INT. COACH MCGUIRK’S KITCHEN
Brendon looks into the camera lens. Piano music playing.
BRENDON
Well thank God it isn’t broken.
COACH MCGUIRK
Don’t thank God, Brendon, thank me for not dropping it too hard. You’re welcome.
BRENDON
I can’t believe you would do that. You have no respect. I can’t just buy another camera.
COACH MCGUIRK
You’re right, I’m sorry. I really respect you, Brendon. I’m glad you never told me the music you like. I’m really enjoying this respect we share.
BRENDON
I like Coldplay.
COACH MCGUIRK
Oh God, why did you have to say that? You’re not going to put piano music over me speaking are you?
Piano music stops playing.
BRENDON
Um, no.
COACH MCGUIRK
I can’t take that risk. Give me the camera, Brendon.
BRENDON
No! Get away from me!
COACH MCGUIRK
I’m taking control of this documentary!
BRENDON
Actually, Steve and I had a different idea.
COACH MCGUIRK
Wait, what? You two schemed behind my back? This is fourth grade all over again.
BRENDON
Which time through fourth grade?
COACH MCGUIRK
What? Every time. Stop asking stupid questions and tell me what you’re up to.
BRENDON
Alright. I talked to Steve’s assistant and got a hold of your parents. They’re on their way over here now.
COACH MCGUIRK
Wait, what? This documentary was going to be about how I’m an awesome writer. How could you do this to me, Brendon? You have no idea how they treat me.
BRENDON
I just think it would be best if the four of you work this out.
COACH MCGUIRK
Best for who?
BRENDON
For the documentary.
COACH MCGUIRK
And who’s going to rescue me from the textiles factory this time, Brendon? Huh? Child Protective Services won’t help me anymore.
BRENDON
You’re not a child any more, Coach. You can handle this.
COACH MCGUIRK
That’s what they tell me! And I say, well then someone needs to tell my parents that, because they…
There’s a knock on the door.
COACH MCGUIRK
Oh God, that’s them! This isn’t happening! I can’t handle this. I’m jumping out the kitchen window.
Coach McGuirk opens the kitchen window.
BRENDON
Chill out, it’s not you’re parents.
COACH MCGUIRK
Who is it, then?
Brendon opens the door. Paula walks in.
PAULA
Hey, guys, how’s the documentary going?
BRENDON
Mom, what are you doing here?
PAULA
I brought some snacks for the production crew.
COACH MCGUIRK
Oh, can I have some?
PAULA
Of course, silly.
COACH MCGUIRK
Sweet.
Paula hands the snacks to Coach McGuirk and he starts eating.
PAULA
Go on and McGuirk it up.
BRENDON
What’s that mean? McGuirk it up.
PAULA
Oh, it’s just this thing we used to say about John in high school. Anyway, where’s Steve? I thought I’d say hello while I’m here.
BRENDON
Oh, no you don’t, mom. You’re not going to ruin my documentary by trying to engage in sex with my subject.
PAULA
Watch it, Brendon! Steve doesn’t have sex in the typical fashion. Steve is the kind of man who makes emotional love.
BRENDON
Oh my God, and you’re not doing that either!
Brendon shoos his mother to the door.
BRENDON
That’s all we need from you, Mom. Thanks for the snacks, we’ll see you at the wrap party. Oh, wait, there is no wrap party, so I guess we won’t see you. Bye.
PAULA
Hey, wait!
Brendon closes the door.
BRENDON
Yeesh. Moms, am I right, Coach?
Coach McGuirk is stuffing his face with the last of the chips and snacks. He drops the empty garbage on the ground when he’s done with it.
COACH MCGUIRK
Oh wait, your mom can help me with my parents. She can save me when they try to send me to the textiles factory.
BRENDON
Relax, Coach. No one is going to send you away.
COACH MCGUIRK
Oh yeah? Well, when they do, I’m taking you with me. Last time the factory had closed down and they still locked me in there. It was cold so my dad said, if you’re shivering so much, why don’t you knit yourself a sweater? Because I’m a child!
BRENDON
Alright, I know you’d love for this documentary to be all about you, but I’m here to get to know Steve, your brother. Can you do this for your brother?
COACH MCGUIRK
He can’t save me. All he can do is beep a bunch of times. It sounds like an alarm but it translates to no no no no no no no.
BRENDON
Alright, I’m going back to the garage to talk to Steve.
COACH MCGUIRK
No, Brendon, come back!
Brendon opens the door and leaves.
FADE TO BLACK.
James P. W. Martin 