“Home Movies” Spec Script – “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 2

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INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S KITCHEN

Brendon looks into the camera lens.  Piano music playing.

BRENDON

Well thank God it isn’t broken.

COACH MCGUIRK

Don’t thank God, Brendon, thank me for not dropping it too hard.  You’re welcome.

BRENDON

I can’t believe you would do that.  You have no respect.  I can’t just buy another camera.

COACH MCGUIRK

You’re right, I’m sorry.  I really respect you, Brendon.  I’m glad you never told me the music you like.  I’m really enjoying this respect we share.

BRENDON

I like Coldplay.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh God, why did you have to say that?  You’re not going to put piano music over me speaking are you?

Piano music stops playing.

BRENDON

Um, no.

COACH MCGUIRK

I can’t take that risk.  Give me the camera, Brendon.

BRENDON

No!  Get away from me!

COACH MCGUIRK

I’m taking control of this documentary!

BRENDON

Actually, Steve and I had a different idea.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?  You two schemed behind my back?  This is fourth grade all over again.

BRENDON

Which time through fourth grade?

COACH MCGUIRK

What?  Every time.  Stop asking stupid questions and tell me what you’re up to.

BRENDON

Alright.  I talked to Steve’s assistant and got a hold of your parents.  They’re on their way over here now.

COACH MCGUIRK

Wait, what?  This documentary was going to be about how I’m an awesome writer.  How could you do this to me, Brendon?  You have no idea how they treat me.

BRENDON

I just think it would be best if the four of you work this out.

COACH MCGUIRK

Best for who?

BRENDON

For the documentary.

COACH MCGUIRK

And who’s going to rescue me from the textiles factory this time, Brendon?  Huh?  Child Protective Services won’t help me anymore.

BRENDON

You’re not a child any more, Coach.  You can handle this.

COACH MCGUIRK

That’s what they tell me!  And I say, well then someone needs to tell my parents that, because they…

There’s a knock on the door.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh God, that’s them!  This isn’t happening!  I can’t handle this.  I’m jumping out the kitchen window.

Coach McGuirk opens the kitchen window.

BRENDON

Chill out, it’s not you’re parents.

COACH MCGUIRK

Who is it, then?

Brendon opens the door.  Paula walks in.

PAULA

Hey, guys, how’s the documentary going?

BRENDON

Mom, what are you doing here?

PAULA

I brought some snacks for the production crew.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh, can I have some?

PAULA

Of course, silly.

COACH MCGUIRK

Sweet.

Paula hands the snacks to Coach McGuirk and he starts eating.

PAULA

Go on and McGuirk it up.

BRENDON

What’s that mean?  McGuirk it up.

PAULA

Oh, it’s just this thing we used to say about John in high school.  Anyway, where’s Steve?  I thought I’d say hello while I’m here.

BRENDON

Oh, no you don’t, mom.  You’re not going to ruin my documentary by trying to engage in sex with my subject.

PAULA

Watch it, Brendon!  Steve doesn’t have sex in the typical fashion.  Steve is the kind of man who makes emotional love.

BRENDON

Oh my God, and you’re not doing that either!

Brendon shoos his mother to the door.

BRENDON

That’s all we need from you, Mom.  Thanks for the snacks, we’ll see you at the wrap party.  Oh, wait, there is no wrap party, so I guess we won’t see you.  Bye.

PAULA

Hey, wait!

Brendon closes the door.

BRENDON

Yeesh.  Moms, am I right, Coach?

Coach McGuirk is stuffing his face with the last of the chips and snacks.  He drops the empty garbage on the ground when he’s done with it.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh wait, your mom can help me with my parents.  She can save me when they try to send me to the textiles factory.

BRENDON

Relax, Coach.  No one is going to send you away.

COACH MCGUIRK

Oh yeah?  Well, when they do, I’m taking you with me.  Last time the factory had closed down and they still locked me in there.  It was cold so my dad said, if you’re shivering so much, why don’t you knit yourself a sweater?  Because I’m a child!

BRENDON

Alright, I know you’d love for this documentary to be all about you, but I’m here to get to know Steve, your brother.  Can you do this for your brother?

COACH MCGUIRK

He can’t save me.  All he can do is beep a bunch of times.  It sounds like an alarm but it translates to no no no no no no no.

BRENDON

Alright, I’m going back to the garage to talk to Steve.

COACH MCGUIRK

No, Brendon, come back!

Brendon opens the door and leaves.

FADE TO BLACK.

Continue to: “A McGuirk in Progress” – Scene 3

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