the top of his lungs. He tries to get away but he’s stuck in the closet. Laverne is dressed up with a big fluffy feather boa.
LAVERNE
Dawww! Aren’t you adorable in your wittle outfit! Get out here so mommy can get a good look.
COACH MCGUIRK
I can’t!
LAVERNE
Oh, is my Johnnyboy stuckie-wuckie again? Dawww. You better unstuck yourself before you father walks in. You know he will call the fire department.
Coach McGuirk strains and falls out of the closet onto the floor and stands up.
COACH MCGUIRK
He does love getting a crowd together to laugh at me.
LAVERNE
Au contraire, Johnny. This is your last chance to redeem yourself in the eyes of your father. When he gets here, you will respect him and you will sit silently while your brother gets married. And don’t McGuirk anything up this time! Your father will not suffer another embarrassment to his name; but he’s willing to forgive you – if you don’t mess up.
COACH MCGUIRK
Papa? I mean, yes, mother. Anything you say, mother. Can I get you a drink, mommy?
Laverne slaps Coach McGurik in the face.
LAVERNE
I had three gins in the car. What, are you trying to get your mother drunk?
COACH MCGUIRK
No, mommy.
LAVERNE
I need to sober up for the wedding. Get me a peach schnapps on the rocks.
Coach McGuirk runs out of the room.
LAVERNE
And who is this handsome photographer? You look like a young Fredrick Scott Archer, hunny.
BRENDON
How old are you?
LAVERNE
Nevermind that. Stand your tiny little self on that bed over there. I refuse to be filmed from a low angle.
Brendon stands on the bed.
LAVERNE
There. I’m ready for my close-up Mr. Demille. You better zoom in closer, I’m too big for those tiny pictures.
Coach McGuirk returns with a mug for Laverne.
COACH MCGUIRK
Here, mommy.
LAVERNE
A coffee mug? Are you kidding me?
COACH MCGUIRK
It’s all I have.
LAVERNE
You’re going to have to do better than that when your father gets here.
The door slams shut.
SHIRLEY
Laverne! Where are you?
LAVERNE
That’s him. I’m in here, Shirley!
BRENDON
Wait, your name is Laverne and his name is Shirley?
SHIRLEY, a large grey-haired man, enters the room.
SHIRLEY
We got married before that show ever came out! As if a man named Shirley doesn’t have enough problems to deal with. What’s that camera? Why are you filming me?
LAVERNE
Obviously, he’s the wedding photographer. And, if you don’t mind, he was just in the middle of capturing my beauty.
SHIRLEY
Isn’t that the same thing that happened when that sea witch gave you legs?
LAVERNE
Shirley you can come up with a better retort than that.
SHIRLEY
You know I hate it when people use my name in a sentence!
LAVERNE
And I hate when you bring up my past. Focus! Your son is here.
SHIRLEY
Don’t you think I know that? My only son is getting married, it’s the most important day of my life.
LAVERNE
Not him. The other one.
COACH MCGUIRK
Hi, papa.
Coach McGuirk moves in for a hug. Shirley denies him and refuses to look at him.
SHIRLEY
No. If you manage to not completely disappoint me today, I will give you a brief moment of eye contact and that is all.
COACH MCGUIRK
Oh my God, yes, thank you.
SHIRLEY
I gave my sons men’s names! Steve and John! And only one has lived up to that name.
Jamal enters the room.
JAMAL
Oh, great, the family is all here. Why don’t ya’ll follow me and we’ll do a quick run-through.
SHIRLEY
What about Donna?
JAMAL
She’s already here, she’s right out back.
Laverne and Shirley follow Jamal out of the room.
SHIRLEY
At least I can count on two of my children.
COACH MCGUIRK
Help me, Brendon, please! Call Child Protective Services!
BRENDON
No! Look, your parents are a lot to handle, I get that, but they seem harmless to me.
COACH MCGUIRK
Harmless? Do you see how they treat me?
BRENDON
I see how everyone treats you. The teachers at school, the students, all the other teams we face and their coaches, everyone rips on you, how is this any different?
COACH MCGUIRK
Wait, the teachers make fun of me, too?
BRENDON
Of course they do. Now quit it with the sob story, I already got enough footage of that.
COACH MCGUIRK
What ever happens to me out there, Brendon, it’s on you. I will destroy your documentary if you make me. I never told my parents the truth of what you’re doing and I will sell you out so fast.
BRENDON
Okay, fine. If things really start looking rough, I’ll help you, but right now you need to do that thing where you pretend to be an adult.
COACH MCGUIRK
Okay, fine! Let’s go, Brendon, and stay close to me. I may need to use you as a human shield.
FADE TO BLACK.
James P. W. Martin 