INT. JOHN MCGUIRK’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Coach McGuirk sits on the floor, talking on the phone, his laptop propped up on a box.
COACH MCGUIRK
So, Clara, when will I see you again?
CLARA
You’re still coming to the writing group on Wednesday, right?
COACH MCGUIRK
Yeah, of course.
CLARA
Great, I’ll see you then. You’re submitting part of your novel, right?
COACH MCGUIRK
Yeah, definitely.
CLARA
Great, just email it to me by Friday, so the group has enough time to read it.
COACH MCGUIRK
Friday? That’s tomorrow.
CLARA
Is that a problem?
COACH MCGUIRK
Not at all, since I already wrote it.
CLARA
Great! I’ll talk to you tomorrow then.
COACH MCGUIRK
Great.
Clara hangs up the phone and Coach McGuirk sighs heavily.
COACH MCGUIRK
Okay, John, you got this. Just read Moby Dick and copy down the good stuff and change anything you don’t like. McGuirk it up a little.
Coach McGuirk opens the book Moby Dick, typing in his laptop as he goes.
COACH MCGUIRK
Let’s see here. Chapter one. Call me Ishmael. Well that sucks. Let’s change that to: Call me Coach McGuirk. Wait, no. Call me McGuirk, comma, John McGuirk. Yeah, like James Bond did it; and look how much action he got. Moving on. Some years ago–never mind how precisely–having little or no money in my purse. Purse?! No, McGuirk doesn’t own a purse. When does it get to the part about the boat?
Coach McGuirk flips through the book.
COACH MCGUIRK
Here we go. The whaling voyage was welcome; the great flood-gates of the wonder-world swung open. Oh, that’s good. That’ll swing open her flood gates. I don’t even know what it means, but it’s good. Let’s see, crap, I keep losing my place. Here it is. And in the wild conceits that swayed me to my purpose, two and two there floated into my inmost soul, endless processions of the whale. Oh, yeah, that’ll get her wet. She’ll be begging for the endless processions of my whale. Mid most of them all, one grand hooded phantom – that sounds dope – like a snow hill in the air. Hmm. Okay, dial it down, Shakespeare. We’ll change that to: like my private yacht, which I use to go on whaling expeditions.
Coach McGuirk turns the page.
COACH MCGUIRK
Alright, chapter two.
FADE TO BLACK.
James P. W. Martin 