EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY
Brendon walks to the field.
COACH MCGUIRK
Psst! Over here!
Coach McGuirk is hiding behind the bleachers. Brendon walks over to him.
BRENDON
Coach? What are you doing back there?
COACH MCGUIRK
What are you doing, Brendon? You were supposed to be here already. You said you would help me coach.
BRENDON
Oh, that was today?
COACH MCGUIRK
Yes today! I need to win a soccer game. Today is the soccer game. We need to win, Brendon.
BRENDON
Our team doesn’t look prepared.
COACH MCGUIRK
They’re not.
BRENDON
I mean it doesn’t even look like they’ve warmed up.
COACH MCGUIRK
They haven’t
BRENDON
Well why not?
COACH MCGUIRK
Because they’re waiting for you to get out there and coach them.
BRENDON
Okay fine, geez.
Brendon turns to leave.
COACH MCGUIRK
Oh and Brendon, don’t be upset if I try to take credit for you coaching.
BRENDON
Alright, fine.
COACH MCGUIRK
And don’t be upset if I take my shirt off.
BRENDON
Wait, what?
COACH MCGUIRK
Go, Brendon, get out there.
Brendon walks to the field and stands on the bench in front of his teammates.
BRENDON
Alright everyone, listen up!
MELISSA
What, Brendon? We’re all right here, you don’t have to yell.
BRENDON
Sorry, I’ve just never done this before.
MELISSA
Done what?
BRENDON
Ahem, teammates, fellow patriots, are not all losers just winners waiting to win?
MELISSA
What are you doing, Brendon?
BRENDON
I’m giving an inspirational speech to help motivate you.
MELISSA
It isn’t working.
BRENDON
It’s not?
MELISSA
No. You can’t just drone on in platitudes and expect it to affect anyone. You have actually reach people in a way that affects their lives.
BRENDON
Okay, so how do I do that?
MELISSA
I don’t know, why don’t you think of things that motivate you to be a better person.
BRENDON
Hmmm. Oh, I know!
Brendon runs back behind the bleachers.
COACH MCGUIRK
What are you doing over here, Brendon? The team looks less prepared than before.
BRENDON
Just roll with it and come with me.
COACH MCGUIRK
Ugh, fine.
Brendon drags Coach McGuirk to the field and stands on the bench next to him.
BRENDON
Everyone, look at Coach McGuirk.
COACH MCGUIRK
This is stupid, Brendon. I told you I don’t want to coach.
BRENDON
Look how pathetic he is.
COACH MCGUIRK
Wait, what?
BRENDON
Ask yourself, is Coach McGuirk the kind of person you want to be. He’s like a six-foot Pillsbury Doughboy.
COACH MCGUIRK
It’s muscle, I swear.
BRENDON
He’s in and out of prison so much they probably think he works there. What about you, Perry, do you want to grow up to be like Coach McGuirk?
PERRY
No way!
BRENDON
That’s right, no way! He can eat an entire ham but he can’t spell the word.
COACH MCGUIRK
It’s two ‘M’s right?
BRENDON
If you want to be like Coach McGuirk you can just keep losing. Everyone else, let me hear you!
The whole team cheers and gets ready to play. Mandy walks over.
MANDY
Wow Coach, you really got them riled up. That’s the Mini Michelin I know and love. You had me worried there for a minute.
COACH MCGUIRK
That’s right, team, let’s get out there and show them what we’re made of!
Mandy walks away.
COACH MCGUIRK
God I hate my life.
FADE TO BLACK.
James P. W. Martin 